Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi FarAway, Maf, & Mommyhurting...

I appreciate all of your responses and can identify with so much of what you all shared.

Yes, my H's behaviour is absolutely insensitive and immature (to put it mildly). I really believe that in many ways he has lost touch with reality, at least in comparison to the guy I married. The guy I married said "having a family is the greatest achievement one can have". He adored his newborn son, stayed up for the 2am feeding, carried him in the baby bjorn, massaged my feet, cooked for me, was silly & fun, liked to talk for hours about whatever was happening in our lives or plans for the future, made homemade Valentine cards, worked on a scrapbook of our R with me, hosted parties with me, listened when I was feeling down, enjoyed taking drives or walks and just being together.

In the 7 years leading up to this never once did I imagine he would ever leave me for another woman, let alone want to be out of our marriage. We were the couple that friends and family thought were so great together and were so "healthy". We communicated, we supported one another, we "truly" loved being together.

So what happened? That is the question that haunts me and tortures me. Faraway - you're right - time to let go and move forward WITHOUT him, and without asking this question anymore. I have analyzed this to death and nothing has changed. I KNOW my H is going through some identity crisis, depression, maybe even something more serious, but no matter what it is I can't change it. And he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

It is f'ing painful, for sure, but it has become more manageable. I'm not "done" yet in the sense that it will take a while - maybe even years - to truly accept at the deepest level that our marriage had to end. But for the sake of my sanity and sense of self-worth, and for my S4's well-being, it's time to LET GO.

Maf, if I could control whether or not S4 met Ow I would - OF COURSE - keep her the hell out of my S's life! The thought of her makes me ill and the thought of having to see her in person, learn her name, and actually "accept" her as someone who might be in my S's life is about as painful as it gets. I would like nothing more than to tell her what I think of her, but I know I have to think it through. I don't want S4 to end up in the middle where he might feel guilty for liking her (ugh!) or feel afraid to share things with me. For his sake I need to show him that I "know" her and that he is safe. Unless I have evidence otherwise, I can't really do much to keep her out.

Mommyhurting, I don't know if H is living w/ Ow. He rents a room out of a large house and she (supposedly) shares an apt w/ a friend in the city. There have actually been a couple of times when I encouraged him to live with her to save money (so he could pay me) and he said he wouldn't choose that. Well, that was months ago so who knows now, but S4 has been to his place and never mentions anything. Who knows.

I am going to try and go to family court on Friday to start the legal separation process, I'm sorry I waited so long.

Meanwhile he was a "no show' tonight. He doesn't normally come on Wed's but said he might since he missed yesterday. No call, no email, no nothing until I got home at 5:30pm and he had left a mssg saying he'd be over tomorrow. Later on S4 became sad and said he wanted his daddy. I asked him if he'd like to draw daddy a picture or write him a card, or call him. He asked me to call him. I asked him what he wanted me to say and with tears he said "I want my daddy". So, I did. H called later and immediately asked for S4 who wouldn't get on the phone. I got back on and H basically hung up on me. Nice!

He has actually gotten worse over the year rather than better. I think that whatever is going on with him is deep and has nothing to do with me. He'd like to blame me and our R for his current troubles, or blame me for actually not trusting and respecting him now, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

I've been thinking of writing his mom who lives in another country and doesn't speak English. I can write in her language to an extent, but I do have someone (H's cousin) who can translate for me. I feel like she would want to know what's going on with her son, if for no other reason than to give him real support. H certainly isn't telling her the whole story and in turn he feels unloved.

What do you guys think? Should I write my mother-in-law and share with her the fact that he has not been reliable and that I'm worried about his health and well being??

I am so grateful to all of you for your support.