Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi Maf,

Yes, I generally don't get online until 10pm or 11pm. S4 is in his room by 8pm, latest 8:30pm, but often doesn't really settle down 'til 9pm. Once he's asleep I make my phonecalls, do bills, watch t.v., get online, etc. I also take my shower in the evening (around 11:30pm) so I'm in bed by midnight and up at 6:15am. Definitely not enough rest. It just seems to be the way it is these days.

H emailed me at work this afternoon the following;

"Monica, I am home today feeling like crap. Felt like crap ever since I left your place Sunday. Will not be able to make it over tonight even though I would so want to...just not safe. I'll see how I feel tomorrow even for a little while. I am not able to talk to you right now, just too upset and I would not be able to handle your critiquing...I hope this can get better over time, I really do...for (S4)...not for myself or you, even though I want to have my opinions heard and not discounted and laughed at. It makes my heart sink to hear that, and to feel like someone that could easily be ignored when it comes to (S4's) life. Do not let your anger for me affect my role in (S4's) life...I know it is pretty much up to you...I just wanted to tell you that, even though my first instinct would be to fight, I would walk away before putting (S4) in the middle of our war. I want him to know my life...my REAL life, not the facade you want me to present to him...I do not want to do that, not anymore. There is nothing you have to protect him from.. I so wish you could realize that but maybe it is too much to ask."

That's it. So, once he again he bailed on coming over to see S4 and blamed it on me. He's such a "victim", I'm sick of it. I don't think at this point I want to save my marriage, but I do want to walk through this with my integrity intact.

After talking with a friend and calming down, I wrote what I think was a thoughtful and mature letter. I said I realized he doesn't feel heard, but that I don't know how to communicate with him on my own. I asked if he'd be open to going back to the MC. I explained that I would do everything I could (just as I have been) to support his R w/ S4, but that - IMO - it would be important for me to meet Ow before S4 does. I explained that I thought it could be confusing for S4 to see daddy w/ Ow, not w/ mommy, and that I could help alleviate any fears he might have by showing him that it's all out in the open. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is meet Ow, I don't even want to know her name, but I also realize that she is a reality and that I need to know who will be a part of my S's life.

H has resisted that idea ever since I brought it up again 2 weeks ago and - coincidentally? - that's when he started really losing it and making excuses as to why he can't come. Says he's on an anti-anxiety med now. And if he was home this afternoon "because of our interaction on Sunday", then he's missing work over it.

I also told him that I have accepted the fact that our marriage is over and that I was moving toward happiness again. I said I wanted to be able to stay civil w/ each other, for him to be involved and informed about S4's day-to-day life, and to basically be co-parent's.

H was angry at me on Sunday for telling him I didn't need his advice about how to be with S4. H was undermining my authority at the time and acting like "super dad". He has no idea how much I deal with and how much his leaving impacts S4. He just seems to want to pretend that it's all ok and we can easily share custody, everybody's happy.

Well, I'm willing to do what it takes to get to that point, but it's not going to happen over night. Oh, I also told him that I feel so much anger from him and I don't deserve it. I am tired of being blamed and made out to be the bad guy. It's nuts. He cheats on me, leaves our family, barely participates in S4's life for the past year, and expects me to just say "oh sure, it's totally understandable".

I don't think there's a snowball's chance in hell that we'll reconcile and I am ready to move on. It's not that I want it, it's that it's the reality I have to accept - otherwise I'll just go on feeling miserable.

Well, I'd better go...it's late