Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi maf,

Thanks for your words of support.

I feel so powerless right now and I am so scared that H will never be able to get a grip and start behaving like a mature adult. I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled 13 yr old - only worse!

I understand your point about H hurting, but at this stage it's hard to care. I'm sick of his endless excuses (lies) and total denial of our marriage. He acts as if our marriage was just one big burden on him. And now he accuses me of having some sense of "entitlement" about our S4. WTF! He barely shows up and when he does he undermines my authority with S4 by acting like "super dad".

I don't know what I want anymore. It's getting harder and harder to keep the door unlocked for him. My S4 is the only reason I even continue speaking to him. I feel trapped. I just want to go on with my life and give S4 a happy home. But I feel like H is dragging me down with negativity, his lies, his anger and resentment, his unreliabilty and irresponsibility. I can't believe the person he has become, he's mean and completely self-centered.

I know that I am powerless over what he says and does, but I've got to find ways to empower myself. This week I hope to find time to get away from work long enough to go to the family court and file for legal separation. I need the legal support for the child custody/support issues.

I don't know what to do if he refuses to go back to the MC. We simply can't communicate on our own. It scares me that he is now saying he thinks we (he) can. Most of the time it just seems like he's looking for things to blame me for and doesn't really care what I'm saying.

Why doesn't he just own up to being with this Ow, file for divorce, and get on with it? Why doesn't he want me to meet Ow for the sake of our S4?

So, he's supposed to be here tomorrow, I have a hair appt. I wonder if he will try to talk to me or act like our argument yesterday never happened.

Do you have any suggestions on how I should specifically deal with him tomorrow?

I am also considering writing to his mom and filling her in a little on what's been happening. I don't want to "tattle tale", I just want H's parents to be aware and - maybe - offer him some help.

Tonight S4 had a big meltdown after his bath - kicking, hitting me,etc. It is so hard when I have no one to do "tag team" with, I'm on my own. And yes, S4's acting out is due in large part to H's absence.

I'm falling asleep....