Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi Maf,

Thanks for your post.

I understand the challenges you described about your S3. There's no doubt in my mind that our children suffer the loss of their parent's - their sense of security is totally rocked. At first S4 did a lot of tantruming when H would arrive to visit and I finally realized it was because I was always leaving when H arrived. Since H comes to my house I have to face him a lot and that is very hard, but its gotten easier and S4 doesn't freak out as much if I go to the grocery store or something.

It was so hard in the first few months because I cried a lot. S4 would scream at me - "no mommy, you can't cry!" and get very angry or cry himself. I tried to look at it as an opportunity to teach him that crying is ok - it's natural - and that it's ok to express our feelings. As much as I can I try to think about what message he will be getting from my behavior. That's a big reason why I try so hard to be nice and civil to H and to never speak ill of him when S4 is there. I don't want S4 to feel like he has to side with me, I want him to have a loving R w/ his daddy.

Over the past year S4 has used hitting and kicking ME as a way to express his anger and fear. Again, an opportunity to teach that violence is not ok and we work on other ways for him to express his feelings. He's able to tell me when he's sad, when he misses daddy,etc., but it's not always consistent. It really pushes my buttons when he attacks me, it's a topic I'm working on in therapy.

Anyway, you're right of course, the best we can do is show our kids a lot of love, affection, attention and consistency. I think S4 just tests me to make sure I'm not going anywhere. I tell him that "no matter what, I'm going to take care of him".

I think my therapist who is actually across the country is going to give me a referral here for a good therapist who can meet with me and S4. I feel like I need that, someone to help me distinguish between typical 4 yr old behavior and acting out.

It is amazing how our H's can expect pity from us! My H acts as if he hasn't done anything and that all of this "just happened", like "oops, I fell in love with someone else". It's so frustrating. But I do feel better for having started the major detachment that I'm trying to do. It will take some practice to get the hang of it, but I think I'm doing alright.

H is supposed to show up Sunday. I'll keep you posted. He told me he has started an anti-anxiety med that has bad side effects. I recommended something else that is known for little or no side effects. It's incredible that - after 1 year of this - that he seems worse off and I am the one who's getting on with life.

Take care of yourself.