My H does see d7 most of the time when he is supposed to. I really can't complain about that, but sometimes he will call last minute b/c he is running late at work and won't be home in time to visit with d. What bothers me is H could see d more frequently than he does and chooses not to. He will go a week sometimes longer without seeing her. This kills me and I know it hurts d when he goes this long. I try to encourage H to spend as much time with her as possible. Because he doesn't see her much during the weekdays I would be okay with him spending time with her every weekend , but he has never even asked and I know it is b/c he spends those weekends alone with Ow. It hurts that d is not his priority. I have told H that d has to be our priority right now, but it doesnt seem to sink in. He feels he is fufilling his "daddy duties" by coming to visit her every other weekend I guess. I can't imagine seeing d every other weekend and maybe one evening each week.
My H has been threating a D, but now he talks mostly about just getting a legal S. I'm not sure why he changed his tune on this. He blames me for us not having something legal already , says I am stalling. I told him that I need to protect myself financially so I am not agreeing to anything that isn't fair. So we keep going back and forth with negotiating the legal S. My lawyer says that H says he wants a D, but won't work out an agreement with me. It doesn't make much sense to either me or my lawyer. Believe me I am not asking for anything unreasonable at all, just what I am legally entitled to. Sometimes I think H is just trying to be difficult, of course he says this about me. In the beginning I was stalling I will admit, but now I need something legal to protect myself as H refuses to pay any joint bills right now. So many things aren't being paid b/c I don't have the total amount to pay them.
My C says that you do have a right to keep Ow away from the kids. You can have it put into the legal papers . She says that until a D is final it is not in the best interest of the children to bring other people around . My C said she would even right me a letter to give to my lawyer to back it up. So yes, you do have control over whether your H can bring S4 around Ow. I guess you have to just weigh the pros and cons as they say with DBing. In doing this will I accomplish my goal or is it going to make it worse? This is something that I ask myself everyday.
Again so similar. I have told my H that I would sign D papers if he gives me the house. He refuses. Like you I want to cover myself financially since H is not contributing anything to joint bills (CC bills or health insurance for the baby which is automatically deducted from my pay and needed because S3 has a heart condition) and those bills alone eat up the balance of my pay once the mortgage is taken care off. It is contradictory because he pays all the utility bills for the house (groceries, cable, phone, Internet, water and for a full time housekeeper). All of the utilities are in his name and were connected after he had moved out of our apartment (he has never lived in this house). He also pays school fees for S3 which are very expensive. However, from everyone I hear they never continue with support payments as they are ordered once the D goes through especially if they remarry (unless you push), of course the amount is never enough and here, enforcement is almost not worth the hassle
I guess I'm lucky in some ways because at least we see him every day (we share one vehicle since we can't afford another, used or otherwise). He comes by at 6am every monring and drops me to work. Takes our son to school, picks him up at noon, picks me up at 5:30. He then has dinner at the house with us and usually leaves bet 9-11pm to go "home" to Ow. The weekends are pretty much the same although he has not been spending as much consistent time since Ow has been bringing pressure to bear. If I call his cell phone with anything about S3 he comes, no matter what time of night it is.
What I do miss is the fact that we never go out on family outings any longer (unless they've had a fight) and we never travel anymore (my parents do not live here so S3 and I always take solitary trips. He has travelled with her three times but has always denied that she went and one time I was not at home so he denies that he even travelled.) However now that S3 is in school we do those outings as a family and we regularly intereact with his family. I guess for appearances again.
What's the point of the charade. I know there is no reason to the madness so why do we even bother to try and understand.
Forgot to mention from your previous post. I treat H as if everything is normal. I cook regularly, we talk all the time it's as if we ignore what is going on unless she is presurring him to end the situation.
He treats me respectfully and is very protective of me. He does my laundry and seems to feel bad when I am hurting but does nothing to try and fix the problem.. Don't forget Ow is their soul mate and new best friend and his very protective of me vilifying her. But other than that by all appearances we are a perfect couple in a perfect marriage. In fact our 7 year annivesary is today.
How can you stand it? I am surprised that Ow puts up with it. I know you love H , but do you think he will ever make up his mind whether he wants you or Ow? It must be so hard for you knowing when he leaves that he is going home to Ow.
We still did things as a family for the first 3 months after H moved out. H & I continued as if we were still a couple except that he lived with MIL. I'm not sure what happened, but 3 months after he left he said it was too confusing for everyone so he ended it. I think I was putting too much pressure on him to recommitt to M again so he bolted! I hadn't found DBing at that time so I didn't realize I was making things worse.
Ever since then it has been a gradual detaching by H and now he treats me like a stranger. It's weird. I only talk to him either about d7 or finances. He has shut the door right now on me and I feel hopeless most of the time.
I just don't understand why the WAS feels that starting over is the best decision especially when children are involved.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights with me. It's all so baffling to me.
My H hasn't returned my calls or email's today regarding S4 or child support payment. He hasn't called S4 for regular nightly call for 3 days! I'm getting anxious and worried and angry! But I haven't left any messages since 5:30pm requesting that he call me. I'm wondering if this is his way of punishing me for "trying to control" his R w/ S4 (by wanting to meet Ow first) or if he's having some sort of break down. Last week he kept telling me about his sleeplessness and crying in the middle of the night, and he didn't bother to show up or call on Saturday.
I am at my wits end. What do I do? He owes me money (child support) which I need to pay the rent AND I feel so terribly sad for S4.
I think I know what I have to do - seek help w/ legal separation so I can get this stuff in writing and within a legal framework. I'm just so busy and barely have time to get groceries.
Well, I am totally exhausted. I will write more tomorrow.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I know you are worried about H b/c you haven't heard from him, but this is normal behavior for a WAS. Sometimes they will go dark for awhile. They get caught up in their "new life" or who knows maybe this is a way to punish the LBS. All I know is that DBing tells you that you can not control another person and that this is there problem not yours. Just try to keep telling yourself that you can't help your H right now. He knows that you are there for him if and when he is ready to contact you. This is all you can do now- let him go and find his way!
I know this is very hard to do, believe me I struggle with detachment everyday, but it is a must if you want to keep your sanity!
I agree that you need to get a legal S in place to protect yourself financially. I speak from experience for my H isn't paying any joint bills right now b/c we do not have anything legal. He knows that he can get away with it right now so he is taking advantage of it. In my case H and I can't agree on what is fair and what is not fair financially so nothing is happening
Have you seen a lawyer for a consultation yet? Most do them for free. At least they can give you some legal advice. It sucks that the LBS even has to pay anything towards a D since we are not the ones that want out of the M, but unfortunately we are forced into it to protect ourselves. If your H gets mad at you for going for legal S, just say I am sorry you feel this way, but I have bills to pay and want what is best for S4.
I would agree with ktf do whatever you can legally especially if it concerns the welfare of S4. I am sure that H will be angry but he has forced you to do this. Trust me he sees what his actions have caused, but does it stop him from doing what he is doing? Of course not so you do what you have to do. The reality is even though we are 50% responsible for producing children our H and the world expects more from us as mothers. Look how easy it was for H to walk out on S4. Would you? Of course not.
S3 and have gone a week at a time on a number of occasions without elelctricity or water. What does H do? He'll stay as late as usual but then he goes where he lives in comfort to Ow because she makes sure that all of her bills are paid. In fact in a letter she wrote to H she even mentioned that he never helps with any of her bills. If I were able to pay mine on my own trust me I would. But why should I let him renege on his responsibility.
At least you have some legal recourse
ktf
It used to bother me him going to Ow everynight but why? Does he feel any remorse or stop what he is doing? No. So I feel by not letting it get to me that that is my ability to detach. He is.
Under the circumstances why does Ow put up with H? "She loves him and he loves her and he has left me for her. And considering this I am stupid not to give him a D since he does not want me." So, as far as Ow is concerned she has the upperhand. Ow also says that H has shown her that he wants to be with her so she is willing to wait it out. Because whenever she "ends it", H begs her to take him back until she acquiesces. I wonder what makes her think that he will be faithful to her? He was intimate with me for two years after he moved out to be with her?
She says she will wait, but she wants to get married again and have children and trust me my not giving him a D is a huge hindrance to that (she will be 36 month end). So let's see if she really is willing to wait the requisite 5 years (if H has to file).
The ironic thing is that I know that if she were not in the picture H would be home. A friend was the Ow in a 7-year affair, she says to me. Hang in there if you can. It will end. They all end and she will regret sullying her name for this relationship especially if she is not the sort who would have ever gone out with a married man.
My friend feels like this now but she thought that she would have been married to her guy who is now back with his wife who stopped her divorce proceedings against him.
So I say to everyone, hang in there as long as you feasible cann if your marriage and family are worth it to.
As my best friend said to another friend (and she never makes these kinds of statements)...
"God would not make your soulmate someone who has is unavailable" eg someone who has made marital vows to someone already.
It is so great having this forum to come to and get REAL advice from women who KNOW. Thanks!
H finally responded to my email this morning (at work) after 3 days of no word. His excuse: he was physically in very, very bad shape. He kept trying to get me to "take the bait" and feel sorry for him and ask him what was the matter - but I just kept the focus on the deposit he was supposed to do in my account and whether or not he was going to visit S4.
He lied and said he had deposited my support money on Saturday when actuality he did it today. He shorted me $300 as well (according to what I thought we had agreed on) - haven't called him on it yet.
He said he would be over tonight to see S4 and ended up getting here about 45 min's later than usual w/ no apology. He immediately tried to get me to ask him what was wrong with him, but when I would ask he finally said "so you know, I went to the doctor and they said my blood is deficient and prescribed many supplements...they said my immune system was very bad....also, I am taking anti-anxiety medication now". I just said "I'm sorry to hear that" and that was it. I just couldn't bring myself to feel sorry for him after all the lies and hell he has put me through.
Later he told me "I only told you this just in case something happens to me". I said "ok".
It is so hard not to turn around and tell him that I really do care, but it is just too painful because it is not my place anymore. He has someone else to be there for him.
Do you think I should have been more concerned and compassionate?
I left and went grocery shopping - while driving it hit me what he said about "if something happens to me". I just don't think he gets the scope of the impact all this has already had on S4. I mean, it's terrible if he's sick, but he's already been out of our lives for a year.
I think I mentioned that I've filed for bankruptcy so I am no longer liable for the only joint credit we have. I told him in advance that this would happen and that people would be calling him. I wonder if that's why he shorted me this month...I just don't know if that's her type.
Well, I will try to steal a moment this week to call Family Court and find out what I need to do.
I'll keep you posted.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I think your stance of not being sucked into his agenda was right on. It is no longer your problem, his choice, so you are just helping him stick by what he has said.
How is it that they want us to have pity for them under the circumstances and yet choose to be oblivous to what they are doing to us? Well even if we don't shove it down their throats like the good Dbers we are we don't have to encourage their taking advantage of us wanting to hold onto our marriages.
How is S4 doing? I always say to myself that S3 seems fine but I know that he isn't. He is really defiant of me. He knows that daddy leaves every night so he waits until he is gone to do whatever he pleases. He is unnaturally atttached to daddy (of course that is a result of being left all the time) and unnaturally attached to mama because I'm sure he is scared of me leaving him like daddy does. In fact he has started some weird behaviours like rubbing and smelling my ears. Of course if I were to mention this to H he would get all defensive and accuse me of blaming him for this??!??!? So I make sure to give S3 all the love and reassurance that I can. Make sure that you do the same for S4 and you too ktf for d7.
Trust me our Hs will regret the alienation of their children for many years to come if our sitches don't turn around.
Anyway, I hope both of you and all Dbers reading this have a great day.
MAF “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you make of it.” --Zig Ziglar
you've written a lot since I last checked. Just wanted to say keep your head up. Your an awesome wife and mother! Just think how strong you are for going thru this horrible thing for so long!
Just don't forget to bring joy in your life, show your husband with your actions that you are happy and living up your life and that God has great plans for you.
I would say that showing him compassion as a friend would be ideal. That is what the DB coach told me...to act as if he were your brother or friend, not your husband.
I really think that because I showed my H that I "understood" him (or tried to anyways) and acknowledged that our marriage was miserable (as he thought, but never told me) and that I never wanted him to be in a marriage like that again. I also said (this was in a letter mind you) that I would love to start a new marriage, one that was fun, respectful, lots of sex, and putting our relationship first.
He never responded to anything I ever wrote or said to him, not a word, but in the end, it did mean something to him and he's back with me (going on almost 3 months now).
If you really still want to try to get him back, I think you really need to stop questioning him, stop any blaming or anger (even though you have every right), and show him you understand and accept him.
And remember to PRAISE him for anything little tiny thing that he does right. About the kids, or anything. You gotta search DEEP!!!
You know, there were many times my H seemed depressed, and then I started thinking, hey, maybe him and the Ow aren't having such a great time after all? You know that the Ow has to be annoyed that your H hasn't filed for divorce yet, and she's got to be questioning him about when he sees you or goes to visit your S, so you keep being the understanding happy fun and almost mysterious wife that your H can see and start thinking, huh, whats going on in her life thats so great.
I noticed that your H had said that "you've changed". Really think hard about that. I'm not blaming you for what happened, because that was his choice and it was not your fault, however, none of us are perfect and perhaps you had changed, just enough for him to notice and feel distanced from you. I know that's what happened with me. I was in denial for a while, but then started reflecting and even though my H started it, I was not the same person, or the person I really was happy with, and from then on, I changed into the person I know God wants me to be and I am loving myself again.
I know it hurts our pride when we humble ourselves and change "us" first, but thats all we can change. The bible says, "those who put themselves first will be last, and those who are last will be first".
Anyways, I hope that helps. I don't get on here very often now, but I will check in on you. I still pray for everyone here.
Love you all, Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
