Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi KTF,

It makes me so sad and so angry to know that so many of us are going through this! It is so discouraging to know that so many people lack the courage and maturity to AT LEAST TRY to save their marriage. I just don't know how I'll ever be able to trust another man - I sure hope God will help me out on that one!

Except for the fact that my H is only 28 (I'm 10 yrs older) he definitely looks to be in MLC (or QLC). His behavior is about the emotional and mental equivalent of a 15 yr old who is rebelling against everyone. He has been using me as his source of blame and I am tired of it. I am tired of his anger, bitterness, and downright cruelty. I DO NOT DESERVE IT! It hurts me beyond measure to know how much I loved and cared for him - only for him to "forget" and use me as his scapegoat.

The reality is, he is depressed, ashamed, and full of self-loathing AND self-centered, blaming, a victim, etc. I think the Ow is just an escape from looking at himself and taking responsibility for his defects of character. He has jumped from a marriage to another serious relationship without ever really looking at the root of his problems. It's sad.

I pray that the Ow will show her true colors too, but IMO - just engaging in the A is evidence enough that she has no character. Obviously H doesn't see it that way, but I hope that in the end he will take the high road and leave that R.

At this point he is too deep into it, he's too addicted to Ow, he is too angry at me (or rather at himself) to own up to it and make a healthy choice. It's sad.

This week he has pulled the old "I'm too sick" to come see S4. He started setting it up on Thursday morning when he emailed to say he hadn't slept the night before due to anxiety..said he woke up shivering and crying. He'd already swapped his Thurs visit with Fri but then started emailing me Fri morning with more "tales of woe". I tried really hard not to take the bait and just kept it focused on his visit time, etc. He clearly wanted my sympathy though. WTF! Doesn't he have the Ow for that now!!?? Anyway, I told him not to come Fri so that he could be sure to be "well" for Saturday and he said he couldn't promise anything. Sure enough, no phonecall Saturday (today). I had to call him around noon just to "remind him" to call me and let me know what his plan was. Of course I knew he wasn't coming and in fact had told him Fri that I was going to make other plans and he could call me "to work something out", no call. Anyway, he finally called when I was out and said he had just picked up his "prescription" - Anti-anxiety I presume. He said he was going to deposit my child support money - haven't seen it yet.

Yes, he is very messed up. And it's so, so sad because it is such a contrast from the person I met and fell in love with. I can't even begin to describe the difference. It's night and day. My therapist suggests that he has regressed to this adolescent state because he didn't do it when he should have - he never really broke away from his parents and instead kept them on a pedestal. I believe he feels he never measured up - and he transferred that onto me. So, in effect, I have become his parent's and he can be angry at me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, regardless of WHY, he may never grow up and take ownership of this. He may continue down this path of blaming and victimhood forever. My father has done it for 60+ years. I wish I didn't have to compare H to my father, but sadly it has manifested that way - in different ways, but same outcome.

Well, tomorrow I am bringing S4 to visit family up North for the day. My mom is actually driving. I'm still not comfortable going to family gatherings without H, but my family is pretty understanding. I just feel like a failure because it took me so long to finally get M - only to have it fall apart. I'm embarassed. I know I didn't cause it, but still - the stigma is there.

Well, I just keep moving forward. I'll check out the self-esteem article, thanks.

Keep in touch.