Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Dear KTF,

It's uncanny, our H's behaviors are identical it seems.

Today I had a pretty tough time with my H. It started actually last night when S4 mentioned - in the context of talking about his time with "daddy" - that he had been to the beach w/ H and "a woman". I probed a little bit and couldn't really tell whether it was true - S was so vague and typically can share more details about things. So, I decided to check it out w/ H. He finally called me today at work wondering what my Q was about - so I asked him. He was not convincing, but regardless insisted that he said it wasn't true and that's enough. I asked him if we should get to the point where I meet Ow before S4 does. Oh man, this sent him reeling. He knows that I want to meet Ow before S4 does, I think it's my right to know who is in my S4's life on any regular basis. H thinks I should just "trust his judgement" - Ha! Is he crazy? I told him I don't trust or respect either one of them for what they've done. He launched completely into the extreme - "well, then we shouldn't talk at all". I told him the only reason I talk to him is for our S4's sake and that I will do whatever I have to do to protect S's well-being.

Our conversation also lead to stuff about our R and how I still feel like I'm in shock that we are even at this point - that I still don't understand it. H, very angrily, tries to pass off as much blame onto me - saying I should know why.

After we hung up I felt sick and depressed. I couldn't eat and could barely focus at work. I vow never to talk (or email) him from work! And more than that, I'm going to convey to him that I can't talk to him about our R at all unless we are in our MC's office.

He emailed me later a few times, telling me how "angry, hurt and sad" he was and accusing me of trying to "control" his R w/ S4. He accused me of always taking him for granted and only paying him (our R) lip service.

Why does he bring up our R like that? Is it just because he feels threatened about our S4? I'm so confused Part of me thinks he just wants to keep blaming me and blaming me to justify his own behavior.

I asked him if he is going to marry the Ow. His response was "well, if things go as they are - then yeah". I asked if they were going to have children - he said "no, I highly doubt it - I can't afford it and I don't want to split my time - I want to give my all to S4". Hmmm, I think there's more to that story...

He went on an on about how "kind and genuine" Ow is and how she's always thoughtful, etc. It made me want to throw up! He said he was "in a really good place right now".

He also said, even if the Ow didn't exist he wouldn't want to save our M. Ouch! When I asked him where all his love for me went he said "you've changed a lot". Ugh!

It's truly crazy-making trying to make any sense from his words. It's like he's completely gone - his thinking is so distorted.

I agree with you, I need to 100% detach and GAL. This has to include not talking to him or cooking for him or eating meals with him when he is over to visit S4. I've been trying to protect S4 from H's and my bitternesss toward each other, but I think I'm going to lose it if I have to be so nice to him. I wish I didn't have to talk to him or see him at all! I think I need to do some reading on this.

I hope we can get a MC appt soon - the C seems pretty booked. We need to get in there. H seems to be more open in our sessions.

Yeah, it helps me too knowing you're out there and can understand so well (sadly).

How is you D7 doing? How do you manage day to day?