Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi KTF,

I am so sorry, I know how hard it is! Do you mind if I ask - what is your H's excuse for only coming every other weekend to see D7? I mean, 1 1/2 hrs isn't that far! Does he work long hours? Would he be open to coming more often?

I know, I know, we're dealing with irrational, selfish SOB WAH's! If it isn't convenient, they won't do it - right?

My H uses his job as an excuse and now says he can't make it on Fridays after work anymore. He says his boss already gives him a hard time about leaving early (5pm) on Tues & Thurs. He says he goes in at 7am and they frown on anyone taking a lunch or leaving before 6-7pm. Well, how am I supposed to believe anything he tells me. My guess is that - yes - his job is demanding, but I bet he leaves other nights to be with Ow.

I am just so tired of being a single mom! It is so damn hard - I didn't sign up for this. Of course I wouldn't trade having my S4 for being single, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. My H has NO CLUE. The last few visits S4 has been acting out a lot with H. I'm hoping and praying he starts to realize the effects of all this on our S. The sad thing is though, I doubt he'll make the connection - he is so self-centered.

I seem to switch back and forth between hating him (resenting him) and missing him. I can't stand the person that he has become this last year - he's nothing like the man I married. The man I married was kind, thoughtful, sweet, loving, attentive, fun, "mature". Now he's selfish, self-defensive, intolerant, impatient, cruel, cold, indifferent, thoughtless. I miss my H, the man I fell in love with. And I miss my S4's daddy, the one that laughed and played and could be silly.

It's not that he is totally gone. I get glimpses every so often, but I'm too afraid to respond because I know he'll just go away again...back to the Ow.

Today I am just surrendering to the fact that I can't make myself accept this, I can't force myself to stop loving him. Maybe some people think I'm crazy for still hoping - after all the crap he has pulled - that we have a chance at getting our marriage back someday. But that's my truth. I don't want him the way he is now, but I pray he will grow and realize what he has thrown away - before it's too late. I pray that the Ow shows her true colors too, and that he recognizes the lack of integrity they both have for doing this.

It's a tall order, too tall probably, but I have to believe that God can make miracles happen.

Realistically, H shows no signs of missing me whatsoever. He acts pretty cold and indifferent most times, but I was struck by his comment last week - when I mentioned that he seemed depressed, he said "well, it's not easy knowing my family is breaking up". What does he care anyway!

I guess I'm scared that - no matter how much he might feel sad and guilty, that it won't change anything. I fear that he really is in love with Ow and that they will "live happily ever after". Ugh!

I know the only answer is to just keep moving forward, taking care of myself and S4. I'm doing that. I've decided to hire a babysitter every Sat night so I can start to have a life. I colored my hair this weekend and bought some new clothes (just a couple of things - I'm broke!). I'm feeling really good about my job, I'm getting my financial matters in order, and have a few fun outings planned.

November will be 1 year since we S and I plan to be in NY visiting a friend. I can't believe a year has passed, it's unthinkable.

Well, I guess the best we can do is stay in the moment, pray, and keep walking!

How is your D7 doing? Does she understand what's happened? How do you deal with that aspect of all this? I think it's harder for me to accept my H not being in my S4's life every day than not being in mine. That hurts me to the core.

Well, we're going to make it through this you know.

Let's stay in touch...