Moving Forward

[keepingthefaithbb7]

MonicaP,

I also worry that when H takes d7 somewhere that OW will be there. So far he hasn't introduced her to our daughter, but only b/c C has advised against it.

My H will not go to MC, but did agree to go to C for our daughter . She doesn't like to go with him much and rarely sleeps over. I am hoping that maybe the C can "plant some seeds" in H's head about himself a bit.
Maybe he will begin to see that a lot of our M problems stemmed from his own issues. C said she would like to break down some of H's walls! I pray that she can b/c this could possibly help to bring us back together.

We had our daughter's family birthday party together yesterday, I too hope that maybe he had some thoughts of what he gave up and made him think about what he is missing as far as having a functioning family . It has been 1 year since we were all together as a family until yesterday. It was uncomfortable, but I tried to be hospitable and kind to H. He however treated me like the invisable woman. H didn't say much of anything to me, just talked to everyone else. He left early, before the birthday cake and didn't even eat any dinner! He said he wasn't hungry. I wonder if his stomach was upset b/c he was nervous being there ( typical of H) or did he leave early b/c he had late dinner plans with OW! God forgive OW was feeling left out yesterday b/c H was attending our daughter's birthday party without her!!!

KTF7

[MonicaP]

Hi KTF7,

Wow, isn't it amazing (and sad) how our H's can behave so similarly?! When my H comes over after work to see S4 he's usually hungry and will take the food I offer, but other times (Sundays) he'll say "no thanks, I'm not hungry". I immediately think he's got late dinner plans with Ow. Where he's getting the money for that, I don't know.

Btw, I read once to write "Other woman" with small "w" because Ow doesn't deserve the title of "Woman". I like that!

So how was it having H at your d's party? I'm sorry to hear that he left early. You could be right, it may have been too difficult for him emotionally. Was it primarily your family there? My family doesn't want to have anything to do with my H at this point. No one's seen him in a year. It's sad because he was particularly close with my niece9 and she's always asking questions. Some day I'd like to arrange a meeting.

SO, are you going to counseling for co-parenting issues? My therapist suggested that this was a good idea - no matter what - but that it could help bring things into the light as far as our marriage. We've gone twice to a new therapist after 5 months with a terrible one and those 2 sessions were the best. We're only going once/month so there's lag time.

H came this morning to watch S4 who was ill and what gets me is how different he looks and dresses. His hair is well past his shoulders now which he wears in a ponytail, his clothes are wrinkled and loose, and he rarely smiles. The look on his face when he left this afternoon was sadness. I hope he starts remembering some of our good times.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger - I an so angry that he didn't do anything to try to save our marriage before he bailed. He says he did, but that's B.S. And he's passed up every chance in the past year to try with me.

Well, I'm so tired...

[25yearsmlc]

Hey, sorry to see you in this sitch. I don't know how to copy and paste, but I just posted a long post about letting go of the anger, and doing the things you will want to do down the road. I think the thread is called "What do I do with my anger?" I have had the last year to work on this and I thank God for releasing me from my all consuming anger and hurt. I am now more available to my girls at home, as I am not constantly obsessing about H's behaviors, thoughts, etc. Hope it helps.
j- (aka 25yearsmlc)

[25yearsmlc]

Hey K and Monica,

PS ---a wonderful book to read, at least for me, is Marianne Williamson's book (two actually, 1) "Handling anger/Fear" , and 2) "The Gift of Change". I'd read them in that order if it matters. Depends on where you are. I am now seeing the silver lining in this gray stormy cloud of grief, and even some sunlight. Good luck, God bless.
j-

[keepingthefaithbb7]

MonicaP,

My family lives in Florida so they couldn't be there, the party was all of his family. I still am very close with them and actually talk to them at least once a week. They are very upset with him b/c as they see it he abandoned his family for Ow. ( small w- thanks!)

Yes we are going to C for co-parenting issues. I am looking at it as a possible chance that H may start to realize some things about our M. We have been going for about 2 months now and so far nothing has changed really.
I like the C and she knows that my goal is to have my H and family back together again. H & I have only gone together 2 times the rest has been just our daughter. The C hopes to meet with H alone a few times b/c she feels he has a lot of personal issues that he is not dealing with that have contributed to him leaving. Unfortunately H doesn't want to face these demons.

Isn't it funny, I really don't think my H is any happier now either. He appears on the surface to be fine, but when I look at him sometimes when no one is watching he looks very sad. H & I have been M for 10 years, I know the look when he is feeling down as I am sure you also know your H's "sad" look.

I have tons of anger too, at myself for taking him for granted a lot and not realizing sooner just how unhappy he was, but I am really angry like you b/c H didn't even want to try before he bailed. My H also said he did too, but trying means both spouses giving their all AT THE SAME TIME , not just one of them. My H refused any kind of MC . I know that it was b/c of Ow , but of course he denied and still denys this. I feel like our M didn't even have a chance b/c he was involved with someone else. Ow robbed us of any chance of getting our M back on track!
and for this I hate both of them.

KTF7

[cat03]

The look on his face when he left this afternoon was sadness. I hope he starts remembering some of our good times.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger - I an so angry that he didn't do anything to try to save our marriage before he bailed. He says he did, but that's B.S. And he's passed up every chance in the past year to try with me.

My H when away also looked like sh*t warmed over, so unkempt and withdrawn. He needs to get away from his own anger and blame before he remembers the good times, before he thinks about mending things up w/you. THe way I see it , Ow is their "new" chance to have a working R, one where they cant' fail and are the knights in shining armour, that's the main reason they have those harlots around. But you can't fool all the people all the time, in time her real colors will show "wonderful people don't screw around w/ married men".

I pray he realizes soon he's in MLC, that he sees his attempts to "fix" the sitch by leaving won't heal him, he is has the misery w/him.

[MonicaP]

Dear 25yrsMLC and KTF,

Thank you both for your posts.

25 yrs...I'll check out your post about anger and check for the books in the library. I like Marianne Williamson.

KTF - We sure have a lot of similarities! What does your H say he wants to get from C? How often do you go? Our last session was canceled and we have yet to set a new one since MC is on vacation. I think we are at the point where we need to get in and talk about some recent stuff. Namely, H has stated that he can't really make it Fri nights anymore because his boss puts a lot of pressure on him. He says he fights for Tu & Th as it is. I told him I was angry but that there is nothing I can do except work with the situation.

Today I was feeling completely lonely for H. I came across some "happy pictures" of us and just had to force myself to stop looking. But the feeling has stuck with me. I realize that I am still in shock - after nearly 1 year - that this is all really happening. I mean, I go about my daily life and of course I am aware that I am separated, but in my heart I just can't force myself to accept it. I just think, how can this be? How can MY H be with Ow??? Why did my H give up and stop loving me?

Well, I am so exhausted...

Until next time, take care.

[keepingthefaithbb7]

Woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind starts racing and I begin thinking about H and how much I miss him. I wonder will the pain ever go away?

I know exactly how you feel. How can they just stop loving you and move on? I also come across old pictures of the happy times and think why doesn't H want to try to get this back?

I had a sad weekend , H moved 1 1/2 hours away b/c of his job. He will only see d7 every other weekend when he comes home- supposedly will be staying with his mother.
I feel like it is even more "final" with him leaving and it really hurts. I don't know anything about his life anymore. He shares only with Ow now and I hate it.

It has been 1 year and 4 months for me and I still can't seem to detach from him. I want my H back and our family.
I know how you feel b/c I too am still in "shock" that this is happening. I never thought H would ever quit loving me , I thought we had a love that could get though anything. It's obvious that H doesnt' feel the same. I must of saw our M completely different than he did

KTF7

[MonicaP]

Hi KTF,

I am so sorry, I know how hard it is! Do you mind if I ask - what is your H's excuse for only coming every other weekend to see D7? I mean, 1 1/2 hrs isn't that far! Does he work long hours? Would he be open to coming more often?

I know, I know, we're dealing with irrational, selfish SOB WAH's! If it isn't convenient, they won't do it - right?

My H uses his job as an excuse and now says he can't make it on Fridays after work anymore. He says his boss already gives him a hard time about leaving early (5pm) on Tues & Thurs. He says he goes in at 7am and they frown on anyone taking a lunch or leaving before 6-7pm. Well, how am I supposed to believe anything he tells me. My guess is that - yes - his job is demanding, but I bet he leaves other nights to be with Ow.

I am just so tired of being a single mom! It is so damn hard - I didn't sign up for this. Of course I wouldn't trade having my S4 for being single, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. My H has NO CLUE. The last few visits S4 has been acting out a lot with H. I'm hoping and praying he starts to realize the effects of all this on our S. The sad thing is though, I doubt he'll make the connection - he is so self-centered.

I seem to switch back and forth between hating him (resenting him) and missing him. I can't stand the person that he has become this last year - he's nothing like the man I married. The man I married was kind, thoughtful, sweet, loving, attentive, fun, "mature". Now he's selfish, self-defensive, intolerant, impatient, cruel, cold, indifferent, thoughtless. I miss my H, the man I fell in love with. And I miss my S4's daddy, the one that laughed and played and could be silly.

It's not that he is totally gone. I get glimpses every so often, but I'm too afraid to respond because I know he'll just go away again...back to the Ow.

Today I am just surrendering to the fact that I can't make myself accept this, I can't force myself to stop loving him. Maybe some people think I'm crazy for still hoping - after all the crap he has pulled - that we have a chance at getting our marriage back someday. But that's my truth. I don't want him the way he is now, but I pray he will grow and realize what he has thrown away - before it's too late. I pray that the Ow shows her true colors too, and that he recognizes the lack of integrity they both have for doing this.

It's a tall order, too tall probably, but I have to believe that God can make miracles happen.

Realistically, H shows no signs of missing me whatsoever. He acts pretty cold and indifferent most times, but I was struck by his comment last week - when I mentioned that he seemed depressed, he said "well, it's not easy knowing my family is breaking up". What does he care anyway!

I guess I'm scared that - no matter how much he might feel sad and guilty, that it won't change anything. I fear that he really is in love with Ow and that they will "live happily ever after". Ugh!

I know the only answer is to just keep moving forward, taking care of myself and S4. I'm doing that. I've decided to hire a babysitter every Sat night so I can start to have a life. I colored my hair this weekend and bought some new clothes (just a couple of things - I'm broke!). I'm feeling really good about my job, I'm getting my financial matters in order, and have a few fun outings planned.

November will be 1 year since we S and I plan to be in NY visiting a friend. I can't believe a year has passed, it's unthinkable.

Well, I guess the best we can do is stay in the moment, pray, and keep walking!

How is your D7 doing? Does she understand what's happened? How do you deal with that aspect of all this? I think it's harder for me to accept my H not being in my S4's life every day than not being in mine. That hurts me to the core.

Well, we're going to make it through this you know.

Let's stay in touch...

[keepingthefaithbb7]

My H recently got a promotion and he does have long hours. He is the boss and can't leave until everything is done, but just as you said I'm sure he leaves early to see Ow!

Reading your last post I can't believe how similar are H's sound. Yes, if it isn't convient for H he won't do it. Everything revolves around H's schedule and what works best for him!

It is hard being a single mom and I know how you feel when you say " I didn't sign up for this". When H & I decided to have our d7 , our plan was to raise her together not apart Now that he has his "bandaid" he wants to run off into the sunset with her and the he*l with anyone who stands in his way! D7 is definitely not his priority right now though he would deny this, but actions speak louder than words. Just Friday he said he was going to try to go to lunch with d7 at her school, but never showed up. I now know that he was with Ow on Friday, she was helping him pack for his move. ( I guess he couldn't get away to see his d!)

Yeah, they don't have a clue what it is like to be left with all the responsibility of being the primary parent and they don't care. My d has been acting out a lot also, she doesn't like to go with H much. If she does than it's for a few hours at the most and she will call wanting to come home. She is in C, so far H has been somewhat involved, but I'm sure this will end soon when things get to "close" to H actually having to look at himself and how his choices have affected d. But as you said, they are too self-centered right now to notice or care!

I know what you mean by going back & forth between hating him and missing him. I feel the same. I hate him for who he has become , but miss the man I fell in love with. He is buried deep down inside somewhere I pray someday soon he will emerge again and realize all the pain he has caused. I don't want my H now either. He is a stranger to me and I can't believe some of the things he has done over the past year. It's as if an alien has abducted his body or something.

I also fear that he is or thinks he is "in love" with Ow and will end up marrying her. I know a little background on my H's Ow and she is no prize. My MIL has met her a few times and doesn't care for her. She is the only one in the family that has met her probably b/c H knows that no one else wants to meet her + H knows that everyone knows he has been having A and left his family for her!
Anyway, she is bold, forward, smokes ( H never liked smoking), 3 kids whom live with her xh, doesn't have a close relationship with her own mother, etc. Why would H leave me for someone like this??? He really has gone mad.
Not that I am perfect , but I certainly have a lot more going for me than her. Obviously not in H's eyes, but in everyone else's eyes.

My H acts the same towards me. Indifferent, no signs of missing me, etc. It's like he looks right though me.
It hurts, I know.

I have finally realized that I have been DBing for almost 1 year now, but I really haven't been consistant. I never really completely detached and let go of H and he knows it. Until I do this nothing will ever change and H will never look back. So this is my new game plan and I am going to follow it. I will be kind, but indifferent. Treat him like an aquaintance and focus on self - growth and my children.

I hope and pray that while I am doing this H will grow himself and start to look at his own issues and stop blaming me for all that went wrong with our M. I have taken 99% of the blame for everything so H doesn't have to. This is going to stop b/c there were a lot of things H could have done differently too, but it has been easier for him to point the finger at me. I wanted to to what ever it took to make our M better , but H didnt' want to.
He wouldn't even try, talk about selfish. This is what hurts me the most I think. He told me I was his "soulmate" and now I am someone who he can't wait to get rid of. Why wouldn't he want to fight to get this back??

What we both need to do is to continue detaching and GAL.
It's so hard letting go of the WAS and all the dreams you shared, but I know it is the only way. If I want to keep my sanity

We will be okay, it will just take time. It really helps knowing that there is someone else out there who knows how I am feeling. Keep me posted and take care of yourself and your S4.

KTF7