Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Locked out of first thread..I hope the link works below.

Five years ago tomorrow, the day before Sept 11th 2001, my H and I had our 3rd wedding ceremony (long story) in a beautiful centuries old church in the village where he grew up. My father-in-law walked me down the aisle, I took my H's hand and recited my vows in his native language. It was a gorgeuos sky-blue day and we headed for our reception at a villa turned resort with rolling hills, lake, and even grapes hanging from the trellis. I felt like a fairy princess. The next day, the beginning of our honeymoon, was Sept 11th. We came back to the U.S. 2 weeks later.

It was our 3rd ceremony...we were married 1st in a civil ceremony, then a spiritual ceremony in the U.S. w/ my friends & family, then in a church in his hometown.

Will we need to get 3 divorces? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, it is still difficult for me to accept that the person my H is now is that same person who treated me like gold. Now he seems so angry, he blames me for his feelings, he can be so cold.

This Sunday is the 3rd in a row that he is not going to be able to take S4. The first two misses were due to "business trips" and this weekend it is due to the fact that he has a mild case of scabies! WTF? I haven't done any reading about it but I am told that it is more or less an STD. I mean, one could get it another way, but I think it's more likely that the #$%& he's sleeping w/ passed it on. H actually called me to get sympathy!

Meanwhile I am exhausted. S4 is really testing the limits lately and I just feel so resentful toward my H for leaving me to be a single mom. He never even tried to work it out. And weren't even married that long.

But while we were married, at least for the first few years (and longer, for me) we seemed to be so in love. That's what keeps haunting me - I still can't justify this happening - there was no warning.

Will I ever be able to move on with my life and be at peace with this? I miss my H - the man I fell in love with - so much sometimes. But the more time passes the harder it is for me to remember what it was like to be in love with him. The anger and hurt is smothering.

But I want to move forward. I'm tired of this roller-coaster ride - I need to get off.

[cat03]

Hey there, dont' beat yourself up about the past anymore, they were some signs but so subtle we didnt' really thought they were going to leave (my H and I had a convo about how he threw "big hints", to what I responded "in the future, sit me down and TALK with me, no more hints") My point is, what's done is done, he left the coward's way and that's that.

Remember, you are in charge, and s4 needs to know that. Remember, no empty threats, use a firm voice when correcting him and carry out your sentences even if it means leaving the park/playground/party 10 min after you've arrived. You can do it, I did it with 2 kids, others do it w/3 or 4. I'm not trying to minimize your pain, just to let you know that you both can make it.

I hope I didn't post this already on your thread, and if you've read it already sorry, but this article is just right for people in this sitch:

========
When a divorce occurs, it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time or cannot face going back into a marriage in which he or she is now known and understood and can no longer pose as the chaste virgin or white knight spotless and beyond criticism. A recent New Yorker cartoon showed a forlorn man at a bar compaining: "My wife understands me."

Appropriate guilt is always helpful, though it must come from inside rather than from a raging, nasty spouse; anger is a lousy seduction technique for anyone except terminal weirdos. Guilt is good for you. Shame, however, makes people run away, and hide.

The prognosis after an affair is not grim, and those who have strayed have not lost all their value. The sadder but wiser infidel may be both more careful and more grateful



and


Men in Love

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.

[MonicaP]

Hi Cat03,

Wow, I can relate to those articles. What is the source? I sincerely hope that my H finds help for his depression. I rarely see him smile or laugh. Is it possible he only does these things w/ Ow? Well, whatever the case, I am usually friendly toward him and I am always a bit surprised when I still see him stuck in the past.

I got a free consult from an atty today and I think the best path for me right now is legal separation. That way I can get all the support and custody issues dealt with without actual divorce.

H was here for the first time in 1 week tonight. He seemed depressed. He brought up our financial sitch and said he wanted to see a financial mediator. I told him I spoke to an atty and we can go thru family court mediation (meaning legal sep). He agreed, but in general seemed down. I wonder if he's dying to get divorced or if he's still ambivalent.

I'm exhausted.

[cat03]

Beyond infidelity

That's the link, it's worth reading all 6pgs of it.

IF he does smile and act normal with OP is because he is putting up a facade, as the article says, he is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Whenever I saw my H, 9 out 10 he was all serious and depressed.

Don't try to get into his head, they are so volatile and unpredicable, one moment my H talks about us going away to the Bahamas, the next week spent hundreds on a trip to Vegas for the two of them (thank heavens, we ended up going together)

Dont' let his ambivalence drag you down too, if his head is scrambled you dont' need to feel that way either, you know what you want, keep detaching and work on yourself and making you and your son happy.

[keepingthefaithbb7]

MonicaP,

I feel your pain. My H also left me and d5, stepd13,stepd17, just over a year ago. Said there was no OW, but I knew there was a missing piece so I did some snooping - I know that is a big no-no, but I had to find out why he wouldn't even try. Sure enough I traced phone calls to the same number and found out it was this girl that he knew from work.

I have gone through so much gpain and still live with a lot of guilt for H blames me completely and justifys everything he has done b/c I neglected our M. I am guilty of taking him for granted and putting the kids first, but I always loved him. I waited too long to realize that he was slipping away and the sad thing is that I didn't even see it coming. OW obviously was there for him at the right time when he thought I didn't care.

Anyway, like you I am trying to be a friend to H as difficult as it is . My friends think I am being way to easy on him and sometimes I think I am too, but I want my M back and pray for reconcilation. H does not want the M and says he is done and will never come back. Funny thing is he has begun to come over once or twice a week to visit d7 ( she is ours together) and hangs out at my place. We are even having d7 birthday party together this weekend.
I'm not sure if this means anything at all, but to me I feel it could work to my advantage if I play my cards right, any suggestions?

Sorry to go on like this, but when I read your thread I could relate to everything you said . I admire you for the way you have chosen to handle your situation . I would like your advice ,maybe we could help each other through this craziness!

KTF7

[MonicaP]

Hi Keepingthefaith...

Wow, our sitch's sound a lot alike! I totally feel your pain too. I never saw it coming either and some of my family/friends think I am being too "good" to my H as well. That's why I always feel so comfortable here, we all know what it's like to want to save our M's and not to just throw it away so easily.

For the past year (this Oct/Nov) I have learned soooo much about myself because I have done the footwork. I can't say the same for my H who still seems depressed and lost. I can't quite understand - isn't he supposed to be happier now that he's not with me and he's with Ow? I mean, isn't that what he wanted! But I don't see him happy or healthy.

What keeps me going - to be quite honest - is my S4. If it weren't for him I think I surely would have given up by now. I feel I have to do everything in my power to save my M so that one day - if necessary - I can tell him what I did. I think of my S4 in every interaction I have with H (or most interactions) so I can maintain composure.

But my therapist is now helping me to deal with my anger. I still can't access it very well and tend to make justifications for my H's behavior. I know I need to work this through before I can truly move forward.

I have no clue how this will all wind up. I pray for my H a lot (I use a book called "Power of the PRaying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian). I'm not religious, but the book is based on Christianity. To me, everything spiritual helps.

I pray for your sitch and keep in touch!

[keepingthefaithbb7]

MonicaP,

My H doesn't seem happier now either. I think that when he is with OW he can "forget" about everything b/c she keeps him distracted from the reality, but I can tell that H still isn't any happier. I think they try to convince themselves that they are b/c otherwise they would have to admit that they made a mistake.

Coming here helps me and also I read a lot of self-help books. Have you read any books by Hal Urban? "Choices that Change Lives" or "Life's Greatest Lessons". They are great books.

H & I are having our d6 birthday together this weekend, I'm kind of nervous b/c I never really know how I should act around him. I still love and miss him so much so it is painful to be near him, but at the same time I know that if we aren't friends again then there will be no chance of us ever reconciling. Right now with OW still in the picture I am the invisable woman! I'm not sure if she will ever go away - H's A has been going on for 1 1/2 years now. ( he hid it until 4 months ago so it has only been out in the open since then)I'm hoping that this will take some of the excitement out of it and it will end soon.

Say a little pray for me
KTF7

[MonicaP]

Dear KTF,

Prayer said!

Ironically, I'm celebrating my S4's birthday this Saturday (his bday is Monday). H isn't invited but will do something special w/ S4 on Sunday. What's hard is that this time last year WE were hosting S's bday together. Unbeknownst to me though, he had already met Ow. Now I see why he was preoccupied. Well, there is no way H could come - or would come - to my party w/ my family & friends. I hope that someday we will be able to do that, but not this time!

H was over tonight and when I got back from shopping he had already put S4 to bed. I asked H to stay a few minutes to be sure S was asleep (otherwise the minute H left S4 would be up and about). H totally resisted and resented the request, saying that he was tired and had a long drive home and big day ahead. I thought, HA! He has no clue what I go through as a single mom. When he thought I was complaining he said "you don't have to do this you know" implying that HE could take care of S4. Another HA! He can't stay 5 extra minutes and he thinks he could care for S F/T? When I said "no way" he babbled something like "well, i guess you'll never know" (know that he COULD do it).

I am too angry these days to walk on egg-shells with him. I'm not going to coddle his ego anymore. I told him I think he is depressed, that he might want to consider therapy, that I haven't seem him smile or laugh in ages. He replied that it is hard leaving S4 every time and the fact that our family is breaking up doesn't help either. Duh! Tell me about it. He says he reconnected with some friends in his home country (friends I also know) and that that is good for now. They are listening to him. I said friend's aren't the same as therapists, but I'm glad he has people to talk to (away from Ow!).

AS far as how to act around WAH...what works for me is to find other things to do when he is here w/ S4, talk to him briefly, friendly, and don't initiate much conversation (if any). Never let him see me depressed or terribly upset (although there are exceptions) and ACT AS IF. H asked me how I was doing tonight and I said - under the circumstances I'm doing well. I'm doing everything in my power to utilize help.

I haven't heard of those books - I'll make a note. I'm reading a Native American spiritual book right now and it is great.

Well, I'm falling asleep...

Have a great party and focus on your daughter.

[keepingthefaithbb7]

MonicaP,

H & I hosted our daughter's birthday together last year too, even though he was already out of the house. He was also preoccupied and when the party was over he dashed out to his car and got right on his cell. Now I know he was on his way to see OW and couldn't leave fast enough!

So you H has been having an A for over a year as well? Are you like me and wonder every day if and when it will end? Everyone here says that OW is just a bandaid and that it will end , but when it is still going on after 1 year don't you wonder????

My goal is to have my H and family together again someday so this is why I am trying to be kind, listen better, and validate his feelings so that we can hopefully become friends and eventually together again.

Isn't it hard to keep focused on your goals when WAS says that they will never come back? My H is in a MLC I am almost certain of this . They say that you can't believe anything they say b/c they are so messed up and have convinced themselves that they don't love you anymore and blame you for everything! This is what I have to keep reminding myself of . Do you think your H is in a MLC?

[MonicaP]

Hi KTF,

Yes, I definitely think H is going through an identity crisis, although I can't call it a MLC because he is only 28. I'm 10 yrs older. H fits the "Quarter Life Crisis" picture for sure. I truly believe that if he had never met Ow we would have had a chance - with help. I think he believes he is in love with Ow because she represents a part of himself that he was too afraid to show with me. He has gotten into the Goth sub-culture, she is too - gee, perfect couple.

S4's birthday party turned out well and today H took him out for the day. I had some anxiety - worried that he might bring Ow onto the scene, but doesn't appear to have happened. H made dinner tonight and made small conversation afterward while S4 was playing in other room. He then told me that today was one of the best days he's had with S in a while. I'm glad about that. I want him to remember - by staying for dinner and interacting somewhat as a functioning "family" - what he's giving up. There was one time in MC w/ old C when he said he thinks he might have made a big mistake and that he was missing us. C was completely inept and didn't even follow up!

We were supposed to have our 3rd appt w/ new MC last week but H was sick. I wonder if we'll go this week.

Well, I'm practically falling asleep - exhausting weekend.