Calm down. Take the focus off what she is doing. You're probably going to be roommates for a while, her choice, but wanting to stay married to her, you will have to play that game.
If your M was so bad that she feared for her life and her D's life...she would have been long gone. The advantage to her staying b/c of your D, does allow you the time to change yourself and observe her. It does not mean that she will automatically fall back in love with you or even owes that to you.
You have two choices:
1. Accept it for now - start DBing right now, with every fiber in your being. You want this to work? Then follow DB. That means now...let that "inner child" within you that causes you to keep playing the same things over and over in your head, a good smack on the face. It's just a temper tantrum; but it causes you to focus on the negative - instead of the positive. Thus, you become mentally paralyzed and cannot move forward and create the action that is needed to correct the problems in your M (Whew!!).
An A is a symptom of problems in your M that you both caused. Simple as that. Just like, tingling of the arms or hands are a symptom of a possible sroke or heartattack.
You don't just focus on the symptoms, you go to a doctor to find out what is causing them. That is DBing. But yet, most of the people here, wallow in their pain, too long, they become unable to do anything about it. The pain, then, becomes worse; they start to do all the wrong things, just to get a reaction.
Action forces reaction. You want the marriage back - then change yourself - work on everything that lacked in the M.
Now before I get 90 people complaining that I'm making the A to be trite; let it be known, that I don't condone it - nor do I feel as if it's the end of the world. It's a red flag, that says, urgent - time to change the path we're on - or else it will be the end. That is a valuable tool to have. People get D everyday. Your S's either told you, you figured it out, or someone told you.
Now - what are you going to do? You change it. I gave myself three weeks to feel: guilty, sad, embarassed, low down, crying, screaming, shouting. I did not like what I saw. So I got the books, cd's, everything I could get my hands on, to get out of the hole. It's called self-preser- vation. It wasn't do anything to my sitch by acting that way - the only thing I could change was me.
2. Divorce her.
Does this make sense? She's there, work on you and the problems that exist in your M. Things have a way of working themselves out, once you focus on you and you alone.
Btw, she's there, meaning, she's willing to try, but she won't admit that to you. Don't ask either. Just believe that she's doing it for her D...but she still isn't totally sure the M is over.
Now work on you...leave her alone...be upbeat, helpful, kind and considerate...don't push her.
Get out of the negative state you're in...try being positive; remember, she could have left a long time ago.
