My H definately piecing but me...

[toughlover]

Kim

Believe me, I know how you feel. Been there. Still, to some extent, there.

How do you do that? I do not know where to look for it in myself.

Well, you have it. You're choosing not to exercise it because it's easier to give in. Ultimately, though, I would say the strength is not necessarily within yourself but in God...and our goal is to put ourselves in God's hands and handle things his way, which is the way of forgiveness.

To do that, you have to stop allowing your entire universe to swirl around your S. You have to be able to function without him before you will ever be able to share your life with him...cause as they say, if you don't Get A Life, you won't have one to share with your S.

But you do know how to do this. You already know the answer, cause you said:

I know I am doing all the wrong things to fix our R, and I am just making it much harder for him.And pushing him away.

There you go. Now if you continue to do this, you're choosing to push him away rather than control yourself. It's your choice.

I do think the wayward S is obligated to be forthcoming with relevant details, to be willing to account for their whereabouts for a reasonable amount of time you two have to agree on. That was really the first step my W and I took to begin working together again. So far, so good.

While he was cheating, he was the problem. When he comes back and says he wants to work to make things better, and you won't let it go, you start being the problem.

Your goal is to starve the problem, refuse to feed it. The DB stuff is the way you do that.

I have just gotten to where I can fully do that. Maybe for the last 10 days, and I've already seen a difference in my W. Very small, baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

I simply chose to be the best husband I could be. I asked myself, "Self, if this were all brand new, and I wanted nothing more than to be the best husband my W could ever want, what would I do?" Then I did it, everything from spending more time with the kids, being more patient and kind, doing ALL the dishes after dinner (she cooks it all, so that's fair), doing more chores around the house without being asked, bringing her cold drinks, rubbing her feet, you name it. I listen, I validate, I don't try to fix her. I gently remind her of my love by my actions.

I do those things, but I also go about my own business too, and I don't expect anything in return. Yes, it's hard...hardest thing I've ever done. But I don't necessarily do it because of who she is, I do it because of who God is and who I want to be. And it's what my kids deserve. My absolute best.

Again, anger, bitterness, resentment feel better in the short term, and are necessary to deal with and get rid of, but true (unconditional) love transforms.