My H definately piecing but me...

[toughlover]

Kim

Hey, it's your decision and completely understandable, I was just giving it to you from my perspective. We have to do what's best for us in these sitch's.

I have almost unlimited cash in my "self-righteous" account. I even ended up with a low-level STD because of her behavior. Everything she did was selfish and rotten. And I let her have it with both barrels for the first couple of weeks...between my grief/crying, anger, and desire for revenge. And I was very close to broadcasting her behavior to everyone in her email address book (all friends and family) and paying a little visit to the OM as well. I'm glad I didn't, though.

I realized that the A wasn't the problem with our marriage going bad, it was a symptom. Yes, it's a problem now, but one that can be solved if the larger problem of our marriage can be solved.

I choose to solve my problems; it's up to her to solve hers, or suffer the consequences on her own.

So the first thing I had to do was stop being the problem. I chose to forgive (and it too is a choice we have to reaffirm everyday until it is no longer an issue); I chose to recommit my life to Christ and be the person God calls me to be, which also means being the best husband and father I can be. I was already GAL'ing and PMA'ing when this hit, so I hit the ground running, so to speak. Lost weight, cranked up my old hobbies, and a couple new ones, got myself looking good again, etc.

The way I see it, I'm the primary beneficiary of all that, because in the end loving my wife brings me joy. Even though we're not back to where we need to be yet, and it will clearly be a long road, my love and commitment gets bigger every day...but more because of who God is, not necessarily because of who my wife is.

It seems backwards, I know. I even told that to our MC: "Wait a minute...the person I loved and trusted most perpetrates the most evil on me that I've ever experienced, and I'm supposed to LOVE her in return?"

Yep. Love her with boundaries; don't be a doormat. But love unconditionally regardless.

Anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. all have to be dealt with and expressed in a reasonable way, of course. But in the end, that stuff doesn't transform lives for the better. Only unconditional love does.

In the end, I'm glad I did. As MC said, it creates the best environment for this marriage to be healed. My sons need this marriage healed. I'd prefer it be healed than any other alternative.

But I also can't help but think that by giving her more than I'm getting, I'm actually getting more than I'm giving. If that makes any sense.

So, there's joy, but right now it also brings me pain, because I get very little (relatively speaking) in return. Although I do get more than most at this stage, I don't get what I want the most: her affection, the interest she used to have in me, her heart.

If you're a Christian, there's no way you can get closer to understanding how God suffers when we turn from Him than by unconditionally loving an unfaithful spouse who still hasn't completely returned to you with his/her whole heart. It's worse, IMO, than suffering for your children, because you don't commit to them the way you do to your spouse.

In short, it breaks my heart. But that's something God can fix, and we can all live through.