My H definately piecing but me...

[toughlover]

Until you're no longer married, the rings mean something. My wife and I still wear ours, because she is my wife and I am her husband. Her commitment at some points was meaningless, but the rings have always meant something and always will.

I'm in a similar sitch, except it was my W who had the A behind my back for 3 years and was planning on divorcing me to marry the OM. However, she chose to stay, and is similarly doing everything I could reasonably expect her to do.

My wife lacks feelings for me. I still have feelings for her, but they come and they go, they change with time.

The fact that she acted upon her feelings for someone else, and chose to act on those feelings rather than act upon her commitment to me, is the problem. IMO, anytime we choose to act upon our feelings rather than our commitments, if there is a conflict between the two, we commit a grievous error.

I believe that applies to our lack of feelings as well. I made a vow to my wife to be her husband for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, for better or for worse, til death do we part. That doesn't mean I'm supposed to simply take up space in our house and be her roomate and "co-parent" (I hate that word, anyway).

I am a Christian and believe I am obligated to forgive my wife because she asked for my forgiveness, and I am obligated to fully restore the relationship from my side, as she is obligated to from hers. So I can't treat our marriage like a second-class marriage, and I can treat her like a second-class citizen in our marriage. I have to give her my best and expect nothing in return.

That doesn't mean I can't DB, and it doesn't mean I have to be a doormat.

It means I have to love her anyway, regardless of what she does, because of who God is, not because of who she is.

The way I see it, I'm loving her out of my strength which ultimately comes from God, rather than my weakness or neediness. Even if you're not a Christian, I think DB is consistent with the idea that we must choose to become strong first, then love our wayward spouse out of that strength.

That way we know we gave it our all and we are no longer the problem. Someone on here has the tag line in their sig "If I am not the problem, I can't be the solution."

I think that's one good way to look at it. We are working to not be the problem in our M. Once we get there, that's all we can do. Maintain it and love out of our strength. It is likewise our S's obligation to not be the problem.

If they choose to be the problem, we know we've done everything we can do...and if they leave for good, then we're that much better for the next person who comes along.

This is just my opinion, of course, but I don't think removing wedding rings, withholding things, etc. does anything but hurt ourselves, does anything but continue to make us part of the problem. That doesn't mean we have to be at our spouse's beck and call, doesn't mean they get to make the decisions.

It means we must be willing and availalble to solve the problems...in ourselves first.