Giving my sitch to God

[~Sol]

It's always good to know that the end of a spouse's A is near the end!!!!

Good to hear on your DBing and high PMA!!!

[not_giving_up]

I would love to see that....Unfortunately my H is living with OW so how will I know that things are on the fritz?

[RBinBR]

W and I spent last night with each other and talked together for about 4 hours.

It truly appears the A is dead, because OM doesn't want to take W back and W is more and more convinced that she did the right thing by breaking up with him.

I found out that W actually saw OM last week, and he would barely talk to her. He now believes that she will never completely leave me. He appears to have been genuinely scared by her episode of bipolar mania, and he now recognizes that it would be very difficult to care for her. Additionally, OM believes that she might return to me every time she gets sick. So, he seems to be giving up on her.

not_giving_up, all I can tell you to do is to be kind, strong and (especially) patient. There were so many times that I thought the A was just about over (and in retrospect, so did my W). It was so easy to get depressed every time a break with OM was healed. Waiting the A out may be the most difficult task of your life, and there is no guarantee that you will be successful, but it's worth the effort for its own sake.

[not_giving_up]

Thanks. I decided a few days after I found out about my H's A to be kind and loving. Of course I did the normal crying and begging but to no resolve. I continue to show him nothing but loving ways and try to work on myself. My biggest problem in the M is my control over things. He didn't really ever take control over anything so I took that upon myself...then it became second nature. That is a big step for me to get rid of this control. I pray that he begins to see the changes that I am making and realize that there is no need for the OW. What he wants and needs is at home with me and the kids.

Sorry to ramble. I am glad that things are beginning to look up in your sitch.

[RBinBR]

W is now resigned that it is over with OM. She is very depressed, and she is also very worried about her job and her finances (for good reason).

She basically wants me to spend every minute of my time with her, and I've been grateful for the opportunity to support her. Things are getting more loving between us, but she's responding more out of gratitude than romantic love. We did "do it" Saturday, but it was more just "having sex" than ML. Her heart wasn't really in it. Still, I'm very grateful to God for where everything is right now. I'll keep looking forward to his blessings.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, It sounds like things are moving along well, and also as would be expected. So glad to hear you are drawing closer to each other. Just continue to be very gentle with your W and take it slow. I think it is a good sign that you have become physically intimate again, but of course you would not feel "connected" when W is still depressed and grieving over OM. I am wondering if your W and you are able to talk about that? That you realize she is grieving, even though you know this is what she wants, that it is hard, and that you know that this process will take some time and that is OK. To encourage her to tell you what she is thinking and feeling, not to hold back to "protect" you from her truth. Just wondering if you are talking about it, I imagine your W feels a combination of guilt, remorse and sadness which is all very complicated and confusing especially if she moves too quickly with you. Predictably, I see your W needing to hit her own emotional bottom and it seems that she is afraid of the pain and depression and would be happy to use you as a diversion to avoid what is coming as long as possible. It is important that she not project the pain that is coming onto you. If she does that, she will cycle away from you again, I would think. So do make sure to encourage her to take some time for herself, to feel her feelings and grow, and just let her know that you are there and willing to listen without trying to fill up every hole in her heart. Because eventually she will have to learn to deal with the holes in her heart and repair them herself rather than put all that on you. Just a word of caution, as I do not want my friend RB over-extended so that the R becomes way out of balance once more. You have done such a great job of growing and working on you. I am so proud of you RB, and of your progress. It is wonderful to see you grateful for these many blessings. BTW, even if it does not feel like 100% connection right now when you ML, this is such a huge step towards regaining your intimacy and trust with each other. I am sure if your W takes the space and time to grow and work on herself, you will find your way back to all of it. Just keep talking and listening! And keep being the amazing manifestation of unconditional love that you are. I am rooting for you RB, as always. It is a wonderful miracle to me to see how your patience and commitment is paying off. I remember when you were very close to giving up, so frustrated and resigned. And look now. What a blessing!

[Mamabear]

Hi RB,
I just stumbled upon your thread while looking for people who started on this journey with me a year ago. I am so happy for you. I remember so many times where you wanted to give up but your patience and perserverence looks like it has paid off.

While my H has never admitted to anything, nor has he professed his undying love or begged for forgiveness (I kind of wish he would) I think we are going to make it.

Piecing is hard, but I believe with your strength and confidence and unconditional love for your wife that you will make it too.

All the best, Mama

[RBinBR]

Thanks MB and PL!

I think it is a good sign that you have become physically intimate again, but of course you would not feel "connected" when W is still depressed and grieving over OM.

No kidding! Two weeks ago, she was still telling me that she couldn't imagine having sex with me and didn't know if she would ever be able to. For her to want sex with me (and ask for it no less) is definitely a good sign.

I am wondering if your W and you are able to talk about that? That you realize she is grieving, even though you know this is what she wants, that it is hard, and that you know that this process will take some time and that is OK. To encourage her to tell you what she is thinking and feeling, not to hold back to "protect" you from her truth.

PL, it took a little while to get her over the fear of hurting me or making me mad, but W now wants to talk nonstop about her R with the OM ... and I'm grateful that she trusts me enough to share her deepest emotions with me. She tells me how much she misses him and what things she misses, she tells me how wrong for her OM was and why she feels relieved, she tells me how disappointed she is that OM is quitting the army and resuming his smoking habit (she wanted to have changed him for the better), she tells me lots of funny stories about their times together, good and bad.

Predictably, I see your W needing to hit her own emotional bottom and it seems that she is afraid of the pain and depression and would be happy to use you as a diversion to avoid what is coming as long as possible.

No question that this is what she is doing -- avoiding reality.

It is a wonderful miracle to me to see how your patience and commitment is paying off. I remember when you were very close to giving up, so frustrated and resigned. And look now. What a blessing!

Don't forget that you helped, PL! I definitely appreciate you.

[grasshopper]

RB my man! Glad to see things are working out for you...such as they are. It seems like reunion day for me. First Hope in MLC and now you here (accidentally clicked on Infidelity instead of Piecing). Most of my people are gone from here so I don't visit much but I am really glad I did today. Please, keep being a GREAT example of how to do this thing.

GH

[RBinBR]

Thanks, GH ... and thanks for your support over the past year, which really helped me make it. I haven't had time to check other threads in months, but I'll try to catch up soon.