Giving my sitch to God

[PositivelyListening]

Well, RB my friend, you can be cautious and calm and stable and take it one step at a time. I on the other hand, I AM ABSOLUTELY ESTATIC AND OVERJOYED!! Because YOU know that you will not accept just any situation, that you want a good life, a healthy life, for you and your daughter. You are lovingly detached. Cautiously optimistic? I am overjoyed for you. Truly wonderful. OM is out of the picture, W is looking deep within herself. You will keep learning, growing, stabilizing, and hopefully being as lovingly open as you can muster. You know RB, if your W does pull through (especialy since she wants to take some time to work on herself) you have a very good chance of having the healthy happy marriage you have always wanted. Just keep working on you though, RB. Because you will need to keep your heart loving and open, with your brain fully on. And that takes vigilance. Which I know you can manage RB. Look at what you hve managed to do so far! I am truly so happy for this latest development. Keep hanging in there, RB. More will be revealed! As you know, I am rooting for you.

[MuddleThrough]

It's good to hear that she's taking care of herself. It's not really possible to have a great marriage with someone who isn't healthy. Good that you can keep this perspective and an open mind regarding the future of your relationship.

[RBinBR]

W and I had another conversation last night. She told me that OM is furious that she has broken it off with him. She asked me to pray for OM, and of course I agreed that -- and told her that I have been doing that anyway.

Long-time followers of my sitch may remember the time in April when she kicked OM out and "tried to do the right thing." This seems very different. She isn't "trying" -- she's just "doing", and she seems 100% committed to following God's will for her life. That said, she hasn't yet stopped talking to OM. She's still trying to "help" him and is very worried about how he's taking this. He was planning to come to Baton Rouge on December 19 when he got leave, and she's afraid he may still try to come.

[RBinBR]

I spent Friday and Saturday nights with W, who wanted me to be with her because she is struggling right now with a bout of bipolar disorder and knew that I was the best person to help keep her sane. No kissing or anything like that, but some holding and snuggling.

Most of the time, she is very committed to the end of her relationship with OM. She seems determined not to talk to him. She is not, however, ready to commit to our marriage (and I've told her that I'm not ready to commit either).

I definitely am concerned that OM will call her and she will talk to him and respark the A. She definitely still has feelings for him and ended the A because she wants to serve God, not because she was tired of him or because of a fight or anything.

Mixed up in this is my concern as to how her decisions right now are being affected by her altered mental state. It's hard for me to know what she's going to think when she's not sick anymore.

I'm trying not to let myself get my hopes up too much, but it may be a little late for that. I really didn't want to be the one comforting and guiding her during this time, but her mental illness forced that upon me. The good news is that she does seem very grateful, and she does care for me, even though not yet in a romantic way. Our time together was good. We did Bible studies together, prayed together, and shared a lot of feelings.

We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, I think you are doing great. It is very difficult to love someone who is mentally ill. I imagine that your W will have this illness for the remainder of her days, and it will just be a matter of managing it with meds and therapy - not that it will ever really "go away". So of course you would need to see her managing her life in such a way that she is committed to health and well being for the future. Otherwise there is too much at stake (your happiness, the happiness of your D, etc.) And I imagine (or at least I hope this is your stand) that you do not want to be in a care-taking role for your W forever. I hope that you are both committed to her strength and health and that you will not settle for an R without that. Otherwise, your R will always be out of balance, as you will always be the capable one, she will always be the weak one. And that wouldn't be good. So it is important to support her periodically to grow and strengthen her, to be supportive rather than enabling though. I imagine you have thought about this a lot yourself.

Meanwhile, there are some really good signs. Your W appears to be trying really hard. Change is hard, especially big change, which is what she is up to. And regarding the end of the OM, and why - have you read the small book by Ed Wheat "How to Save your Marriage Alone" ? If you haven't, you must get it, it is only about $3. I carry it around in my purse, read it whenever I am discouraged about my sitch. There is a section in there that talks about what you said:

One Christian husband forsook his adulterous affair and came home because through personal Bible reading he realized how deeply he had fallen into sin and how terrible the results of that could be. His wife told me, "I thought he had come home because he loved me. But he admitted that he came back in obedience to God's Word. That really did something to my pride at first! My husband said, 'God promises me that He will teach me how to love you as you should be loved.' Then I realized how dumb I had been with my hurt pride. I should be thanking the Lord because this is the best way for us to be building a real love relationship. If he had come back because I looked more attractive to him at the moment, it wouldn't have lasted. Now, with both of us, our strength and hope to rebuild our marriage rests with the Lord."

There are some other real gems in that book for you also RB. His retelling of the story of Hosea for one.

You hang in there. Try not to give in to the fear. You are on the right path. Just keep digging up that love in your heart. And take good care of you - that is a top priority, or you will have nothing left over for anyone else. You are amazing. Hugs to you.

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL. I'll look for that book. Of course, W's mental illness was an issue in our marriage, and it will have to be definitively resolved before I can truly make a new committment to her. Without her taking her medicine, I could expect her to have these seriously manic episodes every year or two. Ironically, though, I've recently been praying for her to get sick -- knowing that a manic episode would likely cause her to reflect on spiritual matters more completely. On that issue, I was right.

[RBinBR]

Well, after 1 night back in the apartment by myself, I have now spent two more nights with W. She is not very concerned at all about the end of her affair, because she is so worried about her mental state. In a way, her manic state is a blessing in disguise, because otherwise I believe she would be obsessed with OM right now.

On the other hand, I basically haven't slept the last two nights, as I work hard to make sure that she can overcome the fear that plagues her and rest. She is continually feeling demons attacking her mind or worrying that she is Satan. Under her doctor's orders, we are ramping up her meds, and we hope this will ease soon.

I took yesterday off from school and we spent the whole day together and had a really good time. We are definitely growing a lot closer throught this process, and we are both back to saying ILY. She's even kissing me a little, though I think it's more out of gratitude than romantic love. She really appreciates how I'm taking care of her right now.

[hc3gal]

Hi RB I have been following all of your posts still but apologize that I haven't posted much lately. Everyday I see your updates it brings tears to my eyes.

My H is still with OW but drawing closer to me but I'm confused at his intentions since he is with her a lot still. It seems that your W is very set on her decision and I thank God for that. He truely works in mysterious ways!!

I just want to say thanks again for your encouragement in my M when I first started posting...you helped keep me afloat and you are obviously winning your fight to save your M. I am so proud of all of your long hard work and dedication to your W and your M. You are truely a treasure and I hope soon your W does realize that again. It sounds like things are going well for you and I pray that your journey continues to move ahead.

[RBinBR]

H3, I'm sorry that I haven't had time to keep up with your sitch. I'll try to catch up soon.

With W, progress continues on a number of fronts. She is going to move in with me tomorrow (we've spent the last few nights together at her parents'). We've spent a lot of time together, and it's all been good. Her main concern continues to be that she will never be able to love me in a passionate, romantic way, but she is trying to trust God to ultimately deliver that. She still loves OM, but I'm now convinced that she is truly done with him. OM seems to have taken this very poorly and reacted with a great deal of anger. W has spent the last couple of days telling me all the reasons that they would not have worked out.

[PositivelyListening]

Oh my goodness, RB, she's moving in with you???? Wow that was so fast it makes my head spin! I am beyond words, I am so happy about the progress you have made, and what is happening now.

Now of course, as your friend here, I also have some words of caution. Don't stop your DBing!!! You will need loving detachment now more than ever. You will need to encourage your W to gain her strength and individuality and creativity and autonomy - in the context of the marriage, she will need to find her soul's freedom. So don't just take over again, let her begin to show up, find her ways to contribute and be valuable.

Also, regarding the sex/romance piece. I haven't read Passionate Marriage yet, but I know it did Grasshopper and others a lot of good. What I have gathered from the posts may be really good for you in your sitch RB. You taking on the role she is craving - the tender strength and leadership without hesitancy. This may be a little while off (although it is hard to say, considering that your sitch is moving fast right now!) but I do think you have an amazing opportunity to make this M everything you have ever dreamed of. And it's really important that you continue to work at it from your side. Don't just leave it to your W to "find" you attractive again. So, no rest for the weary... Although you don't sound weary! I am so happy for you.

What a lovely Xmas present this all is. I am not seeing in my own sitch any movement towards reconcilliation, which is hard. So it is a special gift to see the progress of others I love and have been with all year, moving towards the outcome we have all been seeking. My best to you RB. I am rooting for you, as always...