Quote: Let's just say that they know me at Borders. If you have any suggestions on what to read next I would appreciate it.
LOL! You said that to the right group! We read a LOT around here!
I'm going to step back from the relationship books and focus more on books that will help YOU find solid footing. The ones currently sitting beside my desk are:
Come to Your Senses, by Stanley Block Creating Miracles, by Carolyn Miller The Gift of Our Compulsions, by Mary O'Malley Core Transformation (don't have it with me, I forget the author)
What these have in common is focus on YOU, on how to use your reactions to your partner and the world at large to find solace and safety within yourself. NOT as a way of "putting up with" him, but as a way of finding a solid launching pad for whatever course of action you end up taking.
When we're in the throes of these R problems, we feel so yanked around. It feels like our safety, our security, our very sanity depend on some whim of our partner. He was in a good mood, so we had a good day. He had a bad day at work and took it out on me. What we keep trying to discover is what we need to say or do or BE to MAKE our partner settle down and be the nice/good/caring person we know they can be. (This sounds like the approach your C took-- if you change, he will be better. VERY superficial way of looking at things.)
Alas, that approach-- I need to change so you can be nice to me-- does NOT seem to work. The people who post here have tried that over and over again for decades-- hairdog and Lou come to mind.
IMHO first, we have to get a better sense of ourselves apart from our partners moods, whims, temper, concessions-- everything. Who am I alone. Not who am I in terms of personality (i.e., what movies do I like, am I night/morning person, etc.), but stuff much deeper than that.
Imagine this: You are standing, holding a large bag. Into that bag, imagine that you place your thoughts, your memories, your preferences, your temperament-- imagine all the things that make you "you"-- place them in the bag. The fact that you can imagine placing all of these things in the bag, and yet there is still "someone" holding the bag that is not IN the bag... who is that "someone"? THAT is your solid foundation, your launching pad, the place of peace that no one can take away with their moods and whims and ugly words.
One does not reside there on a day-to-day basis, but it's important to stay in touch with that "someone." I think your 19-year old was in touch with her. She's still there. She hasn't changed; she can't change. She's the eternal part of you (don't know how religious you are... so won't use the G-word). This part of you is like your compass and gyroscope. It keeps you level and on course.
Right now you feel that you're being tossed and turned by forces outside of you. Inside, your gyrocsope is still doing its job, and you will feel more level and grounded if you get in touch with that part. To me that has to happen before the relationship work can succeed or even really begin.
If you want to explore this further, I suggest a three-cd set called "True Meditation" by a Buddhist teacher called Adyashanti. It's only a little about meditation. It's much more about finding the peace within yourself, the place from which you orient yourself in these troubling life situations.
A R book that might be useful is "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore," by Steven Stosney. One of our posters often suggests Dr. Laura's "The Care and Feeding of Husbands." Others will probably add their own favorites.
I suggest you locate a therapist or spiritual counselor who will walk with you through these difficult times.
P.S. Most if not all of the authors I mentioned above have websites where you can sample their stuff. Adyashanti has some short readings that are excellent and thought-provoking. (If you read him, you'll see how ironic it is to describe him as "thought provoking." )
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