Another thought about shame... cobra, isn't Japanese culture focused on shame-- isn't that a way of controlling people's behavior? (I'm not saying other cultures, including American culture, don't do this, too.) Perhaps you are so used to the undercurrent of shame that you were raised with that you don't see how much pain it is causing you. Maybe it's like a second skin, or a belt or bracelet that was locked on when you were a toddler and it feels so "natural" that you can't remember a time when it wasn't there.
The fact that you take your W's words and actions so to heart and cannot let them pass even when she's just ranting and not actually doing damage tells me that you have a very deep wound around this. (Again, I'm not saying what she does is right-- that's a deflection and distraction. I'm looking at how this is affecting YOU.)
Did you get that: this present conversation is NOT about what she is doing or about whether what she is doing is right or wrong (clearly, much of it is wrong). It's about you and your pain and how her behavior triggers very old feelings of shame, worthlessness, failure, a sense of not having lived up to expectations (others' and yours, too).
Quote: My bf and I are taking a class called "Forgive Yourself." It's hard to forgive others sometimes-- well, ALL the time-- LOL! But you can start with forgiving yourself by yourself without any reference to her.
Re GEL
Quote: About 10 years ago I had to make a decision, one of those where....there is no good option.........and the rest of the story
Wow, so glad you told us this part of your life and how it helped you handle life.
Lil, GEL, Thanks for bringing this topic to the forum. This is something I guess I need to and can work on. Some of the other things I am/was working on don't seem to be have the desired effects.
There's a really mysterious alchemy that takes place when you forgive yourself. Even when someone else seems to be CLEARLY the source of a problem, there is a nagging, shaming voice inside US that says, "You ought to be able to do something about this one way or another!" And I think we need to forgive ourselves over and over for "not doing something about it" or not "succeeding" or even sticking around and taking it--- or just all the ways we reproach and shame ourselves over so many things. That is a pain we inflict on ourselves that our partner has nothing to do with-- and it is something we can stop doing to ourselves even if our partner never changes.
