That wasn't hijacking, GEL, that was very relevant to cobra's and to all our sitch's really.

You wrote
Quote:

not because I had control of his actions but because of the shame I felt for enduring it

I think this is key-- anything that causes us to feel shame is something we need to forgive ourselves for. Again, it's not logical... but it works.

The fact that our partner is mean, or unresponsive, or drinks, or rages-- these things aren't our "fault," but we feel shame associated with these behaviors of someone else. I know I felt shame about my bf's drinking. He drank long before I ever met him and I knew it wasn't my fault, but I felt ashamed of telling anyone. I felt ashamed to go to alanon. Shame is a way of beating up on ourselves. And forgiving ourselves is a way of stopping the beating up.

This says it all
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I forgave myself for all sorts of toxic feelings I'd been having, I forgave myself for self-doubt, lack of courage to confront him, putting off what had to be done....I don't even remember everything that came out that time, but I literally stood there staring at myself again saying "I forgive you for...." over and over. Once again I felt lighter, I felt better.


Those of us who hang out on this board are here because of discontent with an important part of our relationships. Some of us have been told by others to get out, to stand up for ourselves, to set boundaries, to stop tolerating this that and the other thing... and if we haven't done these things, we probably do feel some shame somewhere. Stop right now and forgive yourself-- everyone-- forgive yourself for not protecting yourself with boundaries, for not getting out, for continuing to placate your spouse, for coming back again and again, for being (if you're calling yourself these names) "weak," "stupid," "a wuss," "a pushover," "coward," "chicken"-- and THEN forgive yourself for shaming yourself.

Don't even worry about forgiving your partner yet... just extend infinite kindness to YOURSELF first.

Thanks for sharing that story.

(I think hijacking means taking the thread off on an unrelated tangent. You certainly didn't do that. And anyway, if you did, cobra would FORGIVE you! )