I find it so interesting that you mentioned this (My bf and I are taking a class called "Forgive Yourself.")
Literally doing an exercise to forgive myself under extreme times of pressure and crisis is something I started doing about 10 years ago. Cobra...I don't know if this will help you at all....but I'll describe this exercise I do....it may sound absolutely ludicrous to you, but for me....it's amazing the pressure it releases and how much lighter I feel for doing it. Bear with me guys...this might get a bit long.
About 10 years ago I had to make a decision, one of those where....there is no good option. It involved a Bi-polar XBF and trying to get him out of my life. One decision meant that I put myself in jeapordy (which I was confident I could handle)...but doing that meant it would really hurt my parents. The other option meant putting the physical well-being of my parents in jeapordy, not something I could do. Unfortunately....my XBF was severly unbalanced and would have done damage. So instead I took the cowards way out, left in the middle of the night from my folks house, leaving them a note as to what I had done and why.....and came back to OK to deal with my XBF. Due to doing what I felt I had to do....my father didn't speak to me for nearly two years. I knew that was probably what would happen when I took the course that I did....but that was the preferrable option over their possible physical harm.
Anyway...towards the end of the 2-year period that my father wasn't speaking to me I was having a conversation with a close friend of mine. During that conversation she was actually telling me that I was a hero of hers for doing what I had to do knowing the possible consequences...I didn't feel like a hero, I felt like crap because I had hurt my father so. I remember so clearly at that time saying to her when she was beating my father down for being hard on me "my dad may be hard on me, but that's because he just doesn't understand WHY I had to do what I did.....no one can be harder on me than I am." That was an epiphany moment for me in the car, right then and there. I was feeling such a load of guilt and pressure....from doing that to my parents, but the guilt and pressure were no longer being put on by my parents....my mom and I were fine, my dad was coming around....I was doing it to myself."
That day when I got home I found myself looking into the eyes of a woman in pain....I just stared at her for what felt like eons....eventually I heard the words from her "I forgive you.".....I was staring at myself in the mirror and as I said those words I broke down....those were three of the hardest words I've ever had to utter, and some of the most powerful as well. It was so cathardic...I forgave myself for doing what I felt I had to do to protect my parents, I forgave myself for marrying a man who would beat me...not because I had control of his actions but because of the shame I felt for enduring it and not feeling worthy, I forgave myself for all sorts of things right then and there....and I felt so much lighter.
I did the same thing not too long after I found out what my H had been doing online....I forgave myself for all sorts of toxic feelings I'd been having, I forgave myself for self-doubt, lack of courage to confront him, putting off what had to be done....I don't even remember everything that came out that time, but I literally stood there staring at myself again saying "I forgive you for...." over and over. Once again I felt lighter, I felt better.
So, sorry this was so long guys....but Lil, it's all your fault LOL....you reminded me of this. Sorry for the threadjacking.
