Quote: The thought of being only nice, letting her rant and rage while I calmly hold to my boundaries, is just more than I can bear.
(((((Cobra))))) I do understand... It's like standing by and watching someone beat a puppy or a child... you just can't let them "get away" with it.
And you can't "logic" yourself out of this POV either, because it's probably at a pre-verbal place, a place before reason.
Bear in mind that when your W is ranting and raving [THIS IS IMPORTANT] she IS beating a puppy with a baseball bat-- but the puppy she's beating isn't YOU, it's HER. That kind of rage and lashing out only comes from a place of extreme self-hatred. Think about it.
You, in fact, are not being damaged in any way by her words... they are truly just words. If she were screaming them in a foreign language that you didn't understand, they wouldn't hurt at all. Her anger doesn't hurt or damage you either... UNLESS you engage, and then your reflexive anger damages you.
But there I go being logical... and logic is useless here.
You cannot teach kindness to puppies OR people with a stick, especially when they're already hurting.
My bf and I are taking a class called "Forgive Yourself." It's hard to forgive others sometimes-- well, ALL the time-- LOL! But you can start with forgiving yourself by yourself without any reference to her. This is what is meant by being kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting yourself with criticism, feelings of failure, lashing out, regrets about marrying, being tired of working on the R... just forgive yourself. Anytime you have a thought about some way you've failed to live up to your expectations, or hers, or the kids-- just forgive yourself and move on. Even if you do the same thing over and over again... forgive yourself over and over. I have found that that thought, "I forgive myself," really brings relief. Just focus on YOU. Be kind to you.
