I have been told for years by W that the problems we have are almost exclusively because of me and my anger, abuse, etc. I know that I react and blow up when I can’t take it anymore. So in this way I know I am culpable. But I also know that I am not the root of the problems that create the environment which cause me to get angry. Yet I have been told over and over this is so. W has tried to tell the C and anyone else who would listen that I am by nature hyper-critical and angry. I do not that that is so. But I can’t help to realize I do contribute by playing into her game. Over the years it becomes hard to tell where our problems end with me and begin with her, and vice versa. After a while, you can’t help but buy into this.
I do not think my family sees me as the problem. They do tell me I should be more diplomatic and adjust my delivery, but what they all tell me is they think W is simply over the top. I was not raise in an environment that created a lot of self confidence. I knew I was smarter than most. I could hold my own athletically. But I was smaller than most and less outgoing. I also knew enough to know what I didn’t know. I know for a fact that the kids that seemed so confident didn’t have any idea what they were talking about. Yet they acted like they did. To avoid this, I also questioned myself first. This way of thinking spills over into my marriage, especially with W who projects the epitome of self confidence and assertiveness.
Psychology is not my field. Yet I have learned enough to have serious doubts about W’s claims. On the one hand I cannot know for sure, but on the other I know what I know, and I also know that I am not crazy and my senses do not deceive me. So when people tell me to make a change and it does not square with the experience I have in dealing with W, I just can’t go along with it. But that still does not mean I think I am right. I just know this one thing isn’t necessarily right either.
There is some power struggle involved too. But after years of putting up with this mess, it’s hard not to fall to that level. For the past few years she has been generally more balanced, without the highs and lows. The meds have helped with this. Today, things are quiet. We have been here many times before. I used to think that when we reconciled, we had turned some kind of corner. I started to hope we could grow closer together. Then the next fight would erupt. So even now I am not holding my breath, but waiting for the next fight to begin, and I think she is too.
I suppose I have come to learn that fighting and standing up to W is the only thing that works, or at least, being nice and calm (the carrot) cannot work alone without the stick. The thought of being only nice, letting her rant and rage while I calmly hold to my boundaries, is just more than I can bear. I know this comes from my FOO with my mother. But once you empower yourself and stand up to an abuser, it is SOOO hard to back down again. Holding to calm assertive boundaries still feels an awful lot like backing down to me. And that is probably why you think I am deflecting. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
