Let me be sure I understand what you are saying. There are two issues I have mentioned – ADD and OCD. Regarding ADD, I know that W has this. She has been “diagnosed” by every professional who has seen her (though I don’t know how they do that other than through subjective evaluation).
W tries to use ADD as a crutch but I do not buy into it, so that creates a lot of anger in her, but it also means that my refusal to accommodate her has made her must learn to cope and stop imposing her shortcomings on others. This has been taking place over the past year as I have not stepped in to rescue her on a lot of things that used to be ADD issues (finding her lost stuff, using the PC, organizing her things). I think this is the right course of action as things have gotten a little better. Any anxiety she gets from an ADD related issue cropping up does not seem to be fear based but frustration based. She knows ADD is a biological condition and therefore knows she is not at “fault” or to blame. In fact, she can take pride in how well she does in spite of her ADD (or so her thinking may go).
The OCD issue may be different. It may be a reaction to fear or anxiety but does not seem to create frustration in her. In fact any OCD behaviors are comforting to her so that she is able to mask the anxiety. However, if there is really no OCD but just a general anxiety disorder, using the OCD crutch will circumvent any growth she could accomplish. Preventing this growth means allowing the anxiety to persist so assigning the OCD label could create an escape hatch for her.
She may prefer to have the OCD label since that justifies her behavior and gives a convenient excuse to not confront her general anxiety. Not confronting that anxiety contributes to her need to control the family and her occasional outbursts. However, if she truly does have OCD, only medication will help. And if there are other personality disorders involved, more serious help is needed. Do I have the gist of your message right?
Now as far as how to approach her… I have my doubts that your suggestion will work because it implies there is something wrong with her, when she fully believes her problems come from me. Remember she has this major hang-up about feeling blamed or criticized. I speculated on it a little while ago. I am seeing this as a very nice way to block any “attacks” on her and maintain her defenses. It is part of the circle that helps to create and maintain her false self. So I will let this whole matter lie for a little while and ponder it some…
