(Of course she may be so gifted that she graduates straigth to whirling fire balls and wearing a cocount bikini.)
Don't put it past me LOL. Once I put my mind to something I tend to do it very well, and yes....my H would love the coconut bikini! I'm thinking it'd chafe though. LOL
Let me address the OCD. OCD is a very serious disorder and takes YEARS of effort in therapy AND medication (many times with changes until the best effect can be gained with the least side effects). Your garden variety therapist isn't equipped to deal with OCD. Many who shouldn't try anyway. You need someone who specializes in the disorder. I can't recall where you live but if there are any major universities or medical schools in your area I would start there.
Additionally Cobra, I think we all empathize with how much you and she are hurting. I understand that you think that few people here understand. I was married with someone with SEVERE pathology for 10 years. I still have him in my life because he and I must co-parent our children for the rest of our lives. I understand. Many of the R's on this board are more like yours than you might think. Please try to listen more and "Yes, but" less.
Is absolutely spot-on in my opinion. This is what I mean when I say to keep your calm. Maintaining your cool....doesn't mean you have to be her doormat, doesn't mean you take her crap when she gets out of control, approaches like this absolutely work....but you have to be consistent. Oh, and she won't like it either....but I bet she backs down.
I want to comment on this because I have tried it in the past. What it got me was nothing. Now that was in the past and I do not think it as likely now that it will get me nothing. But at one time it did.
Remember that her preferred action is to do nothing, to withdraw, to not acknowledge me or my needs. In that way she holds onto the “turf” she has gained. My previous role in our marriage was for ME to back down and feel like I was walking on eggshells. When she did hear me, it just went right in one ear and out the other. While I was at work, she would do what she wanted anyway, knowing full well there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Of course there was something I could do, but it meant exercising power since she would not respect my wishes or my boundaries.
What I am saying is that setting up a boundary and expecting her to honor that boundary never worked before. She did whatever she wanted. Only when I put teeth behind my boundaries did she start to respect them, and not because she wanted to but because she HAD to. So for me to get my wishes heard meant that I had to push, push, push. Now that she seems more willing to respect my wishes, in part out of fear of the consequences of me exerting my power and in part out of a better understanding of what a marriage is all about, Blackfoot’s suggestion has a better chance for succeeding.
That is why I am so resistant to giving back any ground I have gained. The cost was way too high to fight over again. But with those gains, she is beginning to understand why she should back down. She does not like it but is learning to deal with it. I am learning to let her adjust to her discomfort and accept life with my boundaries. I try not to rescue her (though I still catch myself doing so at times). So things have improved when I look back 2-3 years. We still have a long way to go in comparison to other marriages. But in the end I think rescuing our marriage is the best thing I can do for our kids, and myself.
Karen,
W sees a separate doctor for the meds. I don’t like the guy (since he is drugging my kids too), so I don’t know exactly know what his is prescribing the meds for – ADD of OCD or both. But that is not my concern, as long as she controls her behavior.
NO - the guy who prescribes the meds does only that. She needs someone who specializes in treatment of OCD in therapy. That person should be consulting regularly with the psychiatrist who prescribes the meds. Cobra, if your W struggles from true OCD (not just what we all like to joking reference about the picky people in our lives) then she lives every day in terror. No wonder she acts out. This isn't something for you to blithely dismiss as FOO stuff that just needs some time in the crucible. If her OCD is unchecked she CANNOT grow and change in the ways you want her to. Or indeed, in ways that she wants to. OCD is NOT just behavioral. It does not excuse her for some of the other things she does but it will prevent her from accessing feelings of safety and intimacy - they are BURIED under her anxiety. Ok - what she gets accomplished with the "pill pusher" doc isn't so much your business but a little research into people who specialize in OCD and a frank discussion with W that with the right help she could do A LOT better is warranted.
I'm suggesting Cobra that without the proper treatment in place, you are spinning your wheels. You referenced V BUBE - same thing there. His W has a serious disorder that will take years/ a lifetime to deal with, improperly or not treated, the disorder is magnified and forward movement in nearly impossible.
OCD is not something I know much about. Our C seems to be familiar with it since she claims to have a severe case of it. I do not know enough to judge. I don’t see W obsessing other the placement of things, or counting or something like that. Where I some OCD or something like it is in her obsession with the kids and fears that they might get hurt or die. Obviously this is FOO related.
I also recall that she mentioned long ago that one of her therapists said she had signs of post traumatic stress disorder. I assumed this was from the shock of her mother’s death. She scares easily and when she does she jumps with her whole body, arms go flailing, not in a fist or a punch, but in what seems to be a physically defensive reaction. She unconsciously locks doors behind her even in the middle of the day, on the weekend with everyone home and kids going in and out. While she like to put forth this tough, independent image, I have been surprised in the past that she was afraid to sleep in the house alone if I was out of town with the kids. (I think having our new puppy helped her when we were in Hawaii a few weeks ago.) I’m not sure what else she has to justify a PTSD claim.
So yeah, I think she lives with a certain level of fear and always has since childhood. I think that is part of why she does into battle mode so easily. Everything is about life or death – no middle ground. She has told the C that she HAS to do these things because no one else (me) will do them. Neither the C nor I see the need for her to maintain such control over the kids. The C is trying to tell her that this is actually harming the kids and increasing the probability for them to be harmed because they do not get the chance to learn about consequences.
I have thought this was due to W’s refusal to address her FOO issues and fears. She claims that she has, but if the OCD is overpowering, even understanding those fears cannot prevent her from continually feeling them, as you say. Maybe this has more to do with the source of her problems and the problems in our family. I have a book on OCD but have not read it yet. I’ll try to get to it.
Maybe there is much more then you are relating, but from your description it looks like anxiety. Your W is high strung and high energy. Undoubtably there was significant truama in her past, but I dont see what I recognize as OCD, from seeing others with unmistakable OCD.
Most people I know lock their doors all the time too. Especially women, and even more so women alone. Like you I find this strange, because I rarely lock anything, and my doors are always wide open, but that doesnt make them OCD. They are just exhibiting self protecting common sense.
Not trying to create a argument with you or disbelieve any Councelor/therapist. Just curious.
I was wondering that too Blackfoot, I thought maybe I didn't have a good understanding of what OCD is because I thought that people with that disorder not only lock the doors, but they compulsively check it 85 times after that to make SURE it is locked. I've also seen programs where people have the need to constantly wash their hands, until they are raw. People who can't throw anything away...literally...old gum, old bandaids. Their houses are obviously filthy. These are probably extreme cases, but I would agree that just locking the door is probably a self protective/privacy personality characteristic. Does her behavior go deeper than just locking the door Cobra?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Not that this has much bearing, but ANY woman would only be exercising common sense locking the door behind her, especially when alone. I was taught to do this growing up and do this still today and we live out in the country. When I was single living in the city...it was habit to lock my house door as soon as I closed it (too many women are attacked as a result of not doing that...that's just simple fact, I'd rather protect myself than defend myself.) I also still today, lock my car door before I close it....in addition I check the backseat and survey the undercarriage everytime before I get in, I also keep my keys between my fingers...just in case, that doesn't make me OCD right? Just cautious, aware, somewhat prepared, and smart.
I tend towards anxiety issues with your W as well, which in my mind could also explain her actions appearing as preparation for a D. "If" she feels that's the direction YOU are headed the anxiety of what's to come could lead her to make preparations. I don't know...just throwing that out there.
My understanding of people with OCD leads me to believe that people who suffer with this have routines that they MUST complete in order to function, and those routines tend to be very repetitive in nature, not simply done one time. You know....having to count how many times someone washes their hands, turns on/off a light, walks around the house and checks locks....different things like that. I'm not all that well informed on OCD, but that is my understanding of it.
Yeah, I've seen Monk...that characters activities are a compulsion though. If he sees something not done a certain way, or out of place.....he MUST take care of it, he's compelled to put things in the correct spot or correct order....he cannot move on without doing that.
Of course...I don't know what the varying degrees of OCD are either.
