BF,

I completely understand what you are saying, just trying to give Cobra the female perspective as well....since we do communicate so very differently.

Being told I did a good job isn't really such a big deal to me. I know I did a good job, I go out intending to do a good job when I do home improvements, generally that's enough for me. I would actually respond better if he said nothing at all. Rather than nit-picking....or if this was an ocassional approach. Instead these come out like you would receive a left-handed compliment where you go...."thanks, I think."

My H constantly looks to me for affirmations that he's done well, and I don't mind giving those (I get the daily rundown of EVERYTHING he's done around the house and at work so I can give him his daily pat on the back...he needs this, I accept that about him). It's just that lately it was beginning to wear on me that he couldn't just give me a pat on the back for a job well done, without pointing out the flaws. Normally, if this wasn't something that was occuring time and time again I'd easily accept that he was still giving me a pat on the back...after awhile though that does wear on me. It's as if everytime I do something (he's asked me to do, that is a favor for him) he points out what I did wrong in the process, even though we get the same results...with very similar effort...it just gets old...if feels nit-picky. After so much of that I start to feel like, "just let him do it, he's only going to tell me how I did it wrong anyway." Now, that's not to say that's what he's saying, but that's how his comments make me feel...and yes, it is personalizing...but hey, I'm human....my H would personalize this behavior too if I did this with him; I've experienced it. He does a lot of assuming that I know he thinks I did a good job on something.....but withholds the affirmation. I need those occasionally too, just as he does. I don't require them nearly as much as he does, but I still need them occasionally...and when they are withheld, the approach is magnified.

I can totally relate to the sports analogy....but my R with my H isn't a sport....sure there are tactical manuevers and I can analyze what I did right/wrong, but even during a game you still get a smack on the butt when you did something right. You still get that atta boy/girl for a good play during the game, you still get the crowd cheering for you. You don't analyze the game until it's over....when you step back and look at it objectively. I can take constructive criticism with no problem....but every now and then we all need to hear that we did something well....without the "but".

Ya know...if he hadn't been doing this to me for the last month or so, quite consistently, it wouldn't really bother me at all...it'd be water off a ducks back. I will point out though, something I should have said earlier, that once I made that comment to him...his attitude toward me changed and became much lighter with me. We did some more painting together and had a fun time doing it. Sometimes I have to say things like that to him before he realizes he's withholding.

That goes back to a conversation we had oh, well over a year ago...closer to two years really. My H would (and still does) brag about me to other people...I hear what he says about me to them, from others....yet he NEVER would say those things to my face. I had no real idea of how my own H viewed me, until some of my close friends told me (after my tubal pregnancy). He withheld his feelings from me...he withheld compliments....he withheld closeness, basically he kept me at arms-length. Now he does MUCH better, every now and then though....I have to let him know when he's withholding.

As for the arm (thanks for asking) it's back to normal, with just some limited stiffness in rotation, but I'm working on that...and I'm back in the saddle again! My Dr. was quite surprised how quickly my bones healed....guess I'm an over-achiever in that area LOL.

GEL

Well behaved women rarely ever make history!