If I do not push in this way, months pass by without any progress. It may seem logical that if no issues come up and we can get along peacefully then we should be able to get closer. But I have never experienced this to happen. In fact, it seems she usually starts to slack off on her responsibilities, slowing backing out of sex, focusing more on herself and the kids, going back to her old comfortable ways. She will also slowly start to push her boundaries to the point that she slowly encroaches in her imposition on myself and the kids.
The source of her OCD is largely found here in this paragrapgh. She needs boundaries. Without them she is adrift. She is full of fear and vulnerability, and has walls up to hide that. Walls are not the same as boundaries, because they use anger, and withdrawal and various other negatives, to self protect. Its not logical to you, because you make sure not to encroach on OP's, by being withdrawn all the time. I understand. Do you see how it actually is logical, that you have to stay in there and say 'Do this' 'Do that' from the standpoint that she needs a man with strong, decisive plans and boundaries? She knows where you stand with that. Your not withdrawn. Your showing her your real self.
GEL
This is in direct opposition to how I was raised, which is a Japanese approach. I was taught people should focus on the feelings and impressions of others first and then yourself. My W seems to practice the idea that each person should protect his/her own boundaries and if no one says anything to you, any encroachment you may do, whether intentional or not, is their fault not yours.
For years and years, Cobra has tried to be nice and not asserted himself at all. He looked to himself and his own needs and backed down whenever his W asserted herself or disagreed. He is full of resentment, anger and emotional revenge. I know you can relate to revenge. He needs to get a grip on it, but his comprehension of what kindness means (not placating, not a door mat) skipped right past to what did work effectively even on a small scale to give him a smidge of power.
Everyone abuses new found power. Women included. I think he can find the middle ground. If his W wasnt feeling some respect for him, she wouldnt be fighting with him, or ML. She doesnt want a D, she doesnt know what to do. When he shows her with some healthy behavior, she will ....s l o w l y follow.
You've recently explained how she CAN behave when you show her some morsel of kindness and respect. She listened, you two talked....you even had some closeness (to a degree)
I think this came about because Cobra was strong and assertive during the conflict, and then afterwards showed with his actions that he loved/cared for her nonetheless. Her amazement at his 'being nice' says too me, that she knew she was out of line in the fight on several levels too. Probably cause she was 'not nice' when she messed with his car and left it open.
but then pointing out what I did wrong in the process as well (giving a compliment, but at the same time taking it back)....
This is typically how men communicate. After the game everyone sits around and watches the video, and tears apart what they did wrong, even if they WON. Yeaaa we won. hooray for us. Now lets look at what could be done better next time.
Why is doing a good job such a big deal? Shouldnt that just be ...like.... expected? He could not give a compliment at all and just focus on what was 'lacking'.
