I have to admit, I'm having a tough time reading/responding to your posts. They sound so full of venom to me. I don't mean that as an attack towards you either, that is just truly how they come across to me when I read them....when talking about your W, or responding back to those of us females on here who give you our honest responses....I get this feeling of being dismissed by you or of "you don't know what you are talking about." Well...perhaps we don't know what we are talking about, because we can only go off of what you give us and our impressions, but don't dismiss so many women reacting in a similar manner....those are honest reactions you truly ought to pay attention to.
I feel that you just simply dismiss us and our opinions....and well, the way you DO come across to many of us on here....is very likely how you also come across at home, and the way you come across is arrogant and condescending. Kind of in a "how dare we question your approach" attitude. Well...we dare to question it, because you are here, you are an intelligent person....and YOU have asked for feedback.
I can understand you may not like the feedback you receive...but you make me (just one person on this BB) feel like..."why bother responding? He's only going to shoot me down anyway...or dismiss what I say, because he knows it all so much better than we do." Yet you are here anyway.
I feel you think you are justified in treating your W the way you are, with disrespect, anger, and disdain. Well, IMPO no one is justified in treating any human being in that manner, I don't care how the other person behaves. Your W is also not justified in her behavior towards you and your children (don't want you thinking I'm excusing her either.) You've recently explained how she CAN behave when you show her some morsel of kindness and respect. She listened, you two talked....you even had some closeness (to a degree). So why not nurture that kindness?
Honestly Cobra....just from your posts (and obviously I don't know the absolute reality of your home-life) I feel like you PUSH, PUSH, PUSH at your W. You find flaws with her, tell her how she needs to improve, and PUSH, PUSH, PUSH some more. I've got to tell you, I'm a pretty even tempered woman....and that behavior would make me snap too, I know with that constant pressure I'd loose my temper as well. Once again, just going off of your posts...but I can't help but feel your W constantly feels she's walking on egg shells around you, because in your eyes....she can't do anything right (she doesn't keep the house clean enough, she's not a good mom, she spends too much time at work.....). Not a fun way to live, for either of you. Could you try complimenting her? Could you try giving her some "Atta Girls" every now and then? They go a long way.
This past month my H has gotten into this routine of acknowledging something I did, but then pointing out what I did wrong in the process as well (giving a compliment, but at the same time taking it back)....THAT is really wearing on me. So, this past weekend while doing some painting outside....he approached me with some brushes and said "this is what they should look like when you're done." Now, he was just trying to joke with me, but I'd had enough...and well, I think I gave him a "go to hell" look (I'm sure you are familiar with those). He looked at me surprised and said "what?" I responded by saying, "you know....just once I'd like to hear "you did a great job babe!" without you pointing out what I did wrong." His response to that was "well you did do a great job!" and I explained..."it'd be nice to hear that once in awhile without you taking the compliment back by pointing out what I did wrong in the process." I honestly feel Cobra, you don't give her enough affirmations...I can't escape the feeling she's lacking that. I know when I start feeling picked on by my H in that manner...resentment/anger creep in and well, while I don't excuse/condone your W's behaviors I can see where some simple kindnesses from you definitely wouldn't hurt the situation....we all want to feel valued by the person we are with, I'm pretty sure neither of you feel valued at all. I feel though even as I write this that you will come up with an excuse/reason that this won't help. Plain and simple....kindness NEVER hurts.
Sometimes we don't feel like being kind, I understand that...but that's when you have to persevere and walk through that fire continuing to model a behavior....and force yourself to look for the good things in that other person. I just simply can't imagine that your W is always this horrible shrew (and that's how you portray her). She must have some redeeming qualities, somewhere.....yet you never mention anything at all good about her, isn't there ANYTHING you admire about her? Anything at all?
BTW...what I'm telling you doesn't mean you have to back down from your W at all. I understand not wanting to give up the ground that you gain. I just feel you need to try to change your attitude towards your W and add some kindness towards her...I feel that will get you further than your current approach. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat either, you can still stand up to her when she's out of line etc...you don't have to take her crap when she tries to dole it out. When she's being reasonable though, or not being completely unreasonable...try adding in kindness, try adding in some "Atta Girls" or "Great Jobs" or "I really like how you..." What could it hurt?
