Update Friday night was uneventful as W did not get from work until about 12:15 (I think). The kids and I were in bed by the time she got home. She has a new problem child in her class this semester and W found out Friday that they will have a meeting today to decide what to do with him. W says she needed to prepare various reports in preparation for this meeting.
Saturday started OK. The kids had lots of homework this weekend, so they both started off focusing on their work. As I usually do, I asked W what was on her agenda for the weekend, which was the usual need to catch up on her school work. I asked her if she would be able to finish cleaning up her stuff around the house this weekend, since she didn’t do so last weekend, and that I would be willing to help her out again. She asked me why I was being nice and I told her it was to help her but also help myself, to get a clean house since I did not believe she would be able to get things cleaned up this weekend either.
That led us into the discussion I had been waiting for. She was not angry so we were able to talk.
We started with the house cleaning issue, she saying that she has ADD and has a problem organizing in general, and the mess is allowable for this. She said she accomplished a lot from a few weeks ago, but I always look at the glass half empty. I told her I did not accept that, she should not impose her mess on the family using ADD as an excuse. I told her I have been more than patient with her, living with a messy house for over 1 year. I asked how long should I wait? 2 years? 5 years? I said other people would not tolerate even a few months in a house like this, that we live like white trash and only every now and then clean it up before it goes back to the way it was.
I conceded the she could need till the end to the semester to get a full cycle of materials prepared. She says she is working long hours to get established in her job. I said the problem with that is in spite of her words, I see all her action directed a working toward D. This gave me no confidence that she was trying to clean the house, but rather spend all her energy on her job to work toward D.
She mentioned her previous requests that I turn over joint ownership of the van and the down payment money for the house, but that I have not done so meant I was the one not cooperating. I told her that I would be more than willing to do those things and that I am willing to commit to them for the sake of the marriage, but she had to first state her intentions in wanting those assets. She did not make any commitment.
I said this is the typical example of her putting blame on me for my response, yet she does not want to acknowledge how she contributes to limiting the options for my response. I said this creates a self fulfilling prophecy since her approach, her lack of commitment, creates insecurity in me. She said this was because of the last 15 years, blah, blah, blah, and that again I see things as the glass half empty. Her focus was on me and how I was not a supportive H, that I was abusive, angry, etc.
I told her to let go of the past, that that was only a means for her to keep a wedge between us and that her doing so created the distance she complains about. I said I see the level of the glass in perspective of the environment she helps to create. I told her to own up to her part in creating those emotions in me, that she did nothing to give me security by ever acting like a loving supportive W.
She said she did in the beginning. I said that I remember her doing some of this the first year or so, but after that I never recall her doing so, that she was always focused on D. She said she does not want to be like her mother and become dependent and vulnerable on a man and wants to get to a state of independence in case of D. She said that her working is something I had always wanted. I agreed but said I wanted her working to help contribute to the stability and financial security of the family, not working to achieve D.
I said that her intentions to get a job have always been for the purpose of D and that was her full intention now. She said she did not directly planning D but was preparing for it just in case. She gave an example that the US is justified in arming itself against global terrorism and her protecting her self interests is also justified. I responded that may be true, but the rest of the world is getting very nervous and agitated with the US over current policy and before we embarked on this campaign, the rest of the world was at much greater ease with the US. This same analogy applies to how I feel toward her defense buildup.
I told her that men are very simple. All they want is to be admired and looked up to by their wives, to feel like the knight in shining armor. I asked her when in the recent past had she ever been a loving, caring, supportive wife, of had stopped to even think of me in this way. She stopped arguing and seemed to come to terms with her unsupportive attitude. She asked what I wanted her to do.
I told her I have been trying to explain to her my POV for a long time but she just hasn’t wanted to hear me. I told her to read Schlessinger to understand what she does to create an environment that makes me angry and insecure, that I felt the book did a good job in explaining the male POV. She agreed to do so and we ended on good terms.
The rest of the day I helped with her school stuff. Later in the day I asked for sex and she agreed. Late that night things finally settled down enough for us but she said she was tired, being late. I asked her to come in and help me MB, but when she came in and we had sex. It was only a quickie, but then she started watching TV and working on her laptop in the bedroom. I assumed she was just trying to do her part in spending a little more time together.
Sunday was busy too, both working around the house. I spent much of the day working in the yard so the kids could do their homework, going grocery shopping. When I got back she had started dinner. I finished and cleaned so she could work more on her lesson plans. She never got around to cleaning up her stuff in the bedroom, but did straighten a little in the living areas.
As for D13, she was calm and in a good mood all weekend. She seems to feel much better after having one of her blowups because I think she feels heard.
So in our usual dysfunctional pattern, we took another reluctant baby step forward. I believe this step was only possible because events came together to “force” a realization on the part of W. Had I left well enough alone over the past few months, I truly believe she would still not understand my POV of what her responsibility is in our current relationship and how she contributes to the fighting.
I know I should not engage in the name calling, but I do believe it is essential that I stand up to her to the point that she feels enough pressure to confront our issues. Also, she is the one who does the bulk of the cursing. Telling her not to curse goes no where. Actually cursing more that she does makes her understand how much I dislike hearing her curse.
If I do not push in this way, months pass by without any progress. It may seem logical that if no issues come up and we can get along peacefully then we should be able to get closer. But I have never experienced this to happen. In fact, it seems she usually starts to slack off on her responsibilities, slowing backing out of sex, focusing more on herself and the kids, going back to her old comfortable ways. She will also slowly start to push her boundaries to the point that she slowly encroaches in her imposition on myself and the kids.
My problem is that I am not the assertive one by nature, but she is and usually acts first, then thinks later. So the responsibility falls on my shoulders to keep nudging her back each times she encroaches. This is in direct opposition to how I was raised, which is a Japanese approach. I was taught people should focus on the feelings and impressions of others first and then yourself. My W seems to practice the idea that each person should protect his/her own boundaries and if no one says anything to you, any encroachment you may do, whether intentional or not, is their fault not yours. This has been a hard change in perspective for me to make, and it still is.
As for the lawyer, I have met twice with some very good family lawyers and have been told the same thing. Regardless of what I say here on this board, in court it would still be my word against hers. My chances of custody are still slim to none. At this point I am only concerned about S9 if it should come to D. The girls can decide where they want to live and the court will likely honor that. But all this is not where I am trying to go.
