Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move, Emily.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him. A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself. He needs someone to give him a chance.
Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance.
If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do.
I will understand.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
How do I show him those things without seeming pushy and without moving too fast for him.
I just don't know. I know that the biggest one is as Ali said: NOT BRINGING UP SCUMBAG OW! That's the hardest for me. . . . but I understand that me having doubts about them gives him doubts about them being over and us being back together.
HOW do I show him that it's time for US . . . I forgive the past . . . and I'm willing to move on. I just don't know how to pull it off and not seem like I am forcing something.
I've quit calling him a bunch of times a day. and I will NOT start back up again. I called him before I went to bed lastnight and said to his VM, "Remember when you went to bootcamp and I wrote you EVERYDAY . . . I just wanted to do the same thing today. Only I can't write so I just wanted you to know I love you and I was thinking of you today. Hope you are safe, I won't bug you again until I hear from you . . until then I love you. Bye." SOMETHING like that. He called me this morning . . . .
I keep screwing up and letting my suspiciousions sneak into our convos. . . so I think he tries not to talk to me too long. It breaks my heart. I just need to kick her out of my head again. It's only so hard again because I was in his truck and saw him clinging to her . . . he even had those "freak outs" because of her.
HOW DO I SHOW HIM THAT I DO LOVE HIM . . . He started almost crying when we were waiting at the bank and said, "Are you sure this is what you want?" I said of course it was. He replied, "It just seems like somewhere between December and here you gave up on me." It broke my heart and left me speechless. . . . I don't know how to PROVE to him . . . that I am still here standing waiting for him. Now I just have to figure out how to truly let go of it all . . and show him. HELP me to do that please!
Quote: just don't know. I know that the biggest one is as Ali said: NOT BRINGING UP SCUMBAG OW! That's the hardest for me. . . . but I understand that me having doubts about them gives him doubts about them being over and us being back together.
Emily,
It is very hard to push all of that to the back of your mind but you really need to try. If you want your marriage back then you need to forgive and move forward. You will never forget but try to hide it somewhere out of reach. My H didn't have OW but I kept accusing him of it and that is why we are not together today. I accused and hounded him so much he got tired of it. The more you say something about OW the more he will run to her. You must not mention her so he doesn't think of her. Each time you mention her, his mind goes to her.
You are a step up on most of us here. Your H is actually trying to come back. You need to work on your trust issues. Put a rubber band on your wrist and when you talk to him and you think you are going to mention her then snap it. The pain will be so bad you will stop thinking about her.
I keep screwing up and letting my suspiciousions sneak into our convos
Do not do this,,pretend she does not exist. I suggest also which I forgot to tell you yesterday. Go over my old threads and read what I was feeling , very similiar to you and see what others told me to do. i believe that will help alot also. And above all else do not mention her. Yes it is harder than h*ll but let your strength guide you and your heart too. Yes what he did was cruel, mean and he was being an A****le but you need to put all this { the hurt and things he did to you} in a box and put the lid on it and put that box under your bed...
he needs you, he needs you and your strength, your forgiveness, your love and compassion. If you want him to feel comfortable and not like running again you need to be there for him and let him grow.I keep reminding you , you need to be his safe place to land. Yes his comment on how you let him down is AMAZING, but like I have been thru too.
it was me, I felt who was hurt so badly by what " THEY" did to me!!
but ..... my H acts like the wounded one too and needs sooooo much from me too. Be that source of hope and strength and unconditional love. when you interact with him as JJ24 had advised me,, what about acting like if he was only your " BOYFRIEND" then your expectations are low. I did this and I also showed him love as his Wife. It helped it not hurt so much when I did not expect as much of him. Sure I got frustrated and I did backslide a couple of times, but when I did I did not raise my voice or dredge up every little mistake he ever made. { LIKE I USED TO IN THE PAST}
I looked at the time that he would talk to me or spend with me as a gift from God himself, cause afterall that was what I was praying for so hard. I would pray to God to restore my h and make him whole again to bless him and if he was to be with us his family great but I prayed for him to be Happy most of all. And yes it will seemed forced or fake. Do not expect him to act like evrything is normal,, it will take time. My h is just seeming to act really comfortable this past week ,,,, every week he would move forward a little. But I remind you, you need to soothe yourself and let him heal and grow.
I missed all the normalcy but held on in the hopes that one day he would be restored and better than ever. And now that Gift has come to me.... My H does these things now that he did not do in the past...
when he has a day off and is at home he will allow me { w/o getting angry}to spend time with my frineds for a bit like go to lunch, go shopping or get my hair done. In the past he was extremely controlling or got offended that on his day off someone invite me to spend time with them.
He helps with the kids more.
he is more open with me and does not keep his day or activities private anymore.
and many more little things. All in all I continue to be patient and allow him to be the Man he needs to be for himself and for me. Another example of how my letting him grow and being patient and loving has changed him... He recently came home and said " Honey sit down I want to talk to you { I was a little nervous he never says for me to sit down }
I do not want you to get angry but , I had told you before about going to see my Parents in Mexico,,,, I would like to go see them soon." I just smiled and said "..that is fine." never mentioned OW.. Total 180 for him and my reaction total 180 too.
A year ago he would have told me the day he was leaving or I would have to hear him tell someone over the phone he was doing this. And me not getting upset is a 180 not only because I have to trust him but also b/c he met Ow there and she is friends with his sister. {{ I will most definitely not bring her up and just pray and have faith in him that he does not see her while he is there} She lives in Texas so I hope she stays there and he respects me.. but ANYWAY. I HAD A LITTLE TIME THIS MORNING SO I THOUGHT I WOULD SAY HI TO YOU AND RAMBLE A BIT AGAIN. I will check on you later. xoxoxoxo Ali GOD bless...
Ali I couldn't even read your post. I will go back and do it.
She is trying to get back with him. She left him this big LONG blog comment saying how she will ALWAYS live for him and how she loves him . . . and she said stuff about not forgeting all the good times they had (like N.J.) and she hoped his life worked out the way he wants it too.
GOD I HATE HER . . . why can't see just leave it alone.
I know what NOT to do . . . . I will not mention it to him. He gave me all his passwords and asked me to keep his stuff up. So I'm just going to delete it and NEVER mention it! Maybe that's wrong . . . but what he doesn't know won't hurt us right?
Quote: hey its's Cassie Karen's betfriend i just thought i would tell you all that karen is right about men they do nothing but lie and cheat on you lets you Kevin Berdanier he is the man who said i make him happy and no one would he said he want to be with me for the rest of his life i was just some ass he got thats how i look at it no one but him is who makes me happy he will awlays be the man that i want to be with for ever he just want to be with Emily Berdanier his wife who could give to a [censored] if he is happy or not !!! the way i look at life is that you should be happy no matter what if you are not happy then dont be with that person yeah 4 years ago you married her but 9 months ago you told her you didnt want to be with her you told be that you loved me before i even told you how i felt rember that night Kevin not like you are going to read this i think its funny how it said you ware online last night when you ware with me the hole night holding me telling me how much you love me and want to be with me but then to day you bring me home and act like you never cared about me when i know that is a lie and if you didnt care about me you wouldnt have CRY as much as you did i know you love me and i know that me being here typing this is not what you want i should be with you holding your heart and standing by you the hole way thought every thing that you need to do in life Kevin dont ever for get me i know you will im sure you dont even rember who your Butterfly is do you I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I ALWAYS WILL WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME!!!
LOVE ALWAYS YOUR
BUTTERFLY
That's the blog . . . let me get the link She posted it Sept 11
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