Wife not attracted to me.

[toughlover]

Same story here. My wife (who is 31) was involved for 3 years with an OM (who is 61), and says she hasn't been attracted to me for years now...but she was once, back when we married.

In my case, I was very harsh and critical with her, and generally unloving. In addition, we mismanaged our finances, had a lot of debt and financial pressure for a while. I spent all my time sitting at a desk and gained a lot of weight.

However, for the past few years (while she was cheating on me and planning on leaving me and marrying OM) I worked my tail off to get us out of debt (which we now are). I've also lost 60 pounds, got into excellent shape again, and have been treating her very, very well. In general, I'm as attractive as I've ever been (at least as good as someone staring down the barrel of 40 years old can be).

My W acknowledges all this, says I look great, dress great, she thinks I'm handsome, I'm strong, gentle, sweet, and loving, and treat her like a husband should treat his wife. She says she's always been happy with my performance in the bedroom, that technically/physically I do all the right stuff. She respects me alot.

But feels mostly nothing at all in terms of attraction. Says I stomped out the feelings she had for me years ago by my harsh, critical treatment of her. Not abuse, I just found fault in everything she did and she finally just gave up on me/us.

Still, she is committed and wants us to have the best marriage we can. She will ML but doesn't really want to, is just willing to because "it's important to the healing process".

I don't have any advice for you, just sympathy/empathy. I'm in the same basic boat.

All I'm doing is trying to do my best in all areas of my life, with God's help, and just keep on keepin' on.

The problem is, I know for a fact that other women at work and whatnot find me attractive and are interested in me. So I know it's not me (at least not anymore); it's her.

But as long as I'm treating her right, I'm not responsible for how she feels. It hurts, I know, especially when you know there are others out there who might think you're the cat's meow.

It made me realize a little how she felt years ago and why she was so vulnerable to another person. So, I've been tempted to cheat, too...not just to get her back, but to fill that need to be desired by someone else. It's tough.

I finally realized that if I cheated, then

a) I wouldn't really be "worth it" to anyone anymore
b) self-respect would be gone
c) lose the ability to look my sons in the eye one day if they're in a tough spot and say, "You can be honorable; I resisted temptation, and you can too."

So it's a no-brainer for me. I remain faithful no matter how much it hurts.

In a way, I think I'm just reaping what I sowed years ago. I became an unlovable person, so I have a hard time blaming her for not feeling loving toward me. I can blame her for cheating, but not for losing her attraction for me.

I just do my best now and hope that one day those feelings will come back.