Soon to be divorced

[spikecharlie]

hi,
I'm a new one on here, but I've been reading everyone's post for a few months now.
Here's my story.
Been married only for 2 years, no kids.
I'm 27, husband is 30.
Husband dropped the bomb on me April 30th and filed July 10th.
Says "he was unhappy, I quit doing things with him, he isn't in love with me anymore, but I was an excellent wife, was loyal to him, loved him more than anyone could ever love him, but he didn't want to be married anymore."
He complained saying that I quit going to our lakehouse on the weekends, quit going to the condo in Florida with his family, quit riding horses with him, I wouldn't learn to ski, I wouldn't hunt and fish with him and I just wouldn't DO things with him. But he can't complain about me as a wife...I was a excellent wife! Worked full time, cooked every SINGLE night, kept the house clean, washed his clothes etc.
When I told him I didn't realize doing all those thins meant that much to him so I am willing to go all those places and do all those things with him he told me "too little too late".
I sent him to talk to our preacher 3 times and he went to two counseling sessions, but kept telling them "he had no desire to make the marriage work". When asked if he is seeing anyone else or if anyone is in the wings he continues to say no. He says we are just opposite people and I don't like doing the same things as he does.
There was no arguements leading up to this I had NO IDEA he was thinking about divorcing me.
He told me that night of April 30th that he was just unhappy and he didn't say divorce, but I freaked out and called my parents and they came to see us and talk with him and he refused so my parents got mad at him and cursed at him because they were mad he was doing this to thier little girl-throwing her away. He's told me "I thought about reconciling with you, but I can't since your parents did that to me." My parents even apologized. I think that is just a crutch he is using.
Well we've both obtained attorney's and I have one of the top 25 attorney's in the my state that never loses a case and he is asking for everything and my husband is getting mad now. He is telling me "If there is ever going to be chance for us in the future then you don't need to fight me like this. I feel we need to divorce now, but I'm not saying there is not going to be a chance for us down the road, but fighting me will make us enemy's." I don't know if he is saying this because he is trying to get me to back down on him and he is lying or he really would like to get back together.
Also on the sex: he quit having sex with me about 3 months before the bomb dropped and he said he wasn't psychially attracted to me anymore and when he had sex with me that it only felt phsycial and he pointed to his heart and said it didn't "feel right". I am 104 pounds, blond hair and there is nothing wrong with me so I don't know if he is gay or been sleeping with someone else.
But when I saw him a month ago to talk about things he was very physically attracted to me and kept wanting to touch me and comment on how pretty I was, but kept telling me he wanted a divorce. Weird.
So here I am 5 months later and still no court date and he has not changed his mind at all.
He did go see our cousnelor at our church and wanted me to come so we could have a "Christian Divorce". No such thing. This was to get me to do a non-contested divorce where he would give me $15, 000 and our divorce would be over in 30 days and I wouldn't fight him for anything.
So I don't know if he has found anybody else and he just keeps saying there isn't anybody or he really just didn't want to be married to me anymore. Can anybody help me out? I still love him and wish he would come back. But there are NO signs of him coming back. When will I stop wanting him back?? I know I have to let him go and I am trying. Thanks everybody!!!

[Laurie]

Dear Spike,
I replied to your entry in the "talk" thread. I will use your thread to reply more fully to you here, OK?

My first question: "Is there any way to slow this D down? There does seem to be some confusion on his part. If there were avenues to delay this process, that would give you more of a chance to understand what these double messages you are getting really mean. And if you could slow this down, how would he possibly react to your attempts to slow this down? What are your ideas on that?

Also, I asked you in the other thread how much contact and what type you will have with him these next few weeks - can you give me a sense of your present interactions?

I will come back to this thread and check on you!

[spikecharlie]

Well never calls me, but when I have called him he will call me back and talk a little, but then says I don't won't to talk anymore until mediation. The next time I will see him will be at mediation. Or I have some pictures that he wants and also he has our income tax check that he wants to cash and cannot cash until I go with him to the bank. So between the bank and the mediation there are no other ways to have contact. If he is seeing someone else how could he still want me? He mentioned to me on the phone the 3 weeks ago " If you fight me on everything in this divorce then there will be no chance for us in the future....we will be like enemy's" Then said "I'm not saying that I won't come up to Tn (where I maybe moving) and see you and try to work on something in the future". BUt I think he is just saying that to get me to back down on him in this divorce. What do you think?
Also do you think I should call him and let him know that I want to meet at the bank to cash the check and if I do that how do I react and what do I say when we won't be there together long? To me with him not calling me AT ALL and not backing down on this then he really wants the divorce. But then he tells me "I never wanted a divorce. Just a separation. But I got so mad at your parents when they got involved with us that I could never forgive them". He is stuck on not being able to forgive my parents and won't even consider reconciling now. I don't know how to convince him. What should I do? Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to care and work with me. This means SO MUCH to me!!

[Laurie]

Well never calls me, but when I have called him he will call me back and talk a little, but then says I don't won't to talk anymore until mediation. The next time I will see him will be at mediation.

When is your mediation?

Or I have some pictures that he wants and also he has our income tax check that he wants to cash and cannot cash until I go with him to the bank. So between the bank and the mediation there are no other ways to have contact.

Can the pictures and bank trip be held off for a while? How long? If you could have a week or two to do some LRT and really get a strong relationship plan in place before you see him, I think that would be helpful for you. You would have more of a sense of what you want to accomplish when you see him, OK?


If he is seeing someone else how could he still want me?
If he is strongly infatuated with someone right now, that offers pretty strong pull toward the OW. However, just because he may be really drawn to someone else right now, does not mean there is no hope for him wanting you back. Affairs can be like addictions, they are drawn to the “drug” of infatuation and it looks really great for a while, but then reality sets in down the road and they regret their choice and want the marriage they gave up on. Read Michele’s DR book – she say’s 60% of people choosing affairs regret their decision and wishes they would have worked harder on the marriage they left!!

He mentioned to me on the phone the 3 weeks ago " If you fight me on everything in this divorce then there will be no chance for us in the future....we will be like enemy's" Then said "I'm not saying that I won't come up to Tn (where I maybe moving) and see you and try to work on something in the future". BUt I think he is just saying that to get me to back down on him in this divorce. What do you think?
I don’t know exactly WHY he is saying that. I would encourage you to think about WHAT TO DO. (As you know, it is hard to mind-read, so let’s put energy into what you CAN do, OK?) Focus on your short-term, realistic goals right now. I know they may have to be small ones for now (i.e., the mediation talk was at least neutral, he actually called me once about some D issue, he was curious about why I have not called him, we actually smiled at each other, etc., ) , but please set some goals up that you can focus on.


Also do you think I should call him and let him know that I want to meet at the bank to cash the check and if I do that how do I react and what do I say when we won't be there together long?

Let me know how long you can put off the bank visit.

To me with him not calling me AT ALL and not backing down on this then he really wants the divorce. But then he tells me "I never wanted a divorce. Just a separation. But I got so mad at your parents when they got involved with us that I could never forgive them". He is stuck on not being able to forgive my parents and won't even consider reconciling now. I don't know how to convince him. What should I do? Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to care and work with me. This means SO MUCH to me!!

I would encourage you to “let go” of apologizing for the parents. They apologized and you did – he has heard you. You have done all you can in this area. I would not discuss reconciling with him at this point, as it sounds like you have tried to convince him and it is not getting you anywhere, OK?

OK, these are your beginning steps Spike! Get back to me and we’ll take the next steps, OK? Divorce Remedy and the BB will offer you great ideas and support as well, so use them a LOT!

And you are so welcome, as I will support and cheer you on as you move forward in your relationship as you are pursuing an extremely important goal!

[spikecharlie]

Your help is so greatly appreciated!! I can hold off on the bank for a long time. He wanted me to give him the pictures in exchange for the money from the check and I told him I wasn't going to trade something out to get my money. I told him that was unfair that I should have to do that so he said "fine, we will let the judge decide". So I haven't told him that we can meet at the bank yet b/c of that.
I have NO IDEA when mediation is. My attorney is stalling I think b/c he knows I don't won't this divorce. My attorney also had to wait until he got all of my H's accounts, bank statements, etc. so I'm just waiting on him to call me about mediation and dates.
Mediation will be the first time we will have seen eachother in 2 months. That is going to be a rough day I know.
But I am contining to not call, email, or have any interaction with him until that day.
H told me 3 weeks ago "I am ready to get this divorce over and done with so I can move on with my life."
Nothing has happened right now with this divorce...I believe I will be hearing soemething from my attorney this week and then things will start moving.
But I will hold off on the bank and anything else. I will set small goals and see where we go from there.
H is very stubborn and does not like anyone changing his mind about anything.

[Laurie]

Dear Spike,

Glad to know there is no rush on the bank or picture meeting as of yet.

That gives us time to develop your goals. When you get your goals set, please let me know what they are, so we can discuss how you can best move toward making those goals happen! I will check back Spike.



Also, I hope you don't mind, but if I can put a call out on your thread for someone who I think is looking for me
Can my firefighter friend please connect and tell me where your thread is? (Thanks Spike!)

[spikecharlie]

ok I'm not quite sure if I'm doing the right goals here, but here they are:
1)Continue to stop pursuing him and stop wanting to send him letters, Cd's.
2) Stop wanting to call him and talk about saving marriage or anything.
3) When I do see him be friendly, smile, laugh and look happy.
4) Try to establish a friendship with him and when I do talk with him stop bringing up "why" and "how can you do this to me" speeches.
5) When I see him at mediation say hello to him and smile and act nice and look him in the eye.

That's all I know what to do right now. What else? We never have contact.
Also what do you recommend me wearing to mediation? Something to impress him?

[Laurie]

Those are great behaviors to put into place! You have definately thought out how to back off - that's great! Now, if your behavior changes really start "working", what small, good responses/reactions would be you seeing from your h? For example, would he be less defensive, maybe smile, give eye contact, speak more politely, etc??? To help you out, think about how he used to warm back up to you after some kind of conflict in the past.

Btw, how long has it been since you have stopped all contact with him?

[spikecharlie]

Well we haven't seen eachother in 2 months and the last time I called him was about 4 weeks ago and we talked for about 2 hours. Some with him blaming me for everything and then telling me to not fight me in this divorce and to stop trying to take everything from him to "we can always remarry" stuff. Which I think is crap. ha.
So after that conversation I left it alone. I thought i would try one more time to see where we were at and he says "I want a divorce". So just waiting on mediation date. That will be the only time I will see him. Ofcourse neither one of us will be in a good mood that day when I'm trying to "take all his stuff". He will not like me that day at all. But I guess I can try and keep a smiling face through it all. Is it good that I'm remaining completely dark?

[DavidM]

to "we can always remarry" stuff. Which I think is crap. ha.

THIS is the BIGGEST pile of doggy doo I have ever heard. And yes, I too heard this or some variation of it throughout the separation. What a crock. I think they feel they are doing us a favor in that if they hold out that little bit of hope then we won't think so badly of them. BS I say. You quit, go away.