I need some advice on how to handle this one specific problem because I have NO idea how to respond when he says it...
It is about my XH's lack of confidence or his percieved lack of confidence. (We are attempting to work our problems out and get back together.)
My XH is in a profession in which 98% of the time, he has supreme confidence in himself. But when it comes to dealing with the 'upper management' and being recongnized for his accomplishments and possibly being promoted he has ALWAYS (20+ years) lacked confidence. No matter how I would try to build him up; he didn't believe it until someone else would tell him the same thing. Actually, I don't know if it was a 'belief' issue as much as a... 'uh-huh, sure, you HAVE to say that; you're my W' kind of attitude. Another note is that when his father died about 5 years ago his confidence problem and especially decision making ability has completely deterorated. (I know; he NEEDS counciling like noone I've ever seen; but he won't go!) So the problem is, now that we have been going through our issues the almost 2 years, he BLAMES ME!
He actually tells me that he doesn't have confidence in himself anymore because of ME!
And let me clarify; I have NEVER put him down, disparaged his ability to perform at work, at home or in the bedroom. I know I have not always gushed with praise and compliments but I have never been negative or nagging. And now because I went through a mini-crisis of my own (a year and a half ago) I am suddenly to blame for his lack of self-confidence.
Maybe I'm being selfish or blind, but I do not want to take ownership of his lack of self-confidence. I mean, i don't blame him for my lack of self-esteem. I know that can only come from me.
So... okay... all of you let me have it...
When he said it to me this morning I was stumped on how to respond... as I am everytime he says it.
Should I take the blame? If not... HOW do I repond to this?
I know that my XH does have a very selective memory; but come on...
First off...that's total BS in my opinion...but when he told you that his lack of confidence was all your fault....did you ask him why? I mean, if he's going to place ALL of the blame for that at your feet, you have the right to know where you went wrong, right?
I'm betting he won't be able to tell you why it's all your fault either, because it's not. His issues lay smack-dab within HIM, not you.
My H is someone who has self-esteem issues, that greatly stemm from his past....so he would treat me as he "assumed" I would behave, based on his prior examples of women in his R's. I've learned with him to call him out on his BS behavior. So, if my H were to pull that on me I'd be likely (now) to say to him. "If you really believe your self-confidence issues are my doing, tell me what I did wrong, how I damaged your self-esteem. I need to know so "I" can correct that behavior. If you cannot give me examples, I cannot correct that behavior....and help you at the same time."
Since he has self-esteem issues statements like this #1 don't point fingers at him saying "it's not my fault, it's all you!" (even if it's true), and #2 it shows him that you are willing to own up to whatever behavior you may have that may have been damaging in your R (even though this most likely has nothing to do with you.)
In a way...I guess you could say this is calling his bluff...however it's done in a quiet way. It makes it reall hard for him to continue to blame you for things...when you are obviously willing to do whatever you need to to fix your own behaviors....it kind of makes it glaringly apparent that he's not owning his own stuff when he can't come up with answers to a very simple question.
"Of course this is my faut... duh, you just figuring THAT out? I'm also responsible for the Bear Stock Market, the war in Iraq, rising fuel prices, and I single handily put George Bush in the presidential seat. Monica Lewinski was MY idea so I could irreperibly damage one of the most brilliant presidency's in U.S. history... **I** personally punched the hole in the ozone layer, the greenhouse effect was a scheme of mine born of some really great pot smoking haze... **I** bribed Katrina to land in New Orleans... and just so you know, California WILL be falling off the map within five years, but I won't say when 'cuz I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Ruin your confidence? Of COURSE... because when I'm not spreading doom, dispare and destruction in other corners of the world, you are the only one left for me to pick on, and if we don't repair our marriage and get back together, I'm going to be really flippin' bored. I have NOTHING ELSE to do with my time, other than to RUIN YOURS while you walk this planet. K? We clear? Good. Got that one settled.
What would like for dinner? A little cianide or ring worm?"
Well... that's what I'd say.
If you like it, you can print this one and memorize it. But work on the delivery... it comes across much better if delivered fluidly and with just a hint of mirth and a deadpan look on the face.
The INSTANT you give such an absurd notion any serious consideration AT ALL, is the moment you give away YOUR power to him.
So... the way I look at this is... the question is not WHY is he blaming you and should you take the blame, but WHY are you considering running with this football, and what are YOU getting out of it if/when you do?
I'm getting from you that this is not the first time something like this has happened... so... what were you/are you getting out of it?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Yep, Lou. Nice, Corri. A good list of things to accept the blame for, for sure.
And, WhatisLife: my W blames me for lots of things, too. It's amazing how she can twist things around to make something my fault. I am somewhat of a "blame sponge" because, to me, it's easier to accept the blame, and apologize for it, then to go through the painful exercise of her endless monologues of how something is my fault, and how I never apologize in a timely manner. So my quick "ownership" and "apology" are sometimes just a way I see of getting past all the crap that's going to be dumped on me anyway. I know, BF, pretty beta.
Still, WIL, I'd tell him something similar to what Corri said, or just tell him you think he's full of sh!t, and the reason he lacks confidence is because of the microscopic size of his testicles. Oh wait, you're trying to get back together. You're trying to get back together? WTF?
Well, I'm sure you have your reasons, just as I have my reasons for staying with my W. But sheesh, maybe you just look at him and say, "If it helps your self esteem to think that your lack of confidence is my fault, go ahead and do that. Just keep it to yourself. Oh, and go seek counseling." Personally, I'd make it a deal-breaker on getting back together that he get counseling. But that's just me.
Hmmm... Okay... I KNOW that it's total BS. And of course when we were doing good... it wasn't my fault then... now I'm the whipping post; all because I screwed up... almost TWO years ago...
Quote: did you ask him why? I mean, if he's going to place ALL of the blame for that at your feet, you have the right to know where you went wrong, right?
I have asked... the first time he said it; he doesn't have a problem coming up with an answer to that. It's because while I was going through my own personal hell of a MLC I went on internet chat. It started out innocent but... well. Okay. I didn't meet anyone, or plan to run away with anyone and I'm still a bit confused and embarrassed about why I did it. My C says that it was an escape for me (our D/25 and S/22& his W had all moved in with us. I was forced out into the professional world after a 6 year absence and I was getting ALOT of pressure from my H about all kinds of issues... blah... blah... blah) Anyway; so yeah... I believe my C because when I was on the internet I was in my own little world. But to him... my disconnect, etc... is the reason. whatever.
It was kind of wierd; but one day I just seemed to emerge from the fog... and yeah; I had contributed to the damage of our R. Since then I have owned up and down and sideways. I have done backflips, trapize and highwire feats to prove I'm sorry. Hasn't mattered.
I guess; to my surprise... he is not a forgiving person. All along this two year ordeal we would be making progress -- reconnecting -- when he would suddenly pull back... and dredge it all up again. I do know that there WAS another woman (at work) 'advising' him. And I'm pretty sure it is because of her urging (because of something that he said about figuring out finally that he wasn't getting good advise and discovering that some people have ulterior motives)that we are D'd.
So... there is nothing that I can correct. It all has to do with the past; a past he can't put behind him. And when he tells me it's my fault (can't figure out who's fault it was BEFORE I screwed up) I guess I'm stumped. I do know I messed up and I think that he really believes now that his self-esteem problem is MY fault!!
You can't make someone forgive you. And sometimes I just really wonder why I keep hanging in there. But I would like someone to help me come up with something non-threatening and logical to tell him when he says this!!!
Hey Corri, Ah... sarcasm... (verrrry funny btw) such an effective tool and one I have been known to use on many an occasion. As for 'running with this football' I'm not. I guess I'm just hoping for a miracle response (besides sarcasm) that will make him 'think'!
HD... Yeah. Sometimes he likes to blame me for absolutely EVERYTHING wrong in his life... and I mean he goes all the way back 26 years to when we met!! I've responded to these attacks several ways. Sarcastic agreement. Calling his BS. And silence. It goes away... then comes back.
As for my reasons on trying to get back together... well.. I love him -- even if he is an idiot -- We have 26 great years together; been through ALOT together, and I can't (call me stubborn) bring myself to throw in the towel! Cuz even now D'd and everything (when he doesn't go into moron mode) we have a great time together. We connect.
BTW... we did the counciling thing. He is typical macho male... 'my problems aren't that bad' and as yet; I'm not into ultimatums -- right now I'm listening to my heart; following an inner instinct.
It's just not coming up with a reponse to that self-esteem accusation!!!
I may have missed it, but does your XH mention an ongoing rejection of him, sexually, on your part as part of his lack of confidence? Or does sex have nothing to do with this?
W, just from the outside, "loving him" doesn't seem like a very good reason to stick around for this kind of-- well, abuse. Does HE want to get back together? Then let him fight for you.
Time to bring out this tried and true David Deida quote:
Quote: How can I leave him when I still love him?
What you feel and what you should do aren’t necessarily the same; it is possible to love a man totally yet walk away from him. If the relationship is not appropriate, you can remain in love and still bring a relationship to an end. Your love, your heart, and your connection to God can be full and true, even while you are acting in this difficult circumstance.
Your head is your center of thinking, your heart is your center of emotional feeling, and your belly is your center of action. Your belly, just below your navel, is the place from which your action springs, your center of gravity. In Japanese culture it is called the Hara, and in Chinese the T’an-Tien. By relaxing into your navel area you learn to center yourself in dance and martial arts. This navel area is your center of power—the power to do.
Your heart may be flowing with feeling for a man, but your navel doesn’t have to follow that flow. You are free to act decisively and choose to leave a man even though you have strong feelings for him. You don’t have to shut down your feelings in order to turn your navel and move in another direction. It’s okay to love a man yet decide not to be in intimate relationship with him. It’s okay to turn from a man that you love and open yourself in love with someone else who will be a better partner for you.
Women are usually more moved by their feeling center than their action center, so it is difficult for them to walk away from a man they love. Most men are the opposite. They listen to their feelings very little. They are usually more involved with doing and thinking than with emotions. It is usually easier for men to walk away form a relationship.
As a woman, your balance is to remain in your feeling but act in accordance with your highest good, your deepest wisdom. Listen to your close circle of trusted friends. They usually can reflect what is best for you. Feel deep in your heart. Ask your highest self for guidance. Even though you love a man, it may be best to actively turn away from him, even as you continue to feel love for him.
How long should I wait for him to change?
This is a key to deciding whether a man is right for you. As he is right now, can you fully trust him? Or do you think that you could change him to a man you could trust? As soon as you find yourself thinking that you could change him, you are in trouble.
If a man is not already living a life that you would wed to yours, then do not commit in relationship, hoping he will change. It is fine to desire change and growth in a relationship, but you must trust him, as he is right now, in order to provide a foundation for growth in relationship and a basis for the practice of love. If you do not trust him as he is now, you don’t really have an intimate relationship.
So choose a man you can trust. Serve him in his growth so you can continue trusting him. But if you really don’t trust him as he is, then he will feel it. If you are waiting for him to change before you can trust him, you are locking yourself into a no-win situation.
Trust is the starting point of the practice of intimacy, not something to hope for in the future. In any case, if you find yourself staying in a relationship because you think your man might change, you are making a mistake.
Is it possible for partners to grow in different directions?
The one masculine trait that transcends a man’s purpose is his connection to truth. If your man’s connection to truth remains strong, his purpose might change as he aligns himself more and more with truth. For instance, for five years he may be totally dedicated to a business, then give it up and move into a monastery. Although this might look like a completely different purpose, this may be the closest way—for the present time—for him to live his truth.
If you ever wonder about your man’s new direction in life, ask yourself: Do you feel in your heart that his new direction is more aligned with truth or farther from truth?
Even if his new direction is aligned with his truth, is it aligned with your truth? You might not want to change in the same way that he is changing. How do you bridge that gap? Honestly, come into touch with what your truth is, what your heart truly wants.
Temporarily separate yourself from him to discover your own desire. Naturally as a woman who lives her man, you will be moved to embrace him. However, you may have a conflict between where he is going and where you want to go.
While you are apart from him, feel in your heart in whatever way works for you. It may be through talking with other women, through ritual, silence, or spending time in nature. Discover what is the fullest expression of your heart. What would satisfy your heart the most?
If his truth has carried him in a direction compatible with what would satisfy and fulfill your heart, then your relationship remains viable.
It sometimes happens that two people continue growing and their relationship changes. This is not necessarily negative. In their growth, one person’s truth may lead their daily life in one direction and another person’s in another direction. Sometimes these different directions are temporary and sometimes they last a lifetime.
