As much as I want to believe that my W's state of mind is not what she thinks it is, she's pretty convinced. Every once in a while her saying "I was very confused about all this in the begining, but now I'm very clear" keeps popping up into my mind. I guess I'm afraid that I'm not really a good choice of mates for her, and I can never become that. I also know that as long as you see things as simple or clear, you are fooling yourself because you're only fixating on the benefit or cost.
That's the difference that I've found with W and I. We were having this conversation and she started telling me about how I am justifying my thinking and creating my own world - but I was able to honestly agree with her. I am more interested in finding truth than protecting the worldview I have now. I don't want to be adversaries with my W, and I certainly don't want to view her as being the bad one - but it's a difficult thing to let go of that. I am going to tell her to sleep in our bed tonight and I'll sleep downstairs because I think, at least to me - but probably also to her, that this is a very strong symbol of her "wrongdoing", and I don't want this to be an issue. I don't want her to feel a criminal - this creates resentment and prevents her feeling guilt. I just can't help seeing another side to this, and that's that I'm enabling her and actually rewarding her for her decisions. I'm giving up the old marriage that I seem to have been clinging to - and this is a good thing.
Thoughts?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, they are always "very clear"! No doubts in her mind cuz if there were she could never do the insane thing she is doing. You begin to doubt yourself when the S is so darn sure she's doing the right thing. It's kind of like when someone tells the most outrageous lie but vehemently sticks to it, people start to think maybe, just maybe it's true cuz nobody would stick to such a crazy story unless it was true. Same kind of sitch here. You know the "Maybe they are right and we are totally wrong for each other" stuff starts creeping in. I say let it go with the wind.
No, I'm not really being won over to the dark side here Whatis, I'm really starting to get a realistic picture of where things went wrong from her perspective. I think there is a profound danger in allowing one's perspective to be or become rigid. We then find the need for justification to protect the worldview we constructed and it in fact becomes an obstacle to real truth. This is not so much self doubt as honest reflection combined with the knowledge that I don't know everything, including what the answer is.
In a very abstract sense a problem instrinsically contains an answer. Where this answer comes from is determined by a lot of factors. The problem in my marriage contains answers, and my W found something she thinks is the answer - something that can't be because this answer is driven by the wrong factors and complicated by the realities of important relationships in her life. The real answer is contained in this situation and by stripping away the need to protect the ego's constructs and the self preserving egoistical constructs themselves, I think I'll get closer to the actual answers than if I continue to proclaim my self constructed worldview right and hers wrong. She's doing that to me and it's painfully clear how much she has at stake in doing so. She needs to preserve these constructs almost at all costs. This is why she is so sure, why they all are. This is the only way the fantasy can be maintained and continue to serve its function.
Speaking of function, it's a bit disturbing recently that my W has seemed to come out of her fog and is engaging in her life now in a way that I haven't seen for some time. It seems that she's managing to be at peace with these pulls in her life. I wonder if her depression is really being self medicated right now or if she really has made lasting, significant progress. I guess we'll only know if something happens with OM. Not sure what to expect regarding that.
I realized today that I have to stop resisting. I have been resisting things without even realizing it, and as such have been making them worse. I'm not sure whether I'm way past the point of no return, whether there was any hope to begin with or if nothing is going to change the outcome of this situation and everything is unfolding as it should, as it must. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but I do have an underlying sense of guilt. I'm not sure why or really where it comes from, but it's there. I don't know if it's in regard to this M or my life in general, but there's something there.
Truth is out there, and it's what I'm after. It's more important to me than proving myself right or my wife proving herself right. This is not about that for me. I know there are values involved, but to me fighting to support these values is less important than existing lovingly with the woman I love. I know I can do so if I don't resist her - I have to give up the fight, but not give up hope. There's a long road we have to travel together, one that we can enjoy each other's company on or fight and be enemies down. Which one is more likely to inspire us to stop and appreciate the flowers together? To appreciate life; to appreciate being together? That's what I choose, above all else, whether it leads to an amicable divorce and an uncertain future or a rich, loving, wonderful marriage. I need to lay the foundation for a relationship that will be worthwhile for the next 50 years. Not something I want to do through fighting, invalidating and mutual misery.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
