Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

Whatis, that's an important concept to live - and I've been avoiding the victim mentality at all costs. I'm here because I choose to be, so nothing is being done to me.

I have a sense of peace about my life. I know there's a lot of good stuff coming my way, and I'm doing a lot for myself and my family. I'm thankful for what I have, what I've had the opportunity to experience, and for being alive. I'm in a positive place mentally, I just hope that in preserving my mental health I'm not ignoring things in my sitch that I can do to make things better. I don't want to be in denial just to get through the day. Fine line there, I think.

Things were smoother yesterday. W talked to me like she wanted to see me, and I made sure I didn't make any bids for her emotional energy. I think one of my biggest failures in our relationship is that I didn't meet her emotional needs. I almost didn't address them. I'm still trying to understand where I went wrong, because I have plenty of memories of validating her feelings about things, but I guess I never really did enough on a day to day basis. She told me the other day that she thought I don't love her. I guess I haven't properly communicated my feelings, I haven't found her love language. I haven't put myself out there enough. I don't know if I'll have the chance, because I can't very well run out and start buying her gifts and stuff now, can I? I'm so aware of this power struggle, where she wants to control, and control with her feelings, but she also wants to be led. So I need to figure out how to lead and pre-empt her desires and meet her needs this way. I do a lot more than I have, but if it's responsive, then it doesn't satisfy her need to be led. I feel like I bang my head against the wall trying to figure this out, I read books (5LL) and come away with no more direction than I came in with. I think I'm creating a wall to prevent me from doing this right, I'm sabotaging myself here.