Actually, I think I need to stop doing so much complimenting and more validating. This afternoon I talked with her at lunch and really validated her feelings about this business venture. She needed someone to support her feelings about how to procede, and I did so - sincerely - and I also made it very clear that I wanted to contribute to this in any way I can. She is so convinced that I don't support her in anything, that all I give her are words, so this is the chance to prove that I do support her. The trouble really is that I can only do what she asks - it's her venture, her responsibility. It's uncharted territory for her, and I'm really excited that she's doing this.
She needs to truly feel that I have stopped wanting more from our relationship. So compliments should be kept at a minimum, right? Flattery means pursuit, in some way, even though she's really enjoying all the ego stroking she's getting from both sides. I think my hoping or maintaining the position, at least in her mind, of not giving up on the marriage has made her defensive. I made it clear that I know our marriage is over and that it didn't work, I just want something different in our new relationship than she does. This has helped her ease up a bit.
In the past we often talked about not being enemies, but it always seemed to degenerate into this sort of grudge match. She does get upset and act out when she doesn't get what she wants, so when I don't act in accord with her expectations she gets resentful and angry and I become her enemy. I don't really know how to get to the root of all of this, but I guess awareness and communication is essential. When I notice her being resentful, I'll ask why. I'll see if there's anything I can do to address it and move on. I won't assume anything, and I will do my best to prevent it from festering.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
