So I have a better idea of what my W was reacting to yesterday afternoon. On Sunday we had a talk about separation and moving in that direction. In it I told her that I accepted that she wanted this and I was going to give it to her, that I don't want to keep her against her will, but I'm not going to initiate something I don't want. We agreed again that she has some goals to accomplish before we move in that direction. In response to my saying that I don't want to keep her prisoner, she said that she can't leave if she wants to because she can't get a divorce because she doesn't have any legal grounds. I asked her what difference a divorce is going to make if I'm making her miserable now? If she's so miserable she can leave divorce or none. Anyway, she asked if I wwould be her friend and if we could find a way to get along while we were still living together. I told her that was what I wanted. So, I wrote something in my journal about how I wwould be friends with her now but I don't want to be her friend in the future, but rather her husband. She read my journal and this set her off. She didn't tell me this time, but I could tell it had been moved.
Anyway, we connected last night and I showed her that I do understand better than she thought where she is. We had a good talk and she agreed that we would work on creating a new relationship as friends now, because the old one as a married couple didn't work, and if it progressed into being lovers, then so be it. I felt a lot of love from her, and I told her I loved her. I asked her if she feels that way about me, even if it's not in love, and she said she hasn't thought about it in a while because she's been so focused on hating me, but yes, she does. She told me that she's been trying to convince me to stop hoping things will work out and even asked me what she can do to do so. I told her that my hope has nothing to do with her, and that I will continue to hope and to love her no matter what she does. She asked if I would do so even after we signed D papers. I told her I wasn't sure. I told her that even though I don't give up hope I accept that she doesn't want to be here and I have to let her go.
In the end, I got a picture of her vision of the future. It's a continuation of our life together, just not "being" together. She wants to stay in the same house, do family stuff together, holidays, parenting. Be good friends. This does sound kind of typical when I read other people's posts. It's like she doesn't want to lose what we have, but wants what's missing. I just don't think she sees the possibility that I do for creating what's missing. She said to me "I just don't understand how you can think we can create those in love feelings again, just because you've read a lot of things in books."
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
