Yeah, I think this is about all I have left to do. I thought I was doing it all already, and to some extent I was, but my emotional state today tells me I wasn't. I even at one point got to the point where I saw no way out - where I didn't want to go on at all.
I was thinking about how W said that she thinks I don't tell her what I really think about things. She thinks I'm a lier and that I have an agenda. So what do I do? I can't tell her everything that's on my mind, and yes, I do try to validate her and understand where she's coming from, but I also know that no matter what I say it's going to be used to fuel her resentment and hatred of me, so hold it in. I have to think before I speak. So this is lying? What should I say? Honey, I think you're becoming this mean, selfish person, and you're twisting reality to be what you want it to be (wait a second, that's what she told me today!) and I'm losing my respect for you because you're totally opposed to do what's best for our son because you don't want to miss out on this totally inappropriate relationship you're having with my cousin, whose family will never accept you, and your family will never accept him, because the nature of your relationship is wrong. It's a dead end, and even if you think our marrige is over and a dead end, doesn't our marriage deserve an honest look together far more than your adulterous relationship? I feel bitter and spiteful and beaten. I'm tired of feeling like this about the situation, and when I decide I'm not going to feel like this, I'm in denial. I know what's going on. I know my W doesn't want to give it a try. I know she's committed to ending things, yet it's not what I want. I need to keep fighting, but at this point, I'm not sure where to take it. I don't want to become the fight, totally absorbed in it, but I don't want to walk away either - beaten or otherwise. I haven't given it my all, but I don't know where else to go.
I can't change enough to matter. I'm too entrenched in my values. I know if we worked together at it, we could compromise and cover a lot of ground. Sadly, I'm not worthy of a real try. I'm bad enough a person that she's willing to destroy my precious son's family over. She's willing to do him damage because of this. I know on some level the fact that she can't work through our issues is her issue and the things that she pins on me are not mine, but on another level, her reality is real and I am the bad guy she's making me out to be. I know I can't take it all on myself, but I'm done protecting myself. My self esteem can be built back up, but exploring the darkest corners of my character is more important. I just don't understand how I can feel like I've been working at myself and growing and learning and then turn around now and find I've done nothing.
Damnit, I'm determined to succeed at improving myself, and I sure as hell don't want to lose the input of the woman I have loved and been close to for 5 years. I can't help thinking that more and more I'm the person that Michele keeps warning not to be. I'm the one always saying that I've got hope, that I think things can work. I'm asking for another try in a round about way. If I don't, then I'm really lying. If I said I was done and started to really turn away, then I wouldn't be being true to myself and my committment. But it's the only way. A true paradox. She's got to see that she's convinced of something that's not true. She's got to see the value in me that she's throwing away. I guess on some level I'm afraid that there isn't any, and she won't miss a thing. It doesn't really matter anyway.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
