Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

Well, I just had a long in depth conversation with my W. It's really difficult because she's telling me that I'm blaming her and ignoring her feelings and opinions, and I can see where she's coming from. Again, I feel like I'm in a real bind here. She's telling me that I blame all her desire to leave on the A and I'm ignoring all the real relationship issues. I told her that I really want to explore whatever issues we have in counseling, and I've always wanted to, but she keeps pointing out things that I did or do that show her that I don't care about her feelings. Her seeing me as being in denial comes from my not viewing our relationship as being unfixable. She thinks I should view it all the way she does, and thinks that I'm justifying all of my actions and perspectives with the A. To some degree she might be right, but I think there's a good deal of projection going on. She's extremely angry and tells me that she's hating me. I'm the bad guy. I'm making it difficult for her.

She kept talking about how I have made her miserable for the past 5 years and that it's not the best thing for our son for us to be together because she's going to continue to be miserable. She keeps telling me that I'm not only responsible for her misery but I'm neglectful because I never supported her. She truly thinks I don't care. At least not the way she wants me to.

I'm so sick of this all. I wish there was a way to make it all go away. I wish there was something more I could do. Everything I do and say comes back at me. She thinks I'm talking trash about her at every turn. She thinks I have an agenda. I feel horrible that she's been miserable, and I told her that I want to have any part in helping her out of this that she'd like me to. But she blames me for it. Get rid of me and the misery will go too. I can see where she gets it from, what she uses to reinforce this idea, and I wish I could change things, but it's too late. She blames me for not asking the questions (which I did, but she never wants to talk) - to her this says I don't care. I'm back at emotional level 0. Thinking level 0. I'm taking on more than I deserve. I want to be the strong one, the reason my son has a great family, an intact family. I want to be a great husband to my wife. I want to meet her needs and support her in a way I've never done before. I guess I just need to face the fact that I've failed at this DB stuff. I tried and that's what counts, but I failed. I need to move on, forget about this dream of making things work, of my determination to do the right thing meaning anything. I've learned a lot through this process, but clearly not enough to do what it takes, not the right things. I'm a better person for it, but only marginally. I haven't put into action my convictions. I have allowed my anger and resentment to be present in my actions even though I did my best to let go. It got to the point where I didn't even feel like it was present, but it was there. I was protecting myself first, looking for the good of my W and after her feelings second. This did me in - it didn't allow me to empathize enough. I explained away her issues without actually taking responsibility in a way that allowed me to act on it. I guess in the end there's nothing I could have done if she was realizing all of this. I guess I can just move on. Get out of her way.

She thinks I'm going to screw her anyway that I can. She thinks I'm out for revenge, that I'm going to make things difficult for her. Is this some manipulative effort to get her way? Or is she right? Oh, if only there was an easy way out. If only I had a source of strength and security that gave me a clear vision of what the best outcome is. I am clearly too attached to my goal. I guess I have to accept that I've lost and give up my love, my vision. I haven't been able to do so yet, and I don't know if I'll ever do so. I can accept I've lost my wife and my family, I just can't give up the fight. I can't give up my hope, my positive outlook. I love this woman from the bottom of my heart - I just can't believe that I've done so much to wrong her. I've been a monster, neglecting her - never being abusive or bad - but I've made her feel bad about herself. I know this has a lot to do with her self image, but I should have known better, I should have done more. I guess I will never make the mistake to take for granted another person the way I did here. I don't have what she needs and I never will. I could have if I had realized earlier, before she fell in love with someone else, but not now. She's not open to it. Maybe she will get there, but for now she's not.

Thanks for all your input guys. I just have a real sense of finality to this talk. Something inside me has really died. I don't know what it is, or where I'm going now. I just know that I've got a big climb ahead of me. My W has told me that I've been constructing a world around me to support my POV, and I think she's right. She's doing it too, but I'm interested in truth and self growth, so I have to do a lot of exploration to figure it out. I know my M is over. I know there were a lot of flaws in it. I know we could have made it work, or at least given it a try. I accept that this didn't happen, and it's not going to. I have to move on and move this away from my main focus. I have to accept that there are great things in store for me in my life as long as I take the initiative to work with what I have. I need to focus on doing that. Maybe once I really let go I'll get that chance. Maybe. For now, I'm done. It's over.

I'm angry. I've never said my piece. I've been wronged in the worst way possible. It's justified. My anger that is. But I'll never be able to express it. I need to let it go. Get my revenge by living the best life I can. Move forward, not be stuck in this or defined by it. Detach, detach, detach.