Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys - I know there's a lot to this, and W and I talked about doing some mediation/coparenting therapy yesterday, so we'll explore this stuff there. I know I may be desensitized to my W because of my experiences with my mother - that's part of the reason I put that in there. I think this is one of the most difficult things for me to overcome in my relationships. I am tolerant of behavior that's highly innappropriate because of what I was raised watching. We all have our cycles to break.

As for my W, I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug here. I think this is a pretty serious indication of the depth of her depression and the polar opposite hight of her fantasy - that she's willing to even think about harm coming to her child so she can achieve it. She's in therapy, hopefully she's addressing her real issues there. I don't know.

We had one of those breakthrough talks again, where it was clear that W was working under assumptions about what I thought, and she in fact told me that she was trying to convince me that there was nothing between us. It's still very clear that she's confused, but she wants to separate and to divorce. I told her again that once she accomplished her goals we would figure out how to do it. Again she brought up that she thought it would be best if she stayed in the house with S4. She wants to get her business started so she can work from home and take care of S4. I had a really tough time of it because I felt really cornered. I don't want her to have custody, at least not the way she intends it, with his only room at "her" place. She wants to act as a family, and to be good friends. She wants me to be involved with her family. It's insane. She really has no idea what's going to happen. I told her that I thought that she was being really naive thinking that we could be in any way close after this and that our lives are going to drift apart. She said that we can do it if we put the importance of our son as our top priority. Interesting thought - maybe if you apply that thinking to our marriage, there's a chance, but the lust is far more important.

I'm not sure a 4 year old can get couseling - can they? I think he's doing great, but I really don't want him to have the idea that he has to work to keep our family together. We haven't told him (at least I haven't, I don't know what my W has said) that we're going to separate or anything. But he's seen W throw tantrums, scream and yell, fall to the floor crying because there's something standing in the way of what she wants. The more I post stuff like this the more I think he would be better away from her, but I also recognize that she loves him and occassionally does her best for him. I just don't think she's mature enough to be a parent. I really need to talk to a lawyer. It's really overwhelming, and the only good solution is the one that she's so against.