Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

You know, W still acts so cold to me, as if she doesn't even want me as a friend. This coming from a woman who a few months ago told me "I have a lot of love to give. I can love two people." I wish we could have simple conversations without her lashing out. I wish we could say hello or goodbye without tension or her trying to prove a point (doing the wave with her fingers as she waves goodbye - basically saying good riddance). But the fact is that this is how she is acting. It's tiresome not being affected by it because I want to be nothing but kind, loving and good to her yet our interactions are sabotaged by her at every opportunity. If I don't do things exactly the way she would or thinks I should, she'll give me trouble. I can't keep track, or read her mind, and because of this I apparently don't know her. We are not compatable.

I had originally planned on staying together as long as possible, living like a family even if she's not sleeping in our bed. Waiting this thing out seemed like a viable option, but it seems that that relationship is really feeding off of whatever bad she creates in the present in our M, and nothing I can do alleviates that stress. I am away so much working that are interaction is very limited, but yet when it occurs, it's generally not great. I am upbeat. I am kind and good to her. What more can I do without entirely removing myself?

It appears I'm a bit more frustrated with the situation than I think I really am. I'm at peace with a lot, but I'd prefer to get along even if we're walking away from each other. I can't help feeling like it's me that's not doing something I should be to change the way we interact. I have to come up with a good 180 in this department. I have been trying to give her firm resistance when she gets mean or disrespectful, and she has taken notice of it, but it sparks a new issue of injustice. It makes her say that I demand respect but she gets none.

I can't stop deflecting it to these issues I see in her. I think she has a real deep sense that she can use her feelings to control her world and people in it. I think that she creates resentment because she thinks she gains leverage over people by doing so. It's a way of controlling them. She creates resentment over insignificant things and the sources of her resentment that I have control over are few and far between, even though I try to fix it, she's got so much accumulated that there's not much improvement. It feels so hopeless.