Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

You know, I'm sure my W will see this as a vindictive measure. I'm sure she'll use it to fuel her hatred of me. She can choose to do so, but the fact is that while she chooses to hate me, she doesn't need fuel, my mere existance is enough. She needs to get to the point where she decides to stop hating me. I don't know what it will take, but I think the longer this A goes on, the less likely she will come to this point while I'm still open to reconciliation. Maybe it will take a bunch of bombs going off and the children being smacked around a bit for her to get there. Maybe not.

This will certainly be another significant event in their R. The last time bombs got dropped things got rocky between them. It can serve to bind or destroy, so it could backfire. No attempt to better our relationship has worked, nor do I think it will as long as she's putting all her energy into this. In some way, this letter serves to express my feelings to my cousin in an effort to gain closure with him. I have stopped all correspondence with him after he told me that W and I should work on our R for our S's sake but when I told him this wasn't possible while he was involved didn't respond.

I do think he's a good guy underneath it all. I think he was going through a really tough time in his life when this started and it made it seem like the better option to enter into this relationship rather than continue on the way he was.

The really difficult part of all of this is that I think my W needs to grow a great deal before I would like to be married to her again, before I think we would be capable of having a great relationship. I know I need to grow a great deal too, but the relationship she wants to have with me, or rather, the relationship I once settled for with her is not something I'm eager to get back into. So my options now are to quietly walk away and allow her the sense that she has all this power that she grabbed or to clearly call people out on the wrong they are doing. At this point, she's very clear in her desire to be done. I don't see an about face occuring without something drastic. It might make my cousin turn and run. It might not.

I'm going to hold off for some time still. I am going to start the ball rolling on the separation talk with my W. Before I get to the point where I talk to my parents about this all - the point of no return for my W - I think I'll send the letter. Once we are into separation, my W's resentment is her burden to bear. She'll have to come to terms with it on her own, recognize that holding it doesn't change anything and then perhaps, she'll be in a better place for reconciliation.