Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

Ok, strategy time. If W and I are going to get separated, I am going to have to tell my parents why. They are going to talk to my aunt and uncle about my good cousin's involvement. So, because this is somewhat inevitable, I am thinking I might as well make a last ditch effort to put some pressure on my cousin and the A by sending a letter to him and copying his parents (who I told about this in February and they had this to say: " It's clear to [my husband] because of his professional experience that you both, MT and W, have an urgent need of relational therapy as soon as possible. S4 has a right that you as his parents both try whatever you can to save your relationship. It's our conviction that W and OM both should stop their private contact.")

After this they hounded him and it made things very difficult. I have no doubt that he lied to them to get them off his back. I've drafted a letter that I'm not sure I should send. I think things are so rediculously screwed up right now that I don't see much potential for additional damage. Here it is, let me know what you all think:

It greatly saddens me that you continue to be so committed to being a destructive element in my life, the life of my son and my wife. I understand that you are not doing this to be malicious, but rather because you are convinced something good is coming out of this, and it feels good. You have now, after more than 8 months, crossed the line even further in your relationship with my wife, meeting with her in Boston. You have demonstrated that you don’t respect my marriage (or maybe marriage as an institution at all), you don’t respect the right of my son to have his parents do what is best for him, and you don’t respect W’s mental health. Your flagrant disrespect of all of us demonstrates you lack respect for yourself, and this truly saddens me most of all.

OM, you have always been someone I respected. You have always been someone I valued, and our relationship meant a lot to me. Now I question whether this was misplaced on my part. I understand attraction, and for you being attracted to my wife, I can’t blame you. For you communicating your attraction to my wife, I can’t blame you. But for you carrying on this relationship with my wife, while we are still married, and clearly being a part of her confusion with her life and relationship with me I find to be one of the most despicable choices a person can make. You are aware of the precarious position of my relationship with her, because you have written to me in the past of this. You are aware that your relationship is contributing negatively to this. Yet you continue. You put your immediate need for feeling good at a higher priority than the well being of S4 – a child you claim to really care about. I am sorry that this is a person you want to be, and that you are actively cultivating this part of yourself.

OM, W and I are parents. We are married. We made a commitment to each other, our families and to our son. This is not something that I can walk away from without the knowledge that she and I have tried everything in our power to be happy together as husband and wife. Until then, my commitment and resolve to live up to the responsibility and commitment I have agreed to will remain very strong. As long as you are involved with my wife, she and I will not have resolved our relationship in an honest way based only on the reality of what our relationship is. You and I are clearly at odds as I am trying to save my family, or at the very least deal with it in a responsible manner, for the good of everyone, while you are commited to be as much of a destructive force in this as we will allow you to be. Is this truly what you want?

I don’t blame you for the problems in my relationship. W and I may have broken up had you not inserted yourself into our relationship. The fact is that we don’t know, we don’t have this closure, and we can’t have this closure while you continue to be involved. The affair you are having with W has brought to light problems that we didn’t recognize as such before, and because of your involvement, and your impact on our motivation we are unable to determine whether these issues are solvable.

I don’t expect an answer from you regarding your choices. Your reasons for doing what you are doing are your own issue, and you don’t owe me any explanation. I wanted to communicate my thoughts to you, as I hope they still mean something to you. As always, I wish you the best, and I hope you decide to make better choices. Not for me, but rather for yourself, because I care about you and truly want the best for you.