Yeah, we're going to have to have that talk. I think it will be good for me to initiate it too.
As for the mindreader thing, I often think that W wants/wanted me to be an extension of herself that would do for her things that she didn't want to do. She would resent the hell out of me when I would do it differently than she would. She would actually get angry at me for the way I carried out a conversation telling me: you should have said this or that. My response was always something to the effect: you're so much better with people, perhaps you should be the one carrying on these conversations. She doesn't want a partner, a unique individual to share experiences in life with, she wants someone to compensate for her inadequacies as a person.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Right on! The "extension of herself" comment hits home. My C said that about my W. She doesn't want a separate individual to be in a R with, she wants herself. This is why she selected the OP she did because this person was so much like her! She fell for herself. No hard work, no differences to work out and no real R. It's a trip that must be taken solo, I can't change it. We can't get inside our W's heads and replace the rusty part. Your W may also be fantasizing about all the similarities between her and the OM, and they are so simpatico, "he knows what I need, you don't"! Expecting another person to make you "happy", know all your needs, and protect you from yourself is, excuse me, looney tunes. My W is in love with an image of herself in the mirror, someone with no substance but who is always there for her, making no demands, having no needs. It's all so perfect but fantasy usually is. Anyway that's the life we're leading Muddle. It's all we got...for now! Rant over.
Sometimes I just get a bit disgusted because she acts like I'm just not good enough for her. The whole glass houses/don't bite the hand that feeds thing comes to mind. Case in point, I got her cereal last night. Not her favorite, but the other favorite because she had some of the favorite left. I though it would be nice to have a choice. Bad move.
"You don't know me."
She is trying so hard to find ANYTHING wrong with me she can. I have come to really realize something that although not all that profound, is somewhat meaningful to me. She doesn't want to be happy, she wants to get what she wants. Somehow she thinks this is how you get happy, but it hasn't worked for her yet. So what does she think to allow her to continue this vicious cycle? That she hasn't found the right THING yet. So clearly, I must be the wrong thing if she's not happy, and the more unhappy she is the more she can justify leaving. If this was REALLY about her happiness, she would find a way to be happy and still move on. Instead, she's actively working on being miserable. It's truly sad.
It eats away at me, but I'm an expert at deflecting things. This tends to be not so good because I have desensitized myself to her tongue. I think BI said something about doing this to her husband in her post or blog. Subtly disrespecting him to the point where he turned off. I think she's done this, although not so subtly, and I have had no choice but to find an acceptable reason for her doing what she did (exploding or getting angry with me) and letting it go. I haven't gone much deeper than that. Maybe I should have. I think she resents me now for not fixing her, for not fixing her life. My brother, when we first told him, was really angry with her because she doesn't appreciate the great things and life she has. Instead, she looks at what she thinks is missing. I did good things for us but it never did what she expected it to. Guess what, that sort of thing never will. But I'm to blame because it doesn't. I think some people need to learn their own way, and I don't know how she'll learn this truth. I hope it will be in a short period of time while we can still recover our marriage and family, but I don't know. This is what I have to give up. I can only keep myself open and available. I can't make her realize anything. This is her journey and unfortunately, there are a lot of innocent people along for the ride.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Once again, I know what you mean Muddle. My W loves those "subtle" nuances etc. One of her favorites is, when I tell her something I think worth mentioning about my life, to just walk away or pick up a newspaper with no comment. Sometimes she likes to not greet me, as though I don't exist. They are actually emotionally abusive, in my mind anyway. Just as you said, it's subtly saying "you aren't good enough for me" and "I,m not wasting my time on your little world". Assumption, most definately. I ingore it. As you have, I believe I have done a great deal for our family and to support her but it means nothing now (and didn't then apparently). We can't change their headspaces. I just try not to dwell on it and move along with my DB plans. I would love to hear others thoughts on how you and I can deal with this stuff, or is that all there is? I'm bleeding with you, guy!!
Ok, strategy time. If W and I are going to get separated, I am going to have to tell my parents why. They are going to talk to my aunt and uncle about my good cousin's involvement. So, because this is somewhat inevitable, I am thinking I might as well make a last ditch effort to put some pressure on my cousin and the A by sending a letter to him and copying his parents (who I told about this in February and they had this to say: " It's clear to [my husband] because of his professional experience that you both, MT and W, have an urgent need of relational therapy as soon as possible. S4 has a right that you as his parents both try whatever you can to save your relationship. It's our conviction that W and OM both should stop their private contact.")
After this they hounded him and it made things very difficult. I have no doubt that he lied to them to get them off his back. I've drafted a letter that I'm not sure I should send. I think things are so rediculously screwed up right now that I don't see much potential for additional damage. Here it is, let me know what you all think:
It greatly saddens me that you continue to be so committed to being a destructive element in my life, the life of my son and my wife. I understand that you are not doing this to be malicious, but rather because you are convinced something good is coming out of this, and it feels good. You have now, after more than 8 months, crossed the line even further in your relationship with my wife, meeting with her in Boston. You have demonstrated that you don’t respect my marriage (or maybe marriage as an institution at all), you don’t respect the right of my son to have his parents do what is best for him, and you don’t respect W’s mental health. Your flagrant disrespect of all of us demonstrates you lack respect for yourself, and this truly saddens me most of all.
OM, you have always been someone I respected. You have always been someone I valued, and our relationship meant a lot to me. Now I question whether this was misplaced on my part. I understand attraction, and for you being attracted to my wife, I can’t blame you. For you communicating your attraction to my wife, I can’t blame you. But for you carrying on this relationship with my wife, while we are still married, and clearly being a part of her confusion with her life and relationship with me I find to be one of the most despicable choices a person can make. You are aware of the precarious position of my relationship with her, because you have written to me in the past of this. You are aware that your relationship is contributing negatively to this. Yet you continue. You put your immediate need for feeling good at a higher priority than the well being of S4 – a child you claim to really care about. I am sorry that this is a person you want to be, and that you are actively cultivating this part of yourself.
OM, W and I are parents. We are married. We made a commitment to each other, our families and to our son. This is not something that I can walk away from without the knowledge that she and I have tried everything in our power to be happy together as husband and wife. Until then, my commitment and resolve to live up to the responsibility and commitment I have agreed to will remain very strong. As long as you are involved with my wife, she and I will not have resolved our relationship in an honest way based only on the reality of what our relationship is. You and I are clearly at odds as I am trying to save my family, or at the very least deal with it in a responsible manner, for the good of everyone, while you are commited to be as much of a destructive force in this as we will allow you to be. Is this truly what you want?
I don’t blame you for the problems in my relationship. W and I may have broken up had you not inserted yourself into our relationship. The fact is that we don’t know, we don’t have this closure, and we can’t have this closure while you continue to be involved. The affair you are having with W has brought to light problems that we didn’t recognize as such before, and because of your involvement, and your impact on our motivation we are unable to determine whether these issues are solvable.
I don’t expect an answer from you regarding your choices. Your reasons for doing what you are doing are your own issue, and you don’t owe me any explanation. I wanted to communicate my thoughts to you, as I hope they still mean something to you. As always, I wish you the best, and I hope you decide to make better choices. Not for me, but rather for yourself, because I care about you and truly want the best for you.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
well written...really your decision whether to send it...you do know it will cause fireworks...so just go in with your eyes wide open. I do not see anything obviously wrong or debateable in the letter...the only thing I could think to say is you may want to cast a little blame on your wife since she is an equal party in this A but other than that let it rip...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Wow! I agree with SRT about the fireworks. I would only do this if you see it as your last resort. Is there anything else you can do DB wise right now? Also, will the A ending by force bring anything to the sitch right now? Will she view your actions as "manly" or resent the hell out of you for it? As SRT says, it's your call. I've often wondered about writing something to my W's OW mainly because I don't believe she is malicious but in many ways is a victim too. BUT would that make my W want to work out a R with me? Don't think so. So I would ask, do you honestly believe that in his heart your cousin is a good person? Would he actually ponder what you've written? If so, then it stands a chance if not then don't bother. But as always these are just my thoughts.
You know, I'm sure my W will see this as a vindictive measure. I'm sure she'll use it to fuel her hatred of me. She can choose to do so, but the fact is that while she chooses to hate me, she doesn't need fuel, my mere existance is enough. She needs to get to the point where she decides to stop hating me. I don't know what it will take, but I think the longer this A goes on, the less likely she will come to this point while I'm still open to reconciliation. Maybe it will take a bunch of bombs going off and the children being smacked around a bit for her to get there. Maybe not.
This will certainly be another significant event in their R. The last time bombs got dropped things got rocky between them. It can serve to bind or destroy, so it could backfire. No attempt to better our relationship has worked, nor do I think it will as long as she's putting all her energy into this. In some way, this letter serves to express my feelings to my cousin in an effort to gain closure with him. I have stopped all correspondence with him after he told me that W and I should work on our R for our S's sake but when I told him this wasn't possible while he was involved didn't respond.
I do think he's a good guy underneath it all. I think he was going through a really tough time in his life when this started and it made it seem like the better option to enter into this relationship rather than continue on the way he was.
The really difficult part of all of this is that I think my W needs to grow a great deal before I would like to be married to her again, before I think we would be capable of having a great relationship. I know I need to grow a great deal too, but the relationship she wants to have with me, or rather, the relationship I once settled for with her is not something I'm eager to get back into. So my options now are to quietly walk away and allow her the sense that she has all this power that she grabbed or to clearly call people out on the wrong they are doing. At this point, she's very clear in her desire to be done. I don't see an about face occuring without something drastic. It might make my cousin turn and run. It might not.
I'm going to hold off for some time still. I am going to start the ball rolling on the separation talk with my W. Before I get to the point where I talk to my parents about this all - the point of no return for my W - I think I'll send the letter. Once we are into separation, my W's resentment is her burden to bear. She'll have to come to terms with it on her own, recognize that holding it doesn't change anything and then perhaps, she'll be in a better place for reconciliation.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, make sure you see a lawyer before you do anything in re: to separation. The last thing you need is anymore unpleasant surprises! Also, be sure you are OK with this woman caring for your son. When you aren't there, regardless of the amount of time he is with you, he will be with her untended. Just cover the bases for yourself and your son. Do what you must. There are lots of people on this board who are with you. We each have our limits and it appears you have reached yours. No shame in that. Keep us posted.
Not yet at my limit - but I certainly won't do anything without legal advice. There's still a long road to travel before that's even possible. I sometimes think it would be beneficial for our S if I did fight for custody because W has been a bad influence in the past ("Don't repeat what mommy says, mommy sometimes says things that are bad. Mommy uses bad words") and because her impulse control is poor she doesn't like the idea of moduling good behavior.
I'm still hanging in there, the path ahead is just starting to become a bit more clear.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
