Sometimes I just get a bit disgusted because she acts like I'm just not good enough for her. The whole glass houses/don't bite the hand that feeds thing comes to mind. Case in point, I got her cereal last night. Not her favorite, but the other favorite because she had some of the favorite left. I though it would be nice to have a choice. Bad move.
"You don't know me."
She is trying so hard to find ANYTHING wrong with me she can. I have come to really realize something that although not all that profound, is somewhat meaningful to me. She doesn't want to be happy, she wants to get what she wants. Somehow she thinks this is how you get happy, but it hasn't worked for her yet. So what does she think to allow her to continue this vicious cycle? That she hasn't found the right THING yet. So clearly, I must be the wrong thing if she's not happy, and the more unhappy she is the more she can justify leaving. If this was REALLY about her happiness, she would find a way to be happy and still move on. Instead, she's actively working on being miserable. It's truly sad.
It eats away at me, but I'm an expert at deflecting things. This tends to be not so good because I have desensitized myself to her tongue. I think BI said something about doing this to her husband in her post or blog. Subtly disrespecting him to the point where he turned off. I think she's done this, although not so subtly, and I have had no choice but to find an acceptable reason for her doing what she did (exploding or getting angry with me) and letting it go. I haven't gone much deeper than that. Maybe I should have. I think she resents me now for not fixing her, for not fixing her life. My brother, when we first told him, was really angry with her because she doesn't appreciate the great things and life she has. Instead, she looks at what she thinks is missing. I did good things for us but it never did what she expected it to. Guess what, that sort of thing never will. But I'm to blame because it doesn't. I think some people need to learn their own way, and I don't know how she'll learn this truth. I hope it will be in a short period of time while we can still recover our marriage and family, but I don't know. This is what I have to give up. I can only keep myself open and available. I can't make her realize anything. This is her journey and unfortunately, there are a lot of innocent people along for the ride.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
