It's crazy. W has had an awakening, but she hasn't changed anything. She was looking to me to be the fix to her issues (actually, she has told me in no uncertain terms that she was looking to start a family to give her the security and stability she lost when hers dissolved due to her parents' divorce) and deliver her from her misery, and now she's doing the same thing. She thinks that because I'm not acting to release her from her bondage, she can't get out. We agreed that it was best she accomplish her goals before we dealt with separation, and now she's getting angry with me that I'm in denial. I don't get it. I rode my bike back to work at lunch, something I'm glad that I've started to do - can't beat the extra exercise and free transport. She wants me to shop this evening on my way back, and she doesn't like that I rode my bike because I can't really carry as much on the bike. She's also dependant on me to start cooking, or so she says. Well, last I heard, she wanted me to pick up 3 or 4 things at the store, so I don't see it being a problem on the bike - plus the store is literally a couple blocks away. I told her that I would decide when I saw the list how I would take care of it (if I could manage on the bike or if I would need to go home and pick up the car), but that I would take care of it. She got really annoyed and told me that she had to work around me again - to which I suggested she walk to the store and get what she needed for dinner so she didn't need to wait for me. What does she expect that I'm going to shop for her when we're divorced? It's absurd.
So, I'm the cause of all the problems, I'm incompetent, I can't make good decisions, I don't do anything right, yet when she needs something done I am the one to do it. It's so frustrating to always deflect this stuff, but really, what part can I play? I made a decision that really has little to do with her, yet her need to control everything sees any variation from what she deems right as wrong.
You know, what this is all doing to me is allowing me to justify seeing her as this little girl that really needs a taste of real life in order to grow up a little bit. I don't want to see her this way because I have always seen her as my equal. I don't want to blame our relationship issues on her, because then I can't learn from them. It's just so damn difficult to figure out where that line is.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
