Yup, it's all about consistency. She'll see and understand soon enough. W is still in the trap of thinking she can attribute all responsibility for a negative feeling onto me, cut me loose and she'll be free of that feeling. Sorry. She's so stressed about the situation, she takes it out on me, I become the reason for it because she associates it with me, so she needs to be rid of me to be rid of the stress. Ok.
The no grounds thing is that we don't have no fault in NY, so in order for her to file we need 1 yr separation. We haven't signed an agreement, in fact, we decided that she would get on her feet financially before we revisited the subject. So, as far as I'm concerned, we're moving along as planned. She's just emotional and taking it out on me. I think she's more and more aware that she isn't doing what she needs to to acheive her goals. Sad.
I told her she can leave, separation or none, divorce or none. She doesn't think so. She thinks she'll give up custody if she does, which she will. Same old trouble. That's her issue, and I'm not really going to concern myself with it at this point. Frankly, I think there's some pressure coming from OM that she can't take, or there's something about him and their plans that is outside of her expectations, and that's where her stress is coming from.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
How sad that this is the way she wants to lead her life. What is sadder is you have to be along for the ride. It may be anti-DB but hey if she wants you to leave, maybe you should. Give her what she wants and let her choke on it. I guess bottom line here is what is best for your son. That's always what it comes down to, isn't it. One day at a time, hero!
OMGosh, Muddle, I freaking HATE your W at this point and wish you'd walk out. She is TREATING YOU LIKE SH!T. AND SHE'S BEING MEAN. SHE IS MAKING ME FURIOUS. I really want to post a string of dirty words but I won't. I'm just being your inner rant tonight (early a.m.)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Last night W was folding laundry. I thanked her for doing it and she responded that it annoyed her that I thanked her because it was her job. She told me earlier that it annoyed her too. So she got annoyed that I did it again. What can I say, I was appreciative so I let her know. Well, that sparked a little outburst from her saying that I don't listen to anything she says. I didn't respond. She then told me I was ignoring her and that THAT was the reason she didn't want to be married to me, not because she is involved with someone else. I know I'm leaving some out, but that's the crux of it. I don't listen, I ignore her, etc. And then when I told her that I don't want to be spoken to the way she was, she told me that's the only way she gets through to me. I guess she really thinks these things and I'm unable to get through to her that I do listen and I do care. I don't know what she expects, and on some level, I wonder if I AM too dumb to truly be what I need to be as a partner.
This morning W was upset. She said she wanted to get a car and that it would really solve a lot of problems. I reminded her that her step mother told us that if she learned to drive our car, the stick shift, she would buy us a beater. She told me that she wasn't going to learn (even though we bought the car contingent on her agreement to learn to drive it) because I am a bad teacher, or maybe she's got a problem understanding me (she admitted a little later). Bottom line, she doesn't want to do what she agreed to. This sparked her talking about how I let her agree to things like buying the car without regard for her happiness. I let her decide to stay home and lose all her friends and do nothing and not be able to get around. She also stated that she thought that had she not had this "awakening" this would have continued, because I was not looking out for her happiness. I told her that I supported the choices she made in the past because I thought she was doing what she thought was right for herself. She went on and on about how I make her miserable and how her therapist thinks I'm in major denial because I think we can still make this marriage work. She said she refuses to be miserable just for her son. I told her I thought this was GREAT - that she was committed NOT to be miserable. I told her that just because she was miserable in the marriage doesn't mean that it will always be that way. She said otherwise. She said that we just aren't a good match and that I need to just cut my losses and move on.
So, bottom line, I think she's doing the classic depressed person's blame shifting, looking for all her misery and finding someone responsible for it, and her therapist is helping her do this. It makes me a bit angry, but at this stage of the game, I don't think it matters. She's angry that she has nowhere to start from, that she has no resources. I think I have several places where I can improve, but I'm never going to be able to be a perfect extension of her, which seems to be what she's looking for. She's so full of resentment. She had our son walking around this morning saying "stop talking like that mommy, we're a family. I love you guys." That really hurt. Surprisingly, I'm ok with everything. I think it's getting closer and closer to separation time. I think that's the only thing that will crack open this thick construct shell she's incased herself in. I think I need it too to regain a bit more of my center. I have been entirely too reactive and my life needs a good deal more focus and direction.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
YES, being reactive is so difficult to contain, I know! I must say her comments as you described them, "I let her agree to things like buying the car without regard for her happiness. I let her decide to stay home and lose all her friends and do nothing and not be able to get around." are so idiotic I can't imagine being able to reply to them! "You let me decide"...sorry, sweetie, YOU decided. Oh my God!!!! Maybe Muddle you should just leave her alone e.g. don't thank her , don't go out of your way to be nice it obviously seems to provoke her and to NOT be nice may actually be a 180. If your kindness ain't working, stop doing it (the cheeseless tunnel). When she lays into you with her idiocy just say "sorry you feel that way" and carry on. No explanation etc just let it go. Sorry about your son's comment, that is sooooo hard for a dad to hear. Yes, he's hurting and I hope mom listens, that's if she can get passed the "poor me" syndrome she is in!
Well, the interesting thing is that I think she would see that as my true nature coming out, because right now she's trying to say that I don't really care about her. So demonstrating that would do nothing but confirm it. Maybe I should.
It's the whole cycle of blame thing, and I don't want to be part of it. She won't take responsibility for herself, and when she does, she does so by blaming me for not making her do so sooner. The thing that absolutely pisses me off is her therapist supports this crap. Oh well. Wonder who she'll blame when I'm not in the picture any more.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I know what you're saying Muddle. My W, as you know, has built up a great deal of resentment towards me and, to be honest, I don't get a lot of it. Example, she said I wasn't "romantic" enough so I started to do romantic things (pre- A, of course) e.g.'s send flowers, leave little notes, write ILY on her lunch banana!!! (Ya, I did) and was told "stop doing these things, they just aren't you! You only do them because you know I'll like them" Same sitch, if I do them it is wrong, if I don't I'm not romantic! You can only do what feels right to you and F*** her. Basically, your W and mine DON'T want to see the good in us. They want to confirm that we are not meant to be with them. They will look for whatever supports that as insane as it can be sometimes. Lastly, who knows what the therapist "really" says, you only know what your W tells you and you know where her head is at these days. Don't waste emotion and energy on the Therapist. You can only deal with what is in your hands to deal with.
Quote: You can only do what feels right to you and F*** her. Basically, your W and mine DON'T want to see the good in us.
Don't waste emotion and energy on the Therapist. You can only deal with what is in your hands to deal with.
Yup - they are going to see what they want to. Nothing we can do about how they choose to perceive. But, don't let this sway you from acting in a way that could be perceived as caring. I think that's one mistake I made for a little while. I withdrew and stopped doing.
I'm not concerning myself with the therapist. W often uses her opinion of me as definitive proof that I'm wrong or there's something wrong with me. It's one sided information, and if she's spending so much time in HER therapy session talking about me, then her therapist isn't doing her job, which is helping my W resolve her issues including depression and social anxiety disorder. In fact, she's helping her rationalize and justify creating more reason to be depressed later in life.
Oh yeah, I was told this morning that I failed tests - W left things out for a long time and I didn't put them away. It doesn't matter that I've made huge strides in that regard. All that matters is what I haven't done.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, Could you approach her and say you'd like to work out some way to live together that will work for both of you in this situation. Tell her you know she is not interested in the M but you still have to relate to each on some level so, how would she like you to treat her (you can, of course, deal with more specifics)? You could reiterate your need to be spoken to politely (I know, I know!)) This way it is her telling you what she wants, rather than you guessing and getting S*** on. What would SHE like you to do when you appreciate something she has done. If she says nothing, then do nothing! Then when you do it and she craps on you, you can say "this is what you said you wanted, has that changed?" May be worth a try, I dunno! Lastly, I would never tell you or anyone else to stop being nice! I told my W that I would not let her or anyone else turn me into someone I did not want to be. That is so important. So, no don't be mean and call it a 180. I'm not there for that Anyway, just my thoughts for whatever they are worth to you. PS When I read your posts I get the feeling that W wants a mindreader, you know the "You should know what I need without me telling you" saga. I'm living that one too. It's not my happy place, let me tell ya!
It's crazy. W has had an awakening, but she hasn't changed anything. She was looking to me to be the fix to her issues (actually, she has told me in no uncertain terms that she was looking to start a family to give her the security and stability she lost when hers dissolved due to her parents' divorce) and deliver her from her misery, and now she's doing the same thing. She thinks that because I'm not acting to release her from her bondage, she can't get out. We agreed that it was best she accomplish her goals before we dealt with separation, and now she's getting angry with me that I'm in denial. I don't get it. I rode my bike back to work at lunch, something I'm glad that I've started to do - can't beat the extra exercise and free transport. She wants me to shop this evening on my way back, and she doesn't like that I rode my bike because I can't really carry as much on the bike. She's also dependant on me to start cooking, or so she says. Well, last I heard, she wanted me to pick up 3 or 4 things at the store, so I don't see it being a problem on the bike - plus the store is literally a couple blocks away. I told her that I would decide when I saw the list how I would take care of it (if I could manage on the bike or if I would need to go home and pick up the car), but that I would take care of it. She got really annoyed and told me that she had to work around me again - to which I suggested she walk to the store and get what she needed for dinner so she didn't need to wait for me. What does she expect that I'm going to shop for her when we're divorced? It's absurd.
So, I'm the cause of all the problems, I'm incompetent, I can't make good decisions, I don't do anything right, yet when she needs something done I am the one to do it. It's so frustrating to always deflect this stuff, but really, what part can I play? I made a decision that really has little to do with her, yet her need to control everything sees any variation from what she deems right as wrong.
You know, what this is all doing to me is allowing me to justify seeing her as this little girl that really needs a taste of real life in order to grow up a little bit. I don't want to see her this way because I have always seen her as my equal. I don't want to blame our relationship issues on her, because then I can't learn from them. It's just so damn difficult to figure out where that line is.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I really want to post a string of dirty words but I won't. 
Anyway, just my thoughts for whatever they are worth to you.