Last night W was folding laundry. I thanked her for doing it and she responded that it annoyed her that I thanked her because it was her job. She told me earlier that it annoyed her too. So she got annoyed that I did it again. What can I say, I was appreciative so I let her know. Well, that sparked a little outburst from her saying that I don't listen to anything she says. I didn't respond. She then told me I was ignoring her and that THAT was the reason she didn't want to be married to me, not because she is involved with someone else. I know I'm leaving some out, but that's the crux of it. I don't listen, I ignore her, etc. And then when I told her that I don't want to be spoken to the way she was, she told me that's the only way she gets through to me. I guess she really thinks these things and I'm unable to get through to her that I do listen and I do care. I don't know what she expects, and on some level, I wonder if I AM too dumb to truly be what I need to be as a partner.
This morning W was upset. She said she wanted to get a car and that it would really solve a lot of problems. I reminded her that her step mother told us that if she learned to drive our car, the stick shift, she would buy us a beater. She told me that she wasn't going to learn (even though we bought the car contingent on her agreement to learn to drive it) because I am a bad teacher, or maybe she's got a problem understanding me (she admitted a little later). Bottom line, she doesn't want to do what she agreed to. This sparked her talking about how I let her agree to things like buying the car without regard for her happiness. I let her decide to stay home and lose all her friends and do nothing and not be able to get around. She also stated that she thought that had she not had this "awakening" this would have continued, because I was not looking out for her happiness. I told her that I supported the choices she made in the past because I thought she was doing what she thought was right for herself. She went on and on about how I make her miserable and how her therapist thinks I'm in major denial because I think we can still make this marriage work. She said she refuses to be miserable just for her son. I told her I thought this was GREAT - that she was committed NOT to be miserable. I told her that just because she was miserable in the marriage doesn't mean that it will always be that way. She said otherwise. She said that we just aren't a good match and that I need to just cut my losses and move on.
So, bottom line, I think she's doing the classic depressed person's blame shifting, looking for all her misery and finding someone responsible for it, and her therapist is helping her do this. It makes me a bit angry, but at this stage of the game, I don't think it matters. She's angry that she has nowhere to start from, that she has no resources. I think I have several places where I can improve, but I'm never going to be able to be a perfect extension of her, which seems to be what she's looking for. She's so full of resentment. She had our son walking around this morning saying "stop talking like that mommy, we're a family. I love you guys." That really hurt. Surprisingly, I'm ok with everything. I think it's getting closer and closer to separation time. I think that's the only thing that will crack open this thick construct shell she's incased herself in. I think I need it too to regain a bit more of my center. I have been entirely too reactive and my life needs a good deal more focus and direction.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
