Well, not much time to post this morning. I had a half decent weekend. W had a migraine on Friday night while I was working in the city. She called and told me that I had to come home. I got nothing but anger for my efforts: "Oh that's just so typical with you, you would hit traffic." Unreal that this stuff still keeps coming out of her mouth. I just continue to try and be kind to her.
This morning our son went back to school. W came with me to drop him off. She was angry the whole time - I always did something wrong. I did, however, stop W while she was berating me for something that wasn't my fault - in fact I think she was upset with herself for it - and told her not to talk to me like that. She then told ME not to talk to her like she was my child, and that she could talk to me any damn way she pleased. Nice. Well, we dropped off S4, which was pleasant enough. We got back in the car and W commented about one of the teachers being X's mother. I don't remember her talking about X and so when I asked her about it she got really upset saying that I never listen to her, or I don't remember, and she absolutely refused to tell me what I'd forgotten. Sorry I'm not perfect hon. This sparked her asking me, in rage of course, how much longer I was going to make her suffer through this. Because I am apparently in denial about our situation. I told her I know perfectly well where we stand, but apparently my actions and the way I talk to her show her that I don't think things are over. As usual, I told her that I'm not keeping her here and that she can leave when she wants to, to which she replied that she has no grounds for divorce. She went on to say that she didn't want to have to suffer through my P/A behavior anymore. I asked her what exactly she meant by that, because I NEVER heard a thing about being P/A before. I'm generally aware of times when it comes out, but it has never even been close to a point of contention. She told me that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that it would be helpful to me to know what she's talking about. She refused, and gave me a nasty, cynical comment about how I don't act on any of the other problems I have.
Last night we were at my parents' house and my father, W, S4 and I walked back to the car together. My father and S4 walked ahead. At one point W looks at me and mouths: "I don't like you" with a really nasty look on her face. According to DB and other sources, this is a great sign because it shows that she still feels very passionate about me if she's choosing to hate me.
I think I'm at the point where I have to start seeing a lawyer and moving things in the separation direction. I think she has been spared consequences here, and even though we agreed she was going to get on her feet before we discussed separation again, I think she ought to start to get a taste of it. It's not pretty here, especially since I have been working hard to be really nice to her, being really thoughtful about her feelings. I guess this is P/A, huh? Being nice in the face of her nastiness? I don't do it to inspire guilt or because it entitles me to anything. In fact I know when I do it that I'm not going to get anything in response. Well, I guess she has to get what she wants, to feel the break.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
