Ah, what a nice lunch! Sarcasm anyone? Well, I got home and W told me that she was trying to call me on the cell phone (it never rang) so she could find out what my plans were so she could make her plans around mine, like she always has to. Really nasty, and angry. So she's asking me what I've got planned for later, even though I emailed her that I had planned to work tonight. "Or are you not going to tell me" she says. Last night I went out with an old friend I haven't talked to in years. I wrote about this previously. This person I went to see, according to my wife, doesn't like my wife, and I shouldn't want to see someone that has anything against her. Well, I didn't really tell her who I was going to see, but she didn't ask either. I guess she's angry about this to some degree. Anyway, she goes on and on about how she always has to plan around me, even though I asked her if she had any opportunity to go out or do something, because I would gladly reschedule working in order for her to go out, especially since I was out every night this week (for work T and W and out with my friend last night - which I pointed out and told her she needed a break). She ALWAYS IMs with OM on Friday nights. I guess he found something better to do than rescue poor W from her horrible life. So, I didn't really see this coming AT ALL. So she told me that she didn't have plans, and that she couldn't make them now if she tried. That and we needed the money, so I should work.
I can't help but to wonder whether she was expecting to talk to OM tonight and he bailed, so she's SOL and pissed at the world about it. God forbid she spend some quality time by herself! I say this, but I am sensitive to her need to get out.
So I ask her "how are you?" and I get "I'm fine, fine with everything else. It's just you that annoys me."
Ok, so, this still say to me that she cares about our relationship. If she didn't she would accept things and move on. She's not doing that. So I can't just ignore this and say to myself that she's not happy, I have to step in and change SOMETHING to address this. Right?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Hey Muddle, What would happen if you just told your W that you refuse to accept rude behaviour anymore and then tell her how you will respond e.g. walk away next time it happens. If she has an issue maybe she can address it in an adult manner and you would be glad to respond. The way she speaks to you just irks me and I know it does more than that to you. Maybe this is what you take your stand on, communication. You can't make her love you but you can expect some respectful communication. Instead of reacting you would be seen as proactive and a man taking a stand (isn't that what she says she wants?) It might be a real 180 or have I gone stark raving mad here?
That's exactly what I am determined to do. I am not sure whether it will help anything, but it will certainly be a step in the right direction regarding my personal boundaries and will help protect my self respect in a proactive way rather than defensively, the way I currently deflect it onto her, who could care less.
When I left work I went and got a pizza. I was thinking about my W and how much she does and how my schedule has prevented her from doing anything. I went out and picked up a card for her, a simple thank you. I wrote her a note acknowledging all she has done in the past week or so, and how much it's appreciated. I gave her a "get out of jail free" card. This entitles her to me changing my plans to watch S4 a few times. I think it's the least I can do, and she never feels like she can ask me to, so this gives her license.
I got home and she was IMing with OM. She was somewhat tearful, and I could tell something was going on, even though she tried to tell me earlier that I was the only problem in her life. Not sure what that's about, but I've learned that it doesn't matter. At this point, even if their relationship disintegrated it means little to nothing about ours. I think. It's really hard to find the line between moving forward and pennance for my wrongdoing in the relationship (which I feel like she wants from me, or feels entitled to). Oh well. At least it's the weekend!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
It is a lovely gesture, Muddle. I remember when my W dropped the bomb on me she said how amazed she was at my mature response (no yelling or screaming etc).I told her that "I refuse to allow you or anyone else to turn me into someone I do not want to be". I continued to do the things I felt were respectful and caring, she could do what she wanted. That is how I chose to live. If you give with no expectation of return, that is the mark of true character. You are continuing to respect your W, despite her antics, and that shows your true character. That said, keep in mind Muddle,that setting boundaries is a loving thing to do for you, her and the M. She can't set them for herself right now, and maybe never could, but by doing so you are doing her a huge favor whether she gets it or not. I hope your card and kindness is met with something wonderful like maybe a kiss on the cheek, that would even suffice. Any kindness returned on her part is a gift, accept it as such and as nothing more for now. If there is no response just remember that tomorrow is a new day (beginners mind) but for now, what is is! P.S. Hey, maybe this should be our new DB mantra, "love is setting boundaries" Have a great weekend, guy.
Quote: Looking for change, or looking to see what my W is doing does nothing for us if she doesn't want it to.
Yes, that's a constant struggle for me too. What is he doing; how is he reacting to me; where is he in the universe? Even when I've attempted to detach, I'm like a napping cat whose ears are still on high alert. I look disinterested, but I am following your every peep with my radar ears.
So, I am with you in this battle Muddle. That said, man, your wife is really p*ssing me off. Almost more than GH's if that is possible (ha) b/c she is so much like I was. What a stark-raving miserable b*tch! And I can say that b/c I was her. A great person is somewhere in there, but she's lost herself somewhere and is just a mean human being to you and I want to slap her. My rant is over.
I think your card and gesture is wonderful, and I would hug and kiss you all day if you were my H for it. I thank you on behalf of now-sane W's everywhere
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Yes, that's a constant struggle for me too. What is he doing; how is he reacting to me; where is he in the universe? Even when I've attempted to detach, I'm like a napping cat whose ears are still on high alert. I look disinterested, but I am following your every peep with my radar ears.
So true, we want so badly for the pain to end. I too have been struggling with that. I think we mistake detachment with not caring and therefore think if we stop caring then we will stop loving and if we stop loving we have to ask "what the F*** am I doing here". So we hang on to their every move and mood. Maybe its best to just start by letting go for an hour every day, then two hours and so on. Break off little pieces at a time. I know I almost blew it big time with my latest little brain cramp and why, because she didn't look directly at me when she answered my question. Yup, somebody's cheese is slipping off his cracker . It's hard to stop analyzing and trying to stay one step ahead of them (although we never succeed, do we) Somehow there's this belief that if we read them we can somehow contol the sitch. Won't happen. It's almost like worrying in a sense. We worry cuz we somehow think it will help! I read a quote a while back "Nobody can tell me that worrying does no good because nothing I worry about ever happens!" Well, enough for one night!
Well, not much time to post this morning. I had a half decent weekend. W had a migraine on Friday night while I was working in the city. She called and told me that I had to come home. I got nothing but anger for my efforts: "Oh that's just so typical with you, you would hit traffic." Unreal that this stuff still keeps coming out of her mouth. I just continue to try and be kind to her.
This morning our son went back to school. W came with me to drop him off. She was angry the whole time - I always did something wrong. I did, however, stop W while she was berating me for something that wasn't my fault - in fact I think she was upset with herself for it - and told her not to talk to me like that. She then told ME not to talk to her like she was my child, and that she could talk to me any damn way she pleased. Nice. Well, we dropped off S4, which was pleasant enough. We got back in the car and W commented about one of the teachers being X's mother. I don't remember her talking about X and so when I asked her about it she got really upset saying that I never listen to her, or I don't remember, and she absolutely refused to tell me what I'd forgotten. Sorry I'm not perfect hon. This sparked her asking me, in rage of course, how much longer I was going to make her suffer through this. Because I am apparently in denial about our situation. I told her I know perfectly well where we stand, but apparently my actions and the way I talk to her show her that I don't think things are over. As usual, I told her that I'm not keeping her here and that she can leave when she wants to, to which she replied that she has no grounds for divorce. She went on to say that she didn't want to have to suffer through my P/A behavior anymore. I asked her what exactly she meant by that, because I NEVER heard a thing about being P/A before. I'm generally aware of times when it comes out, but it has never even been close to a point of contention. She told me that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that it would be helpful to me to know what she's talking about. She refused, and gave me a nasty, cynical comment about how I don't act on any of the other problems I have.
Last night we were at my parents' house and my father, W, S4 and I walked back to the car together. My father and S4 walked ahead. At one point W looks at me and mouths: "I don't like you" with a really nasty look on her face. According to DB and other sources, this is a great sign because it shows that she still feels very passionate about me if she's choosing to hate me.
I think I'm at the point where I have to start seeing a lawyer and moving things in the separation direction. I think she has been spared consequences here, and even though we agreed she was going to get on her feet before we discussed separation again, I think she ought to start to get a taste of it. It's not pretty here, especially since I have been working hard to be really nice to her, being really thoughtful about her feelings. I guess this is P/A, huh? Being nice in the face of her nastiness? I don't do it to inspire guilt or because it entitles me to anything. In fact I know when I do it that I'm not going to get anything in response. Well, I guess she has to get what she wants, to feel the break.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Seems like she has a ton of resentment towards you and you DB-ing and acting calm makes it even worse for her. She is baiting you to blow up...will make her feel better about herself.
I think you may be on the right track by getting some seperation/withdrawal/distance...she needs time away to think about what she wants...with you together it seems to feed her anger and she is not thinking about things.
Keep up your emotional control and feeling good about yourself...kill her with kindness eventually she will have to accept it and come around (you would hope)...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
One thing to remember about setting boundaries is that she isn't going to jump up and down in joy and thank you for setting them. She will resist initially, "I'll talk to you any damn way I want". Again, just let her know that yes, she can but if she does it rudely this is what you will do e.g. walk away. Maybe give that a little longer and be firm about it, can't hurt. She is so angry, isn't she! My W at least thinks that I am what I am and that's that. Despite the unfairness (and who says life is fair) it's sometimes easier to take then someone whose downright mean and in your face all the time. What's the thing about not having frounds for divorce? She can leave anytime with or without a divorce! Do what you gotta do, Muddle.
. It's hard to stop analyzing and trying to stay one step ahead of them (although we never succeed, do we) Somehow there's this belief that if we read them we can somehow contol the sitch. Won't happen. It's almost like worrying in a sense. We worry cuz we somehow think it will help! I read a quote a while back "Nobody can tell me that worrying does no good because nothing I worry about ever happens!" Well, enough for one night!