Muddle, it's surprising (or not so much) to hear how similar our sitches/W's are. I often struggle with all the same things you are struggling with now but in the end, I married my W with most of these same traits and somehow I was able to fall in love, be with her for 2+ years and want to marry her despite her somewhat selfish attitudes.
I know in your W and mine, these traits have almost completely taken over but I guess for my part, I am content to build on me while she builds on her parallel to me. There is a lot written about whether things are the cause of each other or merely related in some other way. What I am learning to do is to NOT be the cause or effect of my W's actions, just to exist along side her while this thing goes on, hoping that at some point my growth, time, her growth, etc, will make it possible for us to be more interactive rather than just coexistent.
In terms of you feeling that you have settled for FAR less than you should, well, that's something you really have to evaluate and see if you are just upset at the current sitch, or if you really feel this way long-term.
Like we always say, the LBS and WAS are not really that different in the end, it's just that one figures out that things are not working for them long before the other does, but they both eventually realize that things either need to change or end in order to promote their own happiness.
The nice thing about you, me, and most of the rest of us is that through our process of self-discovery and growth, we are able to maintain a healthy concern for our family and other people, realizing that our striving for personal happiness does not necessitate harming the people we love. That's something that I believe DOES represent the major difference between the LBS and WAS in the end. Keep that in mind.
